But What If It Worked Out Differently?

According to Wikipedia, which knows all, the city of Rome was founded by twin brothers Romulus and Remus. They got into a quarrel over who would rule the city, however, and it ended with Romulus slaying his brother.

Romulus, of course, went on to become the first king of Rome, lending his name to the very city.

But what if Remus had won that fabled fight?

Would the Italian government and the Pope work out of the historic Eternal City of Ream?

It really makes you think.

Why Unions Start

Current temperature: 0 degrees F
Feels like: -22 degrees F
Winds: gust to 26 mph


And this poor schmuck is outside with a sandwich board to keep warm. I'd like to think they're paid on a sliding scale based on weather quality, but I know I'm kidding myself.

Money Changes Everything

When exactly did the American paradigm move from the bank account and coupons to rolling the dice? In the introduction to their book “Money Changes Everything”, the editors note that:

“Economists report that middle-class families are now carrying record levels of credit card debt, going without health insurance and filing for bankruptcy at several times the rate of the early 1980s.”

“Turns out those McMansions and shiny S.U.V.’s have us mortgaged up to our eyeballs, but until the wolf is truly at the door, you won’t find many of us admitting it.”

Ms. Schappell said she now believed, however, that the old-fashioned ideal of working hard, saving and gradually making it is a bankrupt one. Instead, the way people envision growing rich, she said, is through a windfall: “a malpractice lawsuit, the lottery or going on a reality show — it’s the new American dream.”

Somehow, It's More Appropriate Now

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Great words to live by. Check out an NYT Sunday Magazine essay by Michael Pollan.

"Humans deciding what to eat without expert help — something they have been doing with notable success since coming down out of the trees — is seriously unprofitable if you’re a food company, distinctly risky if you’re a nutritionist and just plain boring if you’re a newspaper editor or journalist."

I'm reminded of my great-grandfather, who ate eggs fried in bacon grease, pie for lunch and cigars after dinner for more than 80 years. Or was that George Burns?

Never mind; read the essay anyway.

Jane's Back

Jane Fonda participated in a mass rally against the Iraq war yesterday.

Do you think she'll be visiting an Mehdi Army torture house next?

Have You Heard the News?

The News: Rival students clash in Lebanon university; one dead.

The Leftist: Oh god, now Bush is going to send troops!

The Neocon: Oh God, now Bush has got to send troops!

The Postmodernist: But how do we know what we mean by 'dead'?

The Islamist: The House of Dar al Islam must stop killing its own.

The Stoner: Awesome - the Clash is playing at Leb U!

Pat Robertson: This was foretold in the Book of Revelation. The Rapture is coming soon!

The French: We oppose the US doing anything. Or nothing.

The Sports Fan: But how does if affect the Bears' playoff chances?

Joe Sixpack: Where is Lebanon, anyway?

BMG Surrenders to Shawn Fanning

Major record labels such as BMG and Universal Music privately surrendered to Shawn Fanning, creator of the original music sharing website, Napster.

"You win, Fanning - you win. We'll give you whatever you want - sale via .wavs, .mp3s, whatever.", said BMG chairman Nicholas Firth. "Just call off the Torrents, would you?"

According to one insider, "We realized, after a decade of declining sales, that people weren't going to buy a product they couldn't use. That's when the Ghost of Music Past appeared and showed us the error of our ways."

"If we can't sell the music, at least we can sell the advertising next to it. I'm told that Google has done fairly well with that business model."

Metallica Heads Back to the Studio

In an interview today, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said that the band was heading back to the studio to start working on a new album. "We've taken everything: all the best ideas, lyrics and riffs that we've come up with in the last three years and gone into the studio."

Mr. Ulrich went on to say that the band already had enough material for two good songs. "Not, you know, like "Unforgiven good" but at least "No Leaf Clover good".

Mr. Ulrich concluded the interview by saying "Yeah, we're still bad. So f*ing bad."

With Relief, the Nation Forgets About Martin Luther King For Another Year

According to experts, the thoughtfulness and reflection surrounding Martin Luther King day faded faster than ever this year, with 51% of Americans having forgotten the date of 'MLK Day' by January 17th.

According to Cleveland resident LaWanda Johnson, "You know, I really agree with Dr. King's position on nonviolence, equality and political self-expression. But nowadays his message doesn't speak to our day-to-day worries and needs, like my son Tony, who's in Iraq, and trying to get my daughter Latricia into private school. Public schools around here are a real disaster, you know?"

Other respondents felt the same. Area resident Sam White commented that "We give Martin Luther King one day; we only gave Jesus two days! Jesus goes back in his box by New Year's and it's high time that MLK did the same."

The Ethiopians Are Leaving! The Ethiopians Are Leaving!

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia: In recent weeks, the Ethiopian government has conducted a lightning war against the Islamic Courts movement that had conquered much of Somalia. With support from the internationally-recognized Somalian transitional government, Ethiopian troops have just ousted all radical fighters from the capital, Mogadishu.

Today, Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi announced that the Ethiopian military is set to pull out of Somalia within the next few days. African Union delegates are currently meeting to form a peacekeeping force in support of the fledgling Somalian democracy.

According to sources within the American administration, President Bush has repeatedly contacted the Ethiopians in an attempt to apply the 'African experience' to America's conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Allegedly, President Bush keeps asking, "But don't you need a Surge? What about the Surge?"

... And We're Back

Thank God - I've moved to a civilized little community. I knew I'd fit right in when I saw the sign below:


I'll be fine in any town that has an effective Christian-licensing program.

"At the Tap" Announces Corporate Restructuring

South Beloit, IL: Multimedia company "At the Tap" announced today that it will be relocating its corporate headquarters to the semi-tax haven of Roscoe, Illinois in the near future.

According to an At the Tap spokesman, "While the move will result in a short term cash flow reduction and a drop in liquid capital, Management believes that the long term capital appreciation potential of the move will result in reduced opportunity costs, significant expense reductions and the unlocking of significant shareholder value."

Analysts predict a drop in At the Tap's publishing frequency for the duration of the shift, citing the high probability that the majority of the business' resources will be focused on developing core business systems.

[I close on a condo tomorrow. At the Tap goes on a short hiatus whilst I move my stuff.]

It's a Mac, Mac World

San Francisco, CA: First there was iPod, now there's iPhone. IPhone, introduced by Jobs during his keynote speech at the annual Macworld Conference and Expo, was accompanied by Apple TV, a set-top box that streams video from computers to television.

During a later Q&A session, 11- year-old Tommy Stuart asked, "Mr. Jobs, Apple has really reinvented music players and now - phones. I think they're great, but I don't understand why you don't design a similar kind of computer. I mean, iPods, iPhones; why not an iMac?"

According to witnesses, Mr. Jobs just sighed.

A Public Health Announcement

Last year, a health team swabbed the purses of 100 women in a local mall. The result?

The results of the laboratory tests contained the following most serious result: 1 out of 4 purses contained E COLI. Other extremely serious bacteria also were listed, including Hepatitis.

Ladies, for your health and ours please: stop shitting in your purses.

Thank you.

The Outsourcing Trend Accelerates

Outsourcing isn't just for corporate America anymore! Researchers report that this trend continues to accelerate, with millions of America's young adults and teens busily outsourcing their lives. From social networks like Facebook to FastDater to Tickle, there are a host of companies that cater to practical and ruthless efficiency.

According to recent studies, more than half of American teens use social networks extensively. "It's gr8!", according to MySpace member sweetteen_1987, "Now I can have hundreds of 'friends' without having to interact, speak to or even meet any of them!"

Researchers have also noted a dramatic membership drop in fraternal, veterans' and civic organizations. The average age of a Kiwanis member is now 51, with the average Mason topping 70. The news isn't all bad, however; other community groups such as homeowner and condo associations are expanding rapidly.

Combined with the recent growth of Internet relationships and 'speed dating', Internet shopping (including grocery delivery), and the growth of private gyms and fitness clubs, experts predict that all social interactions will be commoditized within five years. "It's a shame that my parents had to grow up so ... analog", said webmaster Jason Greer, "I can't imagine what it would be like to go out and actually meet strangers - absolutely no quality control at all!"

Village Downsizes Witch

Kensington, CT: Village president Dave Grohl announced today that it would be terminating its long-standing arrangement with area hag and witch, Dorothea Barton. According to Mr. Grohl, changing attitudes were ultimately responsible for the shift.

"With the culture today of 'hooking up' at the expense romance and true love, the market for love potions and charms is way down. And, according to Dorotea, between global warming and el nino, she can hardly call up a rain squall anymore.

"Well, that just leaves us the 'hexes-and-evil-eyes' bit and, frankly, since the battery plant up and left for Mexico, we already have more of that than than we need."

Nationally, the demand for supernatural services has been in slow decline for more than a dozen years. Analysts point to changing tastes in the occult; while fortune telling has seen only a slight erosion in popularity, other forms of black magic like satanism and witchery have simply 'dropped off the map'.

Spokesmen for the crone expressed sadness at the recent decision with the hope that the council might reconsider. Villagers, however, say that they have reached consensus and plan on giving Widder Barton a 'traditional Connecticut send-off'.

What's the state of State?

According to a recent AP article, former president 'Tricky Dick' Nixon vowed to ruin the US Foreign Service.

George Bush has apparently brought in John Negroponte to finish the job.

Hollywood's Sequel Frenzy

Hollywood, CA: Recently, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford have announced new sequels for the Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, and Rambo series. Faced with renewed audience enthusiasm with these hoary film legends, the studios have unveiled several new projects currently on the planning boards, including:

• Pretty Woman II: Back on the Streets. Julia Roberts has announced she will reprise her titular character in a new, 'gritty' film about a 40-something whore thrown back onto the streets by her angry millionaire ex-husband. According to the actress, "It was a role I could really sink my teeth into."
  
• The Magnificent Eight: Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner reprise their famous roles as hired gunmen and mercenaries in this epic western. A Paramount spokesmen said that because of the liberal use of 'movie magic', the chronic case of death of both men won't affect their performance.
  
• Scarface 2 / From Dusk Till Dawn 4. Tony Montana rises from the dead to feast on the blood of his enemies. According to director Quentin Tarentino, " Conceptually this move was a challenge to make, especially because it makes no sense."
• James Bond 22: A Stitch In Time. According to a spokesman, "Mr. Craig makes an excellent Bond and we have already optioned him for Bond 23. However in order to capitalize on the popularity and momentum of Casino Royale, the studio has assembled a movie from outtakes and deleted scenes from the previous 21 films." Critics who have screened the movie report that it has an 'all-star cast' and the most coherent plot of the series.
  

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Ten Extremely Implausible 2007 Predictions

1. The federal government will default on debt when president Bush shifts revenues from a 'tax- and fee-based' system to a free-market 'ad-based' scheme.
2. The Social Security Administration restates its finances and announces sufficient funding for the foreseeable future. During an audit, the SSA discovers that back in the '80s, Harold in Accounting didn't carry a zero.
3. The Democrats, on the heels of the astonishing 2006 mid-term elections, will miraculously avoid self-destruction, coalescing around a single leader and message in a clear bid to re-take the White House.
4. Against all logic, the Iraqi insurgency will fail to collapse with the death of the deposed and powerless dictator Saddam Hussein.
5. 2007's biggest political scandal will involve octogenarian West Virginia senator Robert Byrd, Miss America 2006 Jennifer Berry, 14 pounds of butter and a cockfight.
6. In a stunning change of fortune, American automakers Ford and GM will once again produce vehicles that consumers want to buy, and at a price profitable for themselves.
7. In a "po-tay-to / po-tah-to" moment, Arab & Israeli negotiators will agree to a complete and permanent cessation of hostilities. Surprisingly, they are not immediately executed by the radical wings of their own governments.
8. Faced with a notable loss of interest, celebrity tabloids TMZ.com, the National Enquirer and the New York Daily News fold and shut down operations.
9. The weblog movement will explode in popularity as people realize that blogging truly is 'money for nothing'.
10. Future generations will identify 2007 as the 'Year that Humanity Grew Up'.
    

Today: At the Tap's 'Top 10 in 2006'

Over-alliterative is not a word in At the Tap's dictionary.

Now, this blog is all about enjoying symmetry and recognizing milestones.

And waffles. We're all about waffles, too. But that's a digression.

This makes At the Tap's 200th post. In honor of that, and in honor of the year gone by, we're going to take Grumps' conceit and submit a retrospective of favorite posts for the year.

(Apparently we're also all about stealing ideas, but we prefer to call it 'leveraging best practices'.)

To Grumps, who can either take credit or responsibility for getting me blogging in the first place.

At the Tap's Top 10 in 2006:

1. Back in April, I got a little mad and ranted about why I'm glad I'm out of style.
2. I wondered what the Cutting Crew was really saying in their single (I Just) Died In Your Arms.
3. Then there's the President's new 'tough on terror' initiative: the STAR Court.
4. My first public service post: You Might Be a Postmodernist If...
5. Back in August, Superman was arrested on immigration charges...
6. Also note: in this day and age, satire is getting much harder.
7. At The Tap noted the high journalistic standards of that 'other paper', the WSJ.
8. Wal-Mart develops its newest brand extension: Sam's Church. Any questions?
9. Peacekeepers for Texas. Whoulda thunkit?
10. And, to round out my favs: Voter Psychology 101.

Overheard

Today I heard an ad on TV: "The National Geographic Channel presents UFOs: Seeing Is Believing. Can 40 million people be wrong?"

The Answer: 62 million people voted for George W. Bush back in '04.

I rest my case.

Sean Connery Officially Older Than Dirt

Scientists have concluded that Sean Connery's transition from 'Sexy Hunk' to 'Leathery Old Man' is complete.

See the magic transition!

2006 Year In Review

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review

You Just Gotta Stand by Your Man

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand

But if you love him please forgive him
Even though he shot someone in the face
And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause that male prostitute is a disgrace

Stand by your man
Give him arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the pages don't return his calls

Stand by your man
Despite the slaughter in Iraq
Even though he no longer runs the Pentagon
Stand by your man

And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause he has to run in Texas

Stand by your man
Give him another phone line to tap
And something warm to come to
After he's busted for bribery

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

(apologies to Patsy Cline)

For Your Viewing Pleasure: The World's Oldest Website

It is (drumroll please):

Symbolics, registered way back on March 15th, 1985. And looks it, too.

via MacUser

Questions I Can't Answer

1. Why is it that extreme right- and left-wingers are equally offensive, but in such dramatically different ways?
2. Why is it that Americans are so worried about losing heavy manufacturing (automotive, industrial, chemical) overseas, but nobody wants it in their backyard?
3. Why is it you rarely hear about moderate or liberal Christians in the media? Don't Unitarians make good copy?
4. Will the global warming debate be decided before or after Miami is underwater?
   
5. When is the phrase 'venal politician' going to be officially declared a redundancy?
6. What, exactly, is the practical difference between a freedom fighter and a terrorist? And while we're on the subject, what's the difference between a looter and a finder?
7. When Bush prays for 'peace on earth, good will toward men', does he include a mental asterisk?
   

Where's COPS When You Need Them?

Here's the arrest I want a film crew at:

Police say a man they pulled over for driving drunk continued to swig his beer during his arrest. When he finally stopped, Allain allegedly continued to drink a 40-ounce bottle of beer, telling officers, "You can charge me with whatever you want. It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."

The Enlightenment Calls a Draw

Los Angeles, CA: The Enlightenment called for a draw in its long battle against Religion today, citing a long-term stalemate with neither side gaining critical mass. The Enlightenment, which began as a 17th-century European intellectual movement favoring empiricism, science, reason and rationality, has long been engaged in an intense 'hearts and minds' competition with the Religious authority of mysticism, spirituality and strict interpretation from the Bible.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment admitted that its victories over Scholasticism, 19th century Evangelicalism, and early Christian fundamentalism were temporary. "You know, I really thought the Scopes Monkey Trial was the clincher. Sure it went two rounds, but Scopes wasn't convicted and the law was eventually struck down."

But that victory was only a temporary setback for strict Creationism and Religion. Recent decades have seen Religion rally a related movement, Intelligent Design. Analysts suggest that despite recent Kansas court cases overturning ID laws, the Enlightenment is looking tired.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment outlined its plan to divide the United States into spheres of control. It claimed the West Cost, and Maryland through New York while ceding all land between the Appalachians and the Rockies. The scheme has ignited a storm of protest from small Mennonite communities located in upstate New York and Quakers in Washington while other communities such as Madison, Wisconsin have drafted plans to physically relocate south of Seattle, WA.

In response, Religion only wiped blood from its nose and said, "I'm just getting started. Bring it on."

If Not Now, When?

Christmas is a time of renewal and new beginnings. The days grow longer and winter starts to fade. In that spirit, maybe it's time to stage a new beginning for yourself.

Smokers - thinking of quitting?
Alcoholics - a new study has shed light on the mechanics of addiction.
And spruce up your financial health - here are five ways to climb out of debt.
Ever thought of going back to school? It's easier than ever...

Good luck, everyone. May the road rise to meet you and may the wind be ever at your back.

Christmas Crimes

Apparently we've moved beyond stealing lawn ornaments.

• An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.
• A motorcycle-riding Santa Claus with a stuffed Rudolph in his sidecar was arrested after allegedly grabbing an 8-year-old girl from outside a South Carolina convenience store. The man was in his Claus outfit filling his bike with gas when the girl's family stopped by the store.
• In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner. "And why Frosty?"
• David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C.
• In Wichita, Kansas, a mother of three came home to find burglars had kicked in her door. They took presents under the tree, turkey for the family's Christmas dinner, TV and computer.
• An Australian soccer player (they call them "footballers") was arrested for causing grievous bodily harm while home for the holidays. The fellow party-goer is still in the hospital with head injuries.
  
• In England, police are investigating the death of a young father who was found beaten up in a street. Ten men, aged between 16 and 22, and a 20-year-old woman were arrested over the murder of Daron Hargreaves, 32, who died after being attacked in Stoke-on-Trent.
  

Christmas Is the Merriest Time of Year

I went to Wal-Mart last night to pick up vodka, but even if I hadn't gone there for alcohol, I'd have bought it by the time I left.

I could describe the condition of store and shoppers, but you can fill in the blanks. Suffice it to say that I got a really dirty look from the cashier when I wished her a "Merry Christmas".

Slob Evolution

Who Am I?

What can I say, I am a virtual parasite. I'm either sifting through garbage, or I'm hunting you down. Hey, I have no problem being a bloodsucker. Neither do my friends, and there's a lot of us out here; more every year. We're becoming a real problem in the Midwest. Not that I care - I'm just trying to get my hooks into you.

Who am I?

* * *

I'm a lamprey!

I'll bet you thought I was making a lawyer, politician or journalist joke, weren't you?

Revealed: President Bush Commits Treason!

Washington DC: In a fast-breaking scandal sure to shake the capital to its very foundations, the administration admitted today that former president George W. Bush has in the pay of the Kremlin for at least the last six years.

George Bush, who abdicated the Presidency and fled the country in a Soviet-era Tupolev transport, denied the allegations.

"We're not sure when he was turned by the Reds", said a shaken Dick Cheney today, "It may have occurred at a fund raiser during his first run for the Texas governorship. On the other hand, a Natasha could have gotten to him during his hedonistic nose candy college days."

President Cheney continued, "My God, how could we have been so blind?"

"All that we know for sure is that his handler, Karl Rovovich, has been carefully guiding him throughout his presidency. In retrospect, it should have been obvious: since taking the Oval Office, Bush has taken every conceivable opportunity to destroy America's moral authority, military reputation and economic might."

"It will take decades to recover from this presidency."

Link Farms Report a Bumper Crop in '06

Wichita, KS: Experts report that link farms have seen explosive growth in 2006. According to some, link farms, whose sole purpose is to derive referral income from internet traffic without actually providing any economic or social benefit, are the fastest growing form of agriculture in the United States.

According to Gary Roehm, manager of one of MegaGo.com's numerous global data centers, said this year will be known as one of the bumper years in link farm history.

"Yep. We got all your good links here. I got your penis enlargers, your free PS3's, your trips and travels and shopping sites. And I got variety in varieties too! Why I've links to eboy, ebayy, ebya and ebbay right here."

Gary paused, then looked out into the distance over the racks of servers, "And one of 'em is even hijacker-free!" He winked. "But ya gotta click on 'em all to find which one it is."

Christmas Just Ain't What It Used To Be

Savanna, GA: Across the nation, America's parents are wondering what has happened to the Christmas spirit. The traditional holiday pleasures of peace, reflection and joyous reunion with family and friends have dissipated amidst the stress of planning gatherings, competition for the year's hot toys, tension at family gatherings and extra workload and overtime.

One southern resident Nancy Bell said with a brittle smile, "Well, I can hardly afford Christmas so I've been working double shifts on Saturdays since the weekend before Thanksgiving. I've not seen my husband more than two nights a week in months, but it'll all be worth it when we get to see Tom & Jenny's faces on Christmas morning!"

A bystander chimed in, "Yeah, it's so hard to know what to get. And when your kids' friends' parents are dropping a grand for presents, you kind of feel obligated to keep up, ya know?"

When 100 random people at areas malls were asked what their most treasured Christmas memories were, the most popular responses were: decorating the Christmas tree, a first kiss under mistletoe, visiting with cousins, and playing cards in front of the tree.

In addition, 14 of the respondents used foul language and knocked down the pollsters as they shouldered by.

"I've been working my butt off to just be able to afford the holiday debt. Isn't that the spirit of Christmas?"

Tell Me Again Why We Were Worried?

Ah: the 1980s, when groups like Twisted Sister were considered a legitimate major social concern. I'm glad we live in simpler times now.

French Military History in a Nutshell

I know you've read it elsewhere, but it's still amusing.

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Ever Met A Man With More Balls Than Brains?

Such a man was recently arrested for, of all things, trying to pass a 'poorly photocopied check' off as the real thing.

Unfortunately, the day he picked for his crime wasn't a good one: dozens of officers were at the suburban Detroit Wal-Mart helping needy children pick out items as part of an annual "Shop with a Cop" charity event.

He had to walk past 40 squad cars to reach the front door. You'd think he could have used the K-Mart across town!

H&M to Launch New Fashion Line: M by Madonna

Retailer H&M (coming soon to Madison, WI) has announced a deeper collaboration with singer Madonna, who will be launching a new line of fashion, "M". From the press release,

"The 'M by Madonna' fashion line will reflect Madonna's timeless, unique and always glamorous style"

I see.

Some Wars End Peacefully

Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC-The new memorial commemorates the thousands laid off during the 'Just For The Taste Of It' campaign.

While veterans from both sides of the Cola War were moved and honored by the new memorial, controversy still remains over Pepsi's decision to drop the Uh-Huh bomb in May 1991.

"They didn't have to do it," said Harvard University history professor Arthur A. Gould. "By all indications, the war would have been over within six months, anyway."

Thanks for the Left-Handed Compliment Blogger

The word verification from my last post:


If I ever have to type in 'usuck', I give up though.

You'll Take Our Burgers When You Pry Them From Our Cold Dead Hands

So. New York has banned trans fats. I'm conflicted about this because, on the one hand I think this is paternalism going too far. On the other hand, I also happen to know how partially hydrogenated vegetable oil is made.

The hydrogenation process involves sparging [it's a filtering process] the oil at high temperature and pressure with hydrogen in the presence of a catalyst, typically a powdered nickel compound.

That's right. Powdered metal is mixed with vegetable oil. Then it's electrocuted. This is what we've been eating.

Makes head cheese sound inviting, doesn't it?

Didn't Voltaire say "I disapprove with what you're eating, but I will defend to the death your right to eat it"?

But what the hell. And, while we're at it, let's crack down on sugar, booze, live entertainment and full contact sports. I'm pretty sure we can manage to squeeze all the fun out of life. But the actuaries and economists will be happy.

Kikkoman Soy Sauce: Now This Is My Kind of Video!

It's a fish-headed superhero!
It's an extremely Japanese anime!
No, it's really kind of weird!

Well no, it's a Kikkoman Soy Sauce advertisement (english subtitles). The video really speaks for itself though.

My favorite part is when the soy sauce gets lucky, personally. You can check out the video here.

Most Read Stories 12/8/06

BBC:
* Condoms 'too big' for Indian men
* Abused woman braves Tanzania's media
* St Paul's tomb unearthed in Rome
* Birth rate 'harms poverty goals'
* UK firms 'exploiting Bangladesh'

New York Times:
# Troubled Children: Off to College Alone, Shadowed by Mental Illness
# Woman’s Best Friend, or Accessory?
# Ouch! My Bag Is Killing Me
# Is Marathoning Too Much of a Good Thing for Your Heart?
# Basics: Vista Is Ready. Are You?

LA Times:
# Manliness is next to godliness
# Speaking frankly about Israel and Palestine
# Hillary's too vane to be president
# Islam gets concessions; infidels get conquered
# Zillow is for sales, not just snooping

Washington Post:
• For Now, an Unofficial Rivalry
• Partial Roof Collapse Injures 16 in Arlington
• Bush Appears Cool to Key Points Of Report on Iraq
• Costly Fleet Update Falters
• Ex-Ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick Dies

There's probably a commentary somewhere in here.

Why Are We Obsessed With Backing Losers?

Seriously.

Bosnia: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government that couldn't stand without us. The Serbs, Bosnians and Croats are just all waiting for 'the West' to leave before starting Act II.

Iraq: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (currently being consumed by sectarian forces) that couldn't stand without us. Except in this case, the Shiites and Sunnis AREN'T waiting for us to leave first.

Afghanistan: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (currently losing in the 'boots on the ground' department to the Taliban) that couldn't stand without us. And the Pashtuns, the nations largest tribal group, are getting tired of waiting for us to leave before re-igniting the civil war.

And let's not forget:

Haiti: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (not that there's a untied opposition or rebellion, but the government would be overwhelmed by the general disorder of criminal gangs). Our presence keeps the chaos just under the boiling point.

And now we can add:

Somalia: the UN just authorized a military relief operation to - guess what - support a weak central government that really can't stand without help. Actually I'm not sure that it can stand with help. You know, with not having any soldiers, bureaucracy, or public support of its own.

Now, I'm not an isolationist. But as we should have learned in Vietnam, backing a weak, corrupt government, whether or not it's officially "democratic", is a losing proposition when squared against a united opposition that has the support of the majority of the citizenry, plenty of weapons, and (in many cases) the moral high ground.

(People may not completely agree with the civic or religious agenda of the Taleban, Hamas, Hezbollah or Al Queda, but at least they're not drug dealers, breathtakingly corrupt or out raping women and children.)

Somebody, please give me an example where this worked. Sure, it turned out ok with South Korea and Greece back in the Fifties, but in both cases the government was at least considered legitimate by its own citizens, right?

Professor Comes Up With A Way To Divide From Zero

According to the article, a concept that baffled Pythagoras and Newton is 'easy'. According to Doctor Anderson,

The number line stretches all the way from minus infinity to plus infinity in a straight line. The new number, nullity, lies off the number line. I drew it above zero, but it can be drawn anywhere that is not on the line. Its geometry can be understood in the same way that the number i, the square root of minus one, can be understood. All of its algebraic properties can be drawn as pictures in co-ordinate geometry. Some people use j to indicate the square root of minus one.

And this is better than calling it Not A Number? Doctor, I'll let you explain it to my 9th grade math teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

via Slashdot

Greenland Forms CFC Advocacy Board

Nuuk, Greenland - The Greenland territorial government has announced the formation of a marketing and public relations council to advocate the use of 'that most all-around useful chemical, the chlorofluorocarbon'.

According to a spokesman, "We believe that the noble CFC has gotten a bad reputation. This industrial chemical has many useful properties, including semiconductor device fabrication, as refrigerants, solvents, aerosol spray propellants, and fire extinguishing agents. These many uses put CFCs in a class by themselves."

"We acknowledge the concern about CFCs contributing to global warming, but as Bush administration scientists have shown, these beliefs are as yet unproven. And should the use of these chemicals result in a little Greenland ice melting, what's the harm in that? So please - buy products with the CFCAB-certified label."

The Resignation of Ambassador John Bolton

WASHINGTON, Dec. 4 — President Bush reluctantly accepted the resignation of the United Nations ambassador,John R. Bolton, on Monday.

According to the President, “they chose to obstruct his confirmation, even though he enjoys majority support in the Senate, and even though their tactics will disrupt our diplomatic work at a sensitive and important time,” Mr. Bush said. “This stubborn obstructionism ill serves our country, and discourages men and women of talent from serving their nation.”

Mr. Bush went on to say that Bolton deserves the ambassadorship as much as he deserves the Presidency.

Congressional Democrats reportedly agreed 'wholeheartedly'.

But Will It Play In Toledo?

See it?

No?

Well, try this:

Yep. CBS now considers video game playing to be part of the wide (very wide) world of sports. Well, after poker made it I suppose this is the next logical step. Think I'm joking? Click here.

U.S. - British 'Special Relationship' Spat

New York, NY: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan chided the United States and Britain on Friday, saying "I know two nuclear powers that better apologize and start playing together again."

Relations betwen the two nations have been strained since State Department analyst Kendall Myers took a jab at the British government, saying that cooperation had been very 'one-sided'.

On Thursday, Prime Minister Tony Blair reportedly told his cabinet that 'well, if that's the way they feel we can just take the fifth, seventh and fourteenth armored out of Basra and go home' adding that English soldiers had done 'more than their share' in Afghanistan and Bosnia.

In concluding remarks before the UN General Assembly, Secretary Annan said "There there. There there."

For Debt & Honor!

What do you get when you combine minimal education, a 'seize the day' mentality, and combat pay?

A security risk...

New Citizenship Test: Are 295 Million Americans at Risk?

Washington, DC: The US Government unveiled a new citizenship test in a press release yesterday. All US citizens will be required to pass the new assessment, which is designed to measure a person's 'passion' for democracy and the United States.

Some of the new test questions:

• Why does the United States have three branches of government?
• Name two cabinet-level positions
• Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence
• What does the Constitution do?

Experts predict that roughly 98% of the US population will not be able to meet the new requirements for citizenship. The remaining two percent is comprised mainly of Social Studies teachers, CSPAN junkies, and recent immigrants.

Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Defense, "While we here at the DHS empathize with the vast majority of Americans who will soon be deported to their countries of ancestral origin, the new testing process was designed to be standardized, fair and meaningful. It is important that all US citizens share a common heritage and understanding of key concepts, such the rights and responsibilities of citizenship."

Mr. Chertoff continued, "And, er, speaking of which, does anyone have a list of rights available to US citizens?"