The Enlightenment Calls a Draw

Los Angeles, CA: The Enlightenment called for a draw in its long battle against Religion today, citing a long-term stalemate with neither side gaining critical mass. The Enlightenment, which began as a 17th-century European intellectual movement favoring empiricism, science, reason and rationality, has long been engaged in an intense 'hearts and minds' competition with the Religious authority of mysticism, spirituality and strict interpretation from the Bible.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment admitted that its victories over Scholasticism, 19th century Evangelicalism, and early Christian fundamentalism were temporary. "You know, I really thought the Scopes Monkey Trial was the clincher. Sure it went two rounds, but Scopes wasn't convicted and the law was eventually struck down."

But that victory was only a temporary setback for strict Creationism and Religion. Recent decades have seen Religion rally a related movement, Intelligent Design. Analysts suggest that despite recent Kansas court cases overturning ID laws, the Enlightenment is looking tired.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment outlined its plan to divide the United States into spheres of control. It claimed the West Cost, and Maryland through New York while ceding all land between the Appalachians and the Rockies. The scheme has ignited a storm of protest from small Mennonite communities located in upstate New York and Quakers in Washington while other communities such as Madison, Wisconsin have drafted plans to physically relocate south of Seattle, WA.

In response, Religion only wiped blood from its nose and said, "I'm just getting started. Bring it on."