New Citizenship Test: Are 295 Million Americans at Risk?

Washington, DC: The US Government unveiled a new citizenship test in a press release yesterday. All US citizens will be required to pass the new assessment, which is designed to measure a person's 'passion' for democracy and the United States.

Some of the new test questions:

• Why does the United States have three branches of government?
• Name two cabinet-level positions
• Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence
• What does the Constitution do?

Experts predict that roughly 98% of the US population will not be able to meet the new requirements for citizenship. The remaining two percent is comprised mainly of Social Studies teachers, CSPAN junkies, and recent immigrants.

Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Defense, "While we here at the DHS empathize with the vast majority of Americans who will soon be deported to their countries of ancestral origin, the new testing process was designed to be standardized, fair and meaningful. It is important that all US citizens share a common heritage and understanding of key concepts, such the rights and responsibilities of citizenship."

Mr. Chertoff continued, "And, er, speaking of which, does anyone have a list of rights available to US citizens?"