The Secret World of Penguins

If All Ads Were Like Political Ads...

At Coca Cola, we have a history over one hundred years old of providing a great-tasting beverage that generations of Americans have enjoyed. But at Coke, we're about more than just serving up soda.

We're about providing good American jobs, to Americans, and helping to build the American dream and the American economy. After all, we're as American as apple pie.

If you choose to drink Coke, we promise to continue this great soda-making legacy so that your children, and their children's children will have lots of fizzy brown liquid to drink. After all, we're just like you. Heck, we've worked the night shift too.

And unlike some of our beverage industry competitors, we don't believe in producing a cut-rate pop that sickens and poisons our consumers. No, we believe in producing a top-quality chilled beverage option that you can enjoy just about anywhere.

My name is Muhtar Kent, and I approve this message.



[Paid for Americans who love Americans that Drink Coke.]

The 2008 Presidential Primaries: A Proprietor's Guide

Presidential contests always draw a wide assortment of candidates all the way down to Bill, at the corner of the bar over there. Hi Bill! However this guide is limited to the main actors rather than every Tom, Dick and Harry who had a few half-witted supporters. After all, if Tommy Thompson can't speak coherently for himself, why should I be forced to do so?

The Republicans

Ron Paul: Fan of libertarians and John Birch Society members alike, Ron Paul carried (carries) the standard of classic pragmatic conservatism. It's odd that despite the near-fellatio of Reagan's corpse by every Republican candidate, the candidate most similar to Reagan himself never had a chance. Really, watching Ron Paul campaign is like watching Don Quixote wind up for a go at a field of windmills. Last seen boarding a Greyhound bus headed for Austin.

Rudy Giuliani: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy - what happened? You had all the money and name recognition in the world and you still lost it all. Granted, you didn't have an organization and liberal Republicans have had a snowball's chance in hell since Rockefeller lost the soul of the party to Nixon, but hey. Rudy's loss also goes to show that voters may not mind a few skeletons in a candidate's closet (hi Gennifer!), but when you have enough bodies to start your own corpse baseball team, you may have a problem.

Mike Huckabee: Huckabee is still in the race, God knows why (ha ha). Icon of fundamentalists everywhere, Huck is actually the creation of the Moderate Christian Conservative Die & Stamping Company (MCCD&S Co), located in Ames, Iowa. Despite early momentum, at this point a win by Huckabee would prove the existence of an active, interventionist God. The near-certain defeat of his candidacy may mean that the Republican Party is starting to shake free of the grip of the religionists, but I wouldn't count on it.

Mitt Romney: John Kerry's donkey shaped-double. Who would have thought that a tall, rich former businessman accused of falling on both sides of every issue could fail in a political contest? Oh well. I suppose we should all be thankful that Smitty ran face-first into a wall before the Swift Boat ads started coming out. Surprisingly, Romney's Mormon roots proved to be a non-issue; his other faults and mis-steps caught up with him first.

John McCain: Almost certain to be the Republican nominee. Not sure why McCain isn't more of a darling by the Christian right; after all, his campaign has already come back from the dead once. John McCain is candidate whose major qualification is 'spent several years in a tiger cage'. Hey - he may not have economic expertise, strong organizational capabilities or physical vitality but the man has extensive foreign experience.

The Democrats

John Edwards: Apparently there were three candidates in the democratic primary. Who knew? I kid, John, I kid! Actually, Edwards has been running for president continuously since he first announced his candidacy back in 2002. Heck, he even campaigned for president during that stint as Kerry's vice presidential candidate. Unfortunately for John, after Hillary trumped him on the 'experience' card and Barack stole his 'outsider' thunder, it's no surprise that Johnny boy is still sitting on a ton of 'Edwards for President' banners.

Hillary Clinton: Playing the HD-DVD to the O-Bom's Blu-Ray. Hillary has fought the good fight, but political currents seem to be turning decisively against her. A victory for Hillary would be a win for substance over style because, frankly, Hillary has none of the latter. If Hillary does pull out a hail mary-style win over Obama, it would mean that Americans can accept a female presidential candidate, while a loss means they simply won't elect a bitch.

Barack Obama: the word 'baraka' is Arabic for lucky or 'blessing from God', so maybe Mrs. Obama was on to something here. A win by Barack would be the victory of style over substance because, frankly, Barack doesn't have any of the latter. Now Abraham Lincoln may not have had a lot of national experience before being elected president, but neither did Warren Harding so I'm not sure what's proven there. If you're looking for a president who will deal with problems by making a frowny face and beaming empathy, vote for Barack!


God save the USA.

Where Have All The Real Estate Infomercials Gone?

(Thanks, Paula Cole)

Oh you get me ready in your 56 chevy
Why dont we sit down in front of the tube
And look for 'NO MONEY DOWN!'
The tv sun scorching,
Like a fresh foreclosure listing
I'll search the listings if you call the bank

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomercials gone

Why dont you stay the evening
Kick back and watch Carleton Sheets
And Ill fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from walking on new hardwood floors
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will finance our first condo if you pay all the bills

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomericals gone

I am wearing my new sweatpants today
But you dont even notice me
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes

We finally flipped the condo
When we marked it down 20%
And you took that job in tennessee...

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomericals gone

Book Review: More Natural Cures Revealed by Kevin Trudeau

Do you believe that the big pharmaceutical industry doesn't care whether you are sick or well? You're probably worth more alive and sick rather than healthy! In fact, you'd really be better off living in a rural Amazonian village of rude mud huts relying on homeopathic cures and natural medicine rather than be caught in the fist of Big Pharma. If you agree, then More Natural Cures Revealed is the book for you.

This 'treasure trove' of medical 'secrets' contains many mind-blowing cures, remedies and nostrums that the medical companies and your doctor don't want you to know.

As a service to you, dear reader, we'll offer you a sneak peak at one of these astonishing medical 'secrets':

It is also important to note that a common ailment in people who are sick is Lyme disease. Lyme disease is very rarely diagnosed properly. People who have symptoms of MS, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, etc. are never diagnosed as having Lyme Disease. Lyme disease is prevalent in person after person after person. The percentage is outrageously high to the point of being epidemic. If you are sick I would highly encourage you to check to see if you have Lyme Disease...

Yes, this is exactly the kind of fact-based incisively distilled medical 'wisdom' that you can expect lunging all over this book. Why you can't avoid it even if you want to!

And there is absolutely no fear-mongering here - it's all the straight truth, folks.

If you're still interested in this fine book of medical 'secrets', then I certainly can't stop you from buying it. If you're not sure you may want to hold off as I'm sure you'll be able to find copies in your local thrift shop or used book store very, very soon.

BMG Surrenders to Shawn Fanning

Major record labels such as BMG and Universal Music privately surrendered to Shawn Fanning, creator of the original music sharing website, Napster.

"You win, Fanning - you win. We'll give you whatever you want - sale via .wavs, .mp3s, whatever.", said BMG chairman Nicholas Firth. "Just call off the Torrents, would you?"

According to one insider, "We realized, after a decade of declining sales, that people weren't going to buy a product they couldn't use. That's when the Ghost of Music Past appeared and showed us the error of our ways."

"If we can't sell the music, at least we can sell the advertising next to it. I'm told that Google has done fairly well with that business model."

Metallica Heads Back to the Studio

In an interview today, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said that the band was heading back to the studio to start working on a new album. "We've taken everything: all the best ideas, lyrics and riffs that we've come up with in the last three years and gone into the studio."

Mr. Ulrich went on to say that the band already had enough material for two good songs. "Not, you know, like "Unforgiven good" but at least "No Leaf Clover good".

Mr. Ulrich concluded the interview by saying "Yeah, we're still bad. So f*ing bad."

With Relief, the Nation Forgets About Martin Luther King For Another Year

According to experts, the thoughtfulness and reflection surrounding Martin Luther King day faded faster than ever this year, with 51% of Americans having forgotten the date of 'MLK Day' by January 17th.

According to Cleveland resident LaWanda Johnson, "You know, I really agree with Dr. King's position on nonviolence, equality and political self-expression. But nowadays his message doesn't speak to our day-to-day worries and needs, like my son Tony, who's in Iraq, and trying to get my daughter Latricia into private school. Public schools around here are a real disaster, you know?"

Other respondents felt the same. Area resident Sam White commented that "We give Martin Luther King one day; we only gave Jesus two days! Jesus goes back in his box by New Year's and it's high time that MLK did the same."