A long time ago, I was a brighter-than-average student at Saint Aloysius Catholic grade school. At this time of this story, I might have been in the 3rd Grade.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Those nice folks over at Zagat finished their 2009 Survey, restaurant-style. Copied below are some pretty amusing outtakes from the survey responses. If you would like to play a game, tray and match where the likely eatery to their comment! (Unfortunately we'll never know for sure.)
If mayonnaise were currency, these guys could fund the bailout.
Had a bad experience with a sandwich and a rubber glove.
My children loved it when they were younger, but now they have taste buds.
All the major food groups represented: salt, fat and carbs.
Noisier than the engine room on a tramp freighter.
Service blows harder than a Kansas tornado.
Low-end burgers in a world of Formica.
They use so much cornstarch that the state of Iowa should erect a monument to them.
Usually dreadful, sometimes rises to awful.
The story of my last visit had a big dead bug in the punch line.
Their cheese has never met a cow, nor been in the same room as one.
Looks like the kitchen staff is on a prison work-release program.
Food doesn't taste much better than the facilities smell.
Bad pizza, loud noise, stupid games and every child under eight wants to go there.
Never an extra charge for that strand of hair in your tuna melt.
Slowest fast food anywhere.
Eleven herbs and spices but eight of them are salt.
Good morning heartburn.
They might as well fry the drinks – everything else is prepared that way.
A wine list straight from 7-Eleven.
Steaks as tough as a longshoreman.
A childhood pleasure, an adult nightmare.
Where everybody knows your name because everyone is named Bubba.
Mediocrity would be a step up for this chain.
A blight on the suburban landscape.
If the food doesn't kill you the noise will.
Who cares about healthy options when you are seven years old?
I got a band-aid in an onion ring there 40 years ago.
Are those fruit toppings or melted crayons?
I tend to lose my enthusiasm as the grease begins to run down my arm.
Ground zero for the blandification of America.
They don't have chefs, they have food warmers.
Avoid this restaurant like the plague, which you might be able to catch at a few of its locations.
My concept of what hell must be like.
Another choice for truly desperate times.
Monday, May 11, 2009
In yesterday's Chicago Tribune "10 things you might not know about Modern art":
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dear readers, (who are much brighter than me) I'm sure that this is nothing new to you.
'Learning' never ends.
'Charity' begins, but does not end, at home.
'Nutrition' doesn't come in pills or powders.
'Exercise' isn't something that you do four hours a week in the gym.
'Work' happens all the time.
'Food' doesn't come in a box.
'Music' isn't just something to be listened to. It is meant to be played. And danced to.
'Fun' isn't something you do when all else is done.
Life is life. It can't be subdivided.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
You may not have known this, but Simon Cowell is also the host of a show similar to American Idol (actually Idol was modelled on this) called Britain's Got Talent.
It's beautiful. Seriously. And moving. And you get to see Simon grinning like a mooncalf.
Yes - a mooncalf.
Friday, March 20, 2009
*Anonymous Preteen Pepsquad Member (APPM), age approximately 13 years
*Nathan (At the Tap, prop.), age approximately 30 years
APPM (on cell phone, loudly): Hi Mom! Our flight got canceled and we've got to fly, like, through Chicago now.
Nathan: (waits to board)
APPM: Yeah. It sucks. It'll be like, another 5 hours before we can get home... Yeah, I will.
Nathan: (waits to board)
APPM: Yeah. Ok. See you later - oh wait!
Nathan: (waits to board)
APPM: Yeah, Mom: don't go to Walmart tonight.
Nathan: (waits to board)
APPM: No, I said DON'T GO TO WALMART TONIGHT. There's going to be, like, a gang initiation there.
APPM: Yeah... You really don't want to go to Walmart tonight... Yeah, ok. Love you too. (sunnily) Bye!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
From USA Today:
"U.S. combat deaths in Iraq have flattened at the lowest level since the war
began six years ago Thursday, and the Navy has not lost a member to combat in
more than a year.
Three Marines have been killed in combat since August, and
none since December, records show. The Air Force hasn't had a combat death since April, and the Navy since February 2008. "
Well, no shit. It's not like we're traiding 20mm shells with Iraqi task force groups.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
From an article entitled "Top 10 Weird Uses for Vodka":
"Many people have reported that if they immediately pour vodka over an area that has contacted poison ivy, the alcohol will wash away the culprit, urushiol oil, and they won't experience an uncomfortable reaction. Some have said that the vodka needs to be at least 100 proof to work.
Others have argued that straight rubbing alcohol works better, but we're guessing you may not have that as handy if you are on your average picnic."
And who the hell packs straight 100-proof vodka to an 'average' picnic? Your summertime daytrips must be more interesting than mine.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Can Gossip Be Good?
Q: The only thing my two sisters and I have in common is celebrity gossip. We love our three-way sessions. Is it so bad to gossip if it's something we love and enjoy? - C.P., New Mexico
A (nationally syndicated advice columnist - abridged): My first reaction: Who doesn't have a few bonding moments over celebrity gossip? I can't count how many times I have called a friend or relative to talk about tabloid stuff -- and relate it to personal experiences. ...
Bottom line: It's OK to let idle gossip into a conversation, as long as you use it for clues to talk about what's really on the minds of your family members or friends.
A (me): Jesus.
You mean to tell me that three sisters who, presumably, have known each other all your lives and have known and shared the most intimate details of your lives have nothing better or more significant to talk about than celebrity gossip?
You either need to do more or talk less.
I mean, shit, not only are you morally bankrupt - you're not even interesting. What a vacant and empty life. Let's compare: the Marquis de Sade may have been an absolute shit, but as least his life was interesting. At least it was a life.
You mentioned three-ways. Go out. Have one. Hell, start a knitting club, get a foreign exchange student, get a dog - do something. Repeat to yourself: I must have a meaningful life experience before I'm allowed to talk to my sisters. Now, go.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Who is Ted Strickland?
The governor of Ohio.
Why is he thrilled?
Because Ohio is, bar none, one of the most affordable places to live in the United States. According to the National Association of Home Builders:
10 Most Affordable Cities in the US
#9 Cleveland Metro
(Ohio can also claim part of #3, Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, split with Pennsylvania)
10 Most Affordable Cities under 500,000
#2 Sandusky, OH
#3 Lima, OH
#4 Springfield, OH
#7 Canton-Massillon, OH
In the context of our times of course, "affordable" may be a euphemism for "whose economy resembles a giant sucking hole in the ground". Thus, this may be considered faint praise.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
Before Prohibition, wives with husbands tarryin' too long at the local tavern had an option: the time-tested White Star Liquor Cure, sold by those stalwarts Sears & Roebuck. Slip it in his evening coffee, and mr. Mister won't be straying.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And he wouldn't have died alone in Hungarian exile. But he wouldn't have written Ars Amatoria, either.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
You can tell that 'gmail' (Google's version of email) has been written by and for young adults.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
The six-year-old Virginia tyke didn't actually blame Grand Theft Auto for the car heist, but did tell authorities afterwards that the game taught him how to drive. Early Monday morning, the little guy hopped into his parents' Ford Taurus instead of taking the big yellow bus, and managed to drive it a surprising six miles before slipping over an embankment into a utility pole not far from school.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Ok, so the Reign of Terror is almost over - but that just means I gotta get my last parting shot in.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
The Statue of Freedom, which crowns the dome of the US capitol, was originally cast by a slave named Philip Reid.
Do you think the owners bothered to tell him what he was working on?
It all worked out in the end though: the Civil War wrapped up a little over a year later and Reid was granted his freedom.
Monday, January 05, 2009
As reported by those nice folks at All Things Considered:
"Shawn Goldsmith has accomplished a rare feat for a Boy Scout — he earned all 121 merit badges available. You only need 21 to get the title "Eagle" Scout. "If I run into a stranger, there's definitely something to talk about. I have 121 topics to talk about," he says when asked why he did it."
So how'd that work out for ya, anyway?