Ted Strickland Must Be Thrilled

Who is Ted Strickland?

The governor of Ohio.

Why is he thrilled?

Because Ohio is, bar none, one of the most affordable places to live in the United States. According to the National Association of Home Builders:

10 Most Affordable Cities in the US
#7 Dayton
#8 Akron
#9 Cleveland Metro
(Ohio can also claim part of #3, Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, split with Pennsylvania)

And also:

10 Most Affordable Cities under 500,000
#2 Sandusky, OH
#3 Lima, OH
#4 Springfield, OH
#7 Canton-Massillon, OH

In the context of our times of course, "affordable" may be a euphemism for "whose economy resembles a giant sucking hole in the ground". Thus, this may be considered faint praise.

Monster Manual Comix: Troll

If you have never been to Bad Gods, it's time you checked it out (at least, if your humor tends to the geeky side of life). I don't want to spoil the ending, so here's the setup:

Click here to see the rest.

Now Where Did I Put That Hammer?

From FOXNews.com: 

A spacewalking astronaut accidentally let go of her tool bag Tuesday after a grease gun inside it exploded, and helplessly watched as the tote and everything inside floated away.

I've got to empathize with the astronaut, a lady with the improbably long name of Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper.  I suspect that she's not being totally honest with the story, however; according to her press conference, her response was a mumbled "Oh, great".

At least, I probably would have conveyed my frustration differently.

Later in the spacewalk, a screwdriver floated by in full view of the entire team.

Who The Hell Assumes "Tibor" Is A Woman's Name?

A multinational advertising company conducted a 'team-building' offsite with executives from regional subsidiaries around the globe. However, upon arriving at the designated hotel in Ontario several female Japanese employees discovered that they were scheduled to share rooms with male German representatives.

Apparently the planners, who (surprise!) were American mistakenly thought that names like "Jens" and "Tibor" were women's names.

Tibor?

I mean, seriously, Tibor?

(Tibor)

Lis Friemoth, The Garden Hoe, Can Help You!

Just in case you think I'm making this up. Note the text highlighted below.



Maybe it's me.

A Seven Letter Word For Moron

Ever watch Jeopardy and dominate the contestants only to realize at the end that you've been watching the Teen Tournament?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Nuts!


...

It's Official: Americans Make No Sense

According to a recent Pew Survey (courtesy of NYTimes), Americans apparently believe in everything.

"The new report sheds light on the beliefs of the unaffiliated. Like the overwhelming majority of Americans, 70 percent of the unaffiliated said they believed in God, including one of every five people who identified themselves as atheist and more than half of those who identified as agnostic.

American beliefs:

• The Gulf War wasn't about oil,
  
• No Child Left Behind is really about the children,
• We can protect the environment without raising taxes or altering our lifestyle,
  
• and 20% of atheists believe in God.

No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're nuts.

Now That's What I Call a Trojan Horse!

Baffling non sequiter or sneaky viral marketing campaign?

You make the call!

The Grimace of Realistic Expectations

Week-old egg salad. Limp lettuce. Mysterious ham-like substances.

Have you ever noticed that everyone who's ever stood in front of a cafeteria 'wheel of death'-style vending machine wears the same expression?

It looks like this:


It's the expression of 'I really don't feel like eating here but I don't want to be distracted by hunger pangs'.

Senate Does the Right Thing; Nation Incredulous

Washington, DC: Sixty-two years ago, Congress voted to withhold veterans benefits from hundreds of thousands of Filipino soldiers who fought in World War II. The Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to restore those benefits. After the vote, several senators reportedly grew faint and had to sit down.

Across the nation, US citizens expressed shock and dismay. According to Peoria resident Judy Vimland, "Don't start trying to do the right thing, Senators. You haven't had enough practice."

While some rights groups celebrated news of the pension plan, other activist organizations were subdued, even depressed.

Said lobbyist Jack Arlington, who is advocating US adoption of the Kyoto Protocol, "History tells us that Congress does the right thing once every seven or eight years. We're probably looking at 2015 before we can get a carbon tax and emissions limits in place now."

Are You the Kind of Man Who'll Shoot an Unarmed Man in the Back?

From an NPR article:

"Three undercover detectives were found not guilty Friday in the 2006 police shooting of Sean Bell, a New York case that made national headlines.

Delores Jones-Brown of the John Jay College of Criminal Justice says the case has drawn attention because it's part of a larger pattern of police shooting unarmed suspects."

I don't understand. Of course the cops are shooting unarmed suspects. If they try to shoot armed suspects, the suspects are liable to shoot back.

I Would Be A Cheap Fortune Teller Indeed

...if I were to prognosticate some of today's headlines:

"Democrats, Republicans Differ on Whom Economic Aid Should Help"

"Violence Grips Iraq"

"North Korea Test-Fires Missiles"

"Critics Cite Fraud In Zimbabwe"

"Palestinians Fear Marginalization"

You could find the same stories in the NY Times last week. Or last month. Or last year.

In fact, you could go back 100 years and find much the same headlines, except you'd find articles about Teddy Roosevelt shooting large quadrupeds instead of Cheney shooting bipeds. And they call this progress!

Don't Be a Hater

FOXNews.com is headlining the following story:

"U.S. Based Revolution Muslim Website Spreading Messages of Hate"

So does Pat Robertson.

"Outspoken US Christian evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has accused Muslims of planning world domination, and said some were "satanic".

Is turnabout fair play only when they're not turning on you?

Bush's Legacy As a Statesman and Teacher

GW has been frequently mocked for not being very smart. But when you think of it our current president has introduced more terms into the national lexicon than any other president in recent memory. For example:

• Rendition
• Subprime
• Hanging chad
  
• Unfunded mandates
• Foreign combatants
• Waterboarding
• SIV
• Axis of Evil
• Coalition of the Willing
• Strategery
• Warrantless surveillance
• Preventative war
• Nucular
• Unilateralism

And he's also bringing back some classic terms that haven't come up much in recent decades:

• Stagflation
• Quagmire
• Executive Privilege
• National Debt
• Soup kitchens

Now that's what I call a legacy. Can you think of some more?

Haven't We Played This Record Before?

Then:

FULBRIGHT HINTS U.S. WEIGHS USE OF TROOPS IN ASIA

WASHINGTON, May 4 [1961] -- Senator J.W. Fulbright strongly indicated tonight that the Kennedy Administration was considering the possibility of direct military intervention to counteract Communist threats in South Vietnam and Thailand...

Now:

U.S. Plan Widens Role in Training Pakistani Forces in Qaeda Battle

WASHINGTON [March 2, 2008]— The United States military is developing a plan to send about 100 American trainers to work with a Pakistani paramilitary force that is the vanguard in the fight against Al Qaeda and other extremist groups in Pakistan’s restive tribal areas, American military officials said.

CNN Headline News Bylines I Expect To See Any Day Now

...US Govt. reports entire tax base now consists of 13 teenagers in Decatur Walmart....

...OJ Simpson hijacks bus, robs passengers...

...Ipods now considered legal tender in continental United States...

...Russian President Medvedev promises reforms of Kremlin, political system...

...Premiere Putin snickers, apologizes, says he remembered funny joke he heard last week...

...OJ Simpson claims innocence in recent bus-jacking incident...

...Bush declares war on Iran, bunny rabbits as final actions as president...

...Hillary Clinton cruelly and with malice accuses Obama of 'inexperience'...

...Obama on record: Hillary Clinton strident, toothless hag...

...OJ Simpson apologizes to nation for 'errors in judgement'...

In Honor of Saint Valentine

Book Review: More Natural Cures Revealed by Kevin Trudeau

Do you believe that the big pharmaceutical industry doesn't care whether you are sick or well? You're probably worth more alive and sick rather than healthy! In fact, you'd really be better off living in a rural Amazonian village of rude mud huts relying on homeopathic cures and natural medicine rather than be caught in the fist of Big Pharma. If you agree, then More Natural Cures Revealed is the book for you.

This 'treasure trove' of medical 'secrets' contains many mind-blowing cures, remedies and nostrums that the medical companies and your doctor don't want you to know.

As a service to you, dear reader, we'll offer you a sneak peak at one of these astonishing medical 'secrets':

It is also important to note that a common ailment in people who are sick is Lyme disease. Lyme disease is very rarely diagnosed properly. People who have symptoms of MS, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, etc. are never diagnosed as having Lyme Disease. Lyme disease is prevalent in person after person after person. The percentage is outrageously high to the point of being epidemic. If you are sick I would highly encourage you to check to see if you have Lyme Disease...

Yes, this is exactly the kind of fact-based incisively distilled medical 'wisdom' that you can expect lunging all over this book. Why you can't avoid it even if you want to!

And there is absolutely no fear-mongering here - it's all the straight truth, folks.

If you're still interested in this fine book of medical 'secrets', then I certainly can't stop you from buying it. If you're not sure you may want to hold off as I'm sure you'll be able to find copies in your local thrift shop or used book store very, very soon.

Wouldn't It Just Be Easier to Work at Burger King?

Seriously. Stealing a manhole cover is one thing. Deplorable, yes, shortsighted yes, but understandable. Pull up three and you have enough money to get drunk for a weekend. But this?

LONDON (Reuters) - Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief apparently also left a lit blowtorch at the scene. If he died on the spot, would the power company have been liable? More importantly, do you think a picture of the hacksaw is already hanging up on somebody's wall?

"The sheer stupidity of cutting through power cables should be glaringly obvious to everyone," said Phil Wilson, customer operations manager with local power company Central Networks.

Well, apparently not. We'll probably have to post additional warning labels somewhere.

"At the very least putting the hacksaw through the cable would have created an almighty bang and the line would have burned for quite a few seconds, showering them with molten copper... We can only assume they left in a great hurry or they were injured and were dragged away by an accomplice."

You know what they say: "friends help you move; real friends haul away your corpse after you've been fried by an 11,000 volt mainline".

Petraeus Goes Out On A Limb

General David Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq, conceded in an open letter to the troops today that the Iraq War is 'exceedingly complex'.

In other news, leading oceanographers have reported that the ocean is, in their words, 'extremely wet'.