You Might Be a Postmodernist If...

• You blast professional sports for their obsession with linear narrative and objective scoring.
• You treat your various social diseases with lemon peel and green tea that your homeopathic herbalist recommended because western medicine represents an oppressive dictatorial metanarrative.
• When your dick falls off as a result of your untreated social diseases, you claim it's a 'anti-phallocentric discourse on womyn's liberation'.
• 'Showering' is just a metanarrative you won't succumb to.
• You voted for George Bush because, although you would prefer to vote for Democrats on principle, you oppose universal principles.
  
• You deconstruct your vacuum cleaner's instruction manual.
• You suffer a crisis of conscience when you learn that St. Augustine of Hippo was actually born in North Africa and so can't be considered a 'Dead White Male'.
• You support the pygmy tribe's decision to decapitate you because, as the headman earnestly explained, it's traditional in their society.
  
• You damn the annual Santa Claus tropes and the reindeer they rode in on.