Today: At the Tap's 'Top 10 in 2006'

Over-alliterative is not a word in At the Tap's dictionary.

Now, this blog is all about enjoying symmetry and recognizing milestones.

And waffles. We're all about waffles, too. But that's a digression.

This makes At the Tap's 200th post. In honor of that, and in honor of the year gone by, we're going to take Grumps' conceit and submit a retrospective of favorite posts for the year.

(Apparently we're also all about stealing ideas, but we prefer to call it 'leveraging best practices'.)

To Grumps, who can either take credit or responsibility for getting me blogging in the first place.

At the Tap's Top 10 in 2006:

1. Back in April, I got a little mad and ranted about why I'm glad I'm out of style.
2. I wondered what the Cutting Crew was really saying in their single (I Just) Died In Your Arms.
3. Then there's the President's new 'tough on terror' initiative: the STAR Court.
4. My first public service post: You Might Be a Postmodernist If...
5. Back in August, Superman was arrested on immigration charges...
6. Also note: in this day and age, satire is getting much harder.
7. At The Tap noted the high journalistic standards of that 'other paper', the WSJ.
8. Wal-Mart develops its newest brand extension: Sam's Church. Any questions?
9. Peacekeepers for Texas. Whoulda thunkit?
10. And, to round out my favs: Voter Psychology 101.

Overheard

Today I heard an ad on TV: "The National Geographic Channel presents UFOs: Seeing Is Believing. Can 40 million people be wrong?"

The Answer: 62 million people voted for George W. Bush back in '04.

I rest my case.

Sean Connery Officially Older Than Dirt

Scientists have concluded that Sean Connery's transition from 'Sexy Hunk' to 'Leathery Old Man' is complete.

See the magic transition!

2006 Year In Review

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review

You Just Gotta Stand by Your Man

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand

But if you love him please forgive him
Even though he shot someone in the face
And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause that male prostitute is a disgrace

Stand by your man
Give him arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the pages don't return his calls

Stand by your man
Despite the slaughter in Iraq
Even though he no longer runs the Pentagon
Stand by your man

And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause he has to run in Texas

Stand by your man
Give him another phone line to tap
And something warm to come to
After he's busted for bribery

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

(apologies to Patsy Cline)

For Your Viewing Pleasure: The World's Oldest Website

It is (drumroll please):

Symbolics, registered way back on March 15th, 1985. And looks it, too.

via MacUser

Questions I Can't Answer

1. Why is it that extreme right- and left-wingers are equally offensive, but in such dramatically different ways?
2. Why is it that Americans are so worried about losing heavy manufacturing (automotive, industrial, chemical) overseas, but nobody wants it in their backyard?
3. Why is it you rarely hear about moderate or liberal Christians in the media? Don't Unitarians make good copy?
4. Will the global warming debate be decided before or after Miami is underwater?
   
5. When is the phrase 'venal politician' going to be officially declared a redundancy?
6. What, exactly, is the practical difference between a freedom fighter and a terrorist? And while we're on the subject, what's the difference between a looter and a finder?
7. When Bush prays for 'peace on earth, good will toward men', does he include a mental asterisk?
   

Where's COPS When You Need Them?

Here's the arrest I want a film crew at:

Police say a man they pulled over for driving drunk continued to swig his beer during his arrest. When he finally stopped, Allain allegedly continued to drink a 40-ounce bottle of beer, telling officers, "You can charge me with whatever you want. It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."

The Enlightenment Calls a Draw

Los Angeles, CA: The Enlightenment called for a draw in its long battle against Religion today, citing a long-term stalemate with neither side gaining critical mass. The Enlightenment, which began as a 17th-century European intellectual movement favoring empiricism, science, reason and rationality, has long been engaged in an intense 'hearts and minds' competition with the Religious authority of mysticism, spirituality and strict interpretation from the Bible.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment admitted that its victories over Scholasticism, 19th century Evangelicalism, and early Christian fundamentalism were temporary. "You know, I really thought the Scopes Monkey Trial was the clincher. Sure it went two rounds, but Scopes wasn't convicted and the law was eventually struck down."

But that victory was only a temporary setback for strict Creationism and Religion. Recent decades have seen Religion rally a related movement, Intelligent Design. Analysts suggest that despite recent Kansas court cases overturning ID laws, the Enlightenment is looking tired.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment outlined its plan to divide the United States into spheres of control. It claimed the West Cost, and Maryland through New York while ceding all land between the Appalachians and the Rockies. The scheme has ignited a storm of protest from small Mennonite communities located in upstate New York and Quakers in Washington while other communities such as Madison, Wisconsin have drafted plans to physically relocate south of Seattle, WA.

In response, Religion only wiped blood from its nose and said, "I'm just getting started. Bring it on."

If Not Now, When?

Christmas is a time of renewal and new beginnings. The days grow longer and winter starts to fade. In that spirit, maybe it's time to stage a new beginning for yourself.

Smokers - thinking of quitting?
Alcoholics - a new study has shed light on the mechanics of addiction.
And spruce up your financial health - here are five ways to climb out of debt.
Ever thought of going back to school? It's easier than ever...

Good luck, everyone. May the road rise to meet you and may the wind be ever at your back.

Christmas Crimes

Apparently we've moved beyond stealing lawn ornaments.

• An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.
• A motorcycle-riding Santa Claus with a stuffed Rudolph in his sidecar was arrested after allegedly grabbing an 8-year-old girl from outside a South Carolina convenience store. The man was in his Claus outfit filling his bike with gas when the girl's family stopped by the store.
• In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner. "And why Frosty?"
• David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C.
• In Wichita, Kansas, a mother of three came home to find burglars had kicked in her door. They took presents under the tree, turkey for the family's Christmas dinner, TV and computer.
• An Australian soccer player (they call them "footballers") was arrested for causing grievous bodily harm while home for the holidays. The fellow party-goer is still in the hospital with head injuries.
  
• In England, police are investigating the death of a young father who was found beaten up in a street. Ten men, aged between 16 and 22, and a 20-year-old woman were arrested over the murder of Daron Hargreaves, 32, who died after being attacked in Stoke-on-Trent.
  

Christmas Is the Merriest Time of Year

I went to Wal-Mart last night to pick up vodka, but even if I hadn't gone there for alcohol, I'd have bought it by the time I left.

I could describe the condition of store and shoppers, but you can fill in the blanks. Suffice it to say that I got a really dirty look from the cashier when I wished her a "Merry Christmas".

Slob Evolution

Who Am I?

What can I say, I am a virtual parasite. I'm either sifting through garbage, or I'm hunting you down. Hey, I have no problem being a bloodsucker. Neither do my friends, and there's a lot of us out here; more every year. We're becoming a real problem in the Midwest. Not that I care - I'm just trying to get my hooks into you.

Who am I?

* * *

I'm a lamprey!

I'll bet you thought I was making a lawyer, politician or journalist joke, weren't you?

Revealed: President Bush Commits Treason!

Washington DC: In a fast-breaking scandal sure to shake the capital to its very foundations, the administration admitted today that former president George W. Bush has in the pay of the Kremlin for at least the last six years.

George Bush, who abdicated the Presidency and fled the country in a Soviet-era Tupolev transport, denied the allegations.

"We're not sure when he was turned by the Reds", said a shaken Dick Cheney today, "It may have occurred at a fund raiser during his first run for the Texas governorship. On the other hand, a Natasha could have gotten to him during his hedonistic nose candy college days."

President Cheney continued, "My God, how could we have been so blind?"

"All that we know for sure is that his handler, Karl Rovovich, has been carefully guiding him throughout his presidency. In retrospect, it should have been obvious: since taking the Oval Office, Bush has taken every conceivable opportunity to destroy America's moral authority, military reputation and economic might."

"It will take decades to recover from this presidency."

Link Farms Report a Bumper Crop in '06

Wichita, KS: Experts report that link farms have seen explosive growth in 2006. According to some, link farms, whose sole purpose is to derive referral income from internet traffic without actually providing any economic or social benefit, are the fastest growing form of agriculture in the United States.

According to Gary Roehm, manager of one of MegaGo.com's numerous global data centers, said this year will be known as one of the bumper years in link farm history.

"Yep. We got all your good links here. I got your penis enlargers, your free PS3's, your trips and travels and shopping sites. And I got variety in varieties too! Why I've links to eboy, ebayy, ebya and ebbay right here."

Gary paused, then looked out into the distance over the racks of servers, "And one of 'em is even hijacker-free!" He winked. "But ya gotta click on 'em all to find which one it is."

Christmas Just Ain't What It Used To Be

Savanna, GA: Across the nation, America's parents are wondering what has happened to the Christmas spirit. The traditional holiday pleasures of peace, reflection and joyous reunion with family and friends have dissipated amidst the stress of planning gatherings, competition for the year's hot toys, tension at family gatherings and extra workload and overtime.

One southern resident Nancy Bell said with a brittle smile, "Well, I can hardly afford Christmas so I've been working double shifts on Saturdays since the weekend before Thanksgiving. I've not seen my husband more than two nights a week in months, but it'll all be worth it when we get to see Tom & Jenny's faces on Christmas morning!"

A bystander chimed in, "Yeah, it's so hard to know what to get. And when your kids' friends' parents are dropping a grand for presents, you kind of feel obligated to keep up, ya know?"

When 100 random people at areas malls were asked what their most treasured Christmas memories were, the most popular responses were: decorating the Christmas tree, a first kiss under mistletoe, visiting with cousins, and playing cards in front of the tree.

In addition, 14 of the respondents used foul language and knocked down the pollsters as they shouldered by.

"I've been working my butt off to just be able to afford the holiday debt. Isn't that the spirit of Christmas?"

Tell Me Again Why We Were Worried?

Ah: the 1980s, when groups like Twisted Sister were considered a legitimate major social concern. I'm glad we live in simpler times now.

French Military History in a Nutshell

I know you've read it elsewhere, but it's still amusing.

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Ever Met A Man With More Balls Than Brains?

Such a man was recently arrested for, of all things, trying to pass a 'poorly photocopied check' off as the real thing.

Unfortunately, the day he picked for his crime wasn't a good one: dozens of officers were at the suburban Detroit Wal-Mart helping needy children pick out items as part of an annual "Shop with a Cop" charity event.

He had to walk past 40 squad cars to reach the front door. You'd think he could have used the K-Mart across town!

H&M to Launch New Fashion Line: M by Madonna

Retailer H&M (coming soon to Madison, WI) has announced a deeper collaboration with singer Madonna, who will be launching a new line of fashion, "M". From the press release,

"The 'M by Madonna' fashion line will reflect Madonna's timeless, unique and always glamorous style"

I see.

Some Wars End Peacefully

Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC-The new memorial commemorates the thousands laid off during the 'Just For The Taste Of It' campaign.

While veterans from both sides of the Cola War were moved and honored by the new memorial, controversy still remains over Pepsi's decision to drop the Uh-Huh bomb in May 1991.

"They didn't have to do it," said Harvard University history professor Arthur A. Gould. "By all indications, the war would have been over within six months, anyway."

Thanks for the Left-Handed Compliment Blogger

The word verification from my last post:


If I ever have to type in 'usuck', I give up though.

You'll Take Our Burgers When You Pry Them From Our Cold Dead Hands

So. New York has banned trans fats. I'm conflicted about this because, on the one hand I think this is paternalism going too far. On the other hand, I also happen to know how partially hydrogenated vegetable oil is made.

The hydrogenation process involves sparging [it's a filtering process] the oil at high temperature and pressure with hydrogen in the presence of a catalyst, typically a powdered nickel compound.

That's right. Powdered metal is mixed with vegetable oil. Then it's electrocuted. This is what we've been eating.

Makes head cheese sound inviting, doesn't it?

Didn't Voltaire say "I disapprove with what you're eating, but I will defend to the death your right to eat it"?

But what the hell. And, while we're at it, let's crack down on sugar, booze, live entertainment and full contact sports. I'm pretty sure we can manage to squeeze all the fun out of life. But the actuaries and economists will be happy.

Kikkoman Soy Sauce: Now This Is My Kind of Video!

It's a fish-headed superhero!
It's an extremely Japanese anime!
No, it's really kind of weird!

Well no, it's a Kikkoman Soy Sauce advertisement (english subtitles). The video really speaks for itself though.

My favorite part is when the soy sauce gets lucky, personally. You can check out the video here.

Most Read Stories 12/8/06

BBC:
* Condoms 'too big' for Indian men
* Abused woman braves Tanzania's media
* St Paul's tomb unearthed in Rome
* Birth rate 'harms poverty goals'
* UK firms 'exploiting Bangladesh'

New York Times:
# Troubled Children: Off to College Alone, Shadowed by Mental Illness
# Woman’s Best Friend, or Accessory?
# Ouch! My Bag Is Killing Me
# Is Marathoning Too Much of a Good Thing for Your Heart?
# Basics: Vista Is Ready. Are You?

LA Times:
# Manliness is next to godliness
# Speaking frankly about Israel and Palestine
# Hillary's too vane to be president
# Islam gets concessions; infidels get conquered
# Zillow is for sales, not just snooping

Washington Post:
• For Now, an Unofficial Rivalry
• Partial Roof Collapse Injures 16 in Arlington
• Bush Appears Cool to Key Points Of Report on Iraq
• Costly Fleet Update Falters
• Ex-Ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick Dies

There's probably a commentary somewhere in here.

Why Are We Obsessed With Backing Losers?

Seriously.

Bosnia: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government that couldn't stand without us. The Serbs, Bosnians and Croats are just all waiting for 'the West' to leave before starting Act II.

Iraq: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (currently being consumed by sectarian forces) that couldn't stand without us. Except in this case, the Shiites and Sunnis AREN'T waiting for us to leave first.

Afghanistan: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (currently losing in the 'boots on the ground' department to the Taliban) that couldn't stand without us. And the Pashtuns, the nations largest tribal group, are getting tired of waiting for us to leave before re-igniting the civil war.

And let's not forget:

Haiti: militarily and economically supporting a weak central government (not that there's a untied opposition or rebellion, but the government would be overwhelmed by the general disorder of criminal gangs). Our presence keeps the chaos just under the boiling point.

And now we can add:

Somalia: the UN just authorized a military relief operation to - guess what - support a weak central government that really can't stand without help. Actually I'm not sure that it can stand with help. You know, with not having any soldiers, bureaucracy, or public support of its own.

Now, I'm not an isolationist. But as we should have learned in Vietnam, backing a weak, corrupt government, whether or not it's officially "democratic", is a losing proposition when squared against a united opposition that has the support of the majority of the citizenry, plenty of weapons, and (in many cases) the moral high ground.

(People may not completely agree with the civic or religious agenda of the Taleban, Hamas, Hezbollah or Al Queda, but at least they're not drug dealers, breathtakingly corrupt or out raping women and children.)

Somebody, please give me an example where this worked. Sure, it turned out ok with South Korea and Greece back in the Fifties, but in both cases the government was at least considered legitimate by its own citizens, right?

Professor Comes Up With A Way To Divide From Zero

According to the article, a concept that baffled Pythagoras and Newton is 'easy'. According to Doctor Anderson,

The number line stretches all the way from minus infinity to plus infinity in a straight line. The new number, nullity, lies off the number line. I drew it above zero, but it can be drawn anywhere that is not on the line. Its geometry can be understood in the same way that the number i, the square root of minus one, can be understood. All of its algebraic properties can be drawn as pictures in co-ordinate geometry. Some people use j to indicate the square root of minus one.

And this is better than calling it Not A Number? Doctor, I'll let you explain it to my 9th grade math teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

via Slashdot

Greenland Forms CFC Advocacy Board

Nuuk, Greenland - The Greenland territorial government has announced the formation of a marketing and public relations council to advocate the use of 'that most all-around useful chemical, the chlorofluorocarbon'.

According to a spokesman, "We believe that the noble CFC has gotten a bad reputation. This industrial chemical has many useful properties, including semiconductor device fabrication, as refrigerants, solvents, aerosol spray propellants, and fire extinguishing agents. These many uses put CFCs in a class by themselves."

"We acknowledge the concern about CFCs contributing to global warming, but as Bush administration scientists have shown, these beliefs are as yet unproven. And should the use of these chemicals result in a little Greenland ice melting, what's the harm in that? So please - buy products with the CFCAB-certified label."

The Resignation of Ambassador John Bolton

WASHINGTON, Dec. 4 — President Bush reluctantly accepted the resignation of the United Nations ambassador,John R. Bolton, on Monday.

According to the President, “they chose to obstruct his confirmation, even though he enjoys majority support in the Senate, and even though their tactics will disrupt our diplomatic work at a sensitive and important time,” Mr. Bush said. “This stubborn obstructionism ill serves our country, and discourages men and women of talent from serving their nation.”

Mr. Bush went on to say that Bolton deserves the ambassadorship as much as he deserves the Presidency.

Congressional Democrats reportedly agreed 'wholeheartedly'.

But Will It Play In Toledo?

See it?

No?

Well, try this:

Yep. CBS now considers video game playing to be part of the wide (very wide) world of sports. Well, after poker made it I suppose this is the next logical step. Think I'm joking? Click here.

U.S. - British 'Special Relationship' Spat

New York, NY: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan chided the United States and Britain on Friday, saying "I know two nuclear powers that better apologize and start playing together again."

Relations betwen the two nations have been strained since State Department analyst Kendall Myers took a jab at the British government, saying that cooperation had been very 'one-sided'.

On Thursday, Prime Minister Tony Blair reportedly told his cabinet that 'well, if that's the way they feel we can just take the fifth, seventh and fourteenth armored out of Basra and go home' adding that English soldiers had done 'more than their share' in Afghanistan and Bosnia.

In concluding remarks before the UN General Assembly, Secretary Annan said "There there. There there."

For Debt & Honor!

What do you get when you combine minimal education, a 'seize the day' mentality, and combat pay?

A security risk...

New Citizenship Test: Are 295 Million Americans at Risk?

Washington, DC: The US Government unveiled a new citizenship test in a press release yesterday. All US citizens will be required to pass the new assessment, which is designed to measure a person's 'passion' for democracy and the United States.

Some of the new test questions:

• Why does the United States have three branches of government?
• Name two cabinet-level positions
• Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence
• What does the Constitution do?

Experts predict that roughly 98% of the US population will not be able to meet the new requirements for citizenship. The remaining two percent is comprised mainly of Social Studies teachers, CSPAN junkies, and recent immigrants.

Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Defense, "While we here at the DHS empathize with the vast majority of Americans who will soon be deported to their countries of ancestral origin, the new testing process was designed to be standardized, fair and meaningful. It is important that all US citizens share a common heritage and understanding of key concepts, such the rights and responsibilities of citizenship."

Mr. Chertoff continued, "And, er, speaking of which, does anyone have a list of rights available to US citizens?"

Alligator Wrestling, Florida-Style

Who: Florida resident Adrian Apgar

What: Four deputies saved Adrian from a 12-foot alligator after receiving reports that a naked man was being mauled at 4am. Authorities were unclear as to why Mr. Apgar was naked, wrestling with an alligator at four in the morning, speculated that it might be related to his crack cocaine habit.

When: Today.

What We Don't Know: The initial reactions of the police at the scene. I think it was either:
1. "Oh my God!"
2. "Oh, shit."
3. "Nuts! My shift was up in 30 minutes."

Favorite Quote: "He admitted that he'd been smoking crack cocaine. But still, it's a human life. Our deputies don't ask questions, they respond and they save people."

But Isn't It Obvious?

The US Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the meaning of 'obvious'. In the field of patent law, an innovation must not only be novel and useful but not obvious to a person of 'ordinary skill in the field'. This is apparently the most important patent case in decades!

And you thought patent law wasn't riveting?

Wait'll the companies start sparring over the meaning of ordinary.

Mayor Calls 50 Shots By The Police "Unacceptable"

New York, NY: Mayor Michael Bloomberg said in a meeting today with civic and religious leaders that the fatal police shooting of an unarmed black man in Queens was “inexplicable” and “unacceptable".

"Fifty shots to kill an unarmed black man? WE will have a full and complete investigation of all event surrounding this matter. There should have been at least 18 shots per officer. That was the standard we set back in 1999, dammit, and I won't see expectations fall on my watch."

Nobody Notices Protestor Burning Self Alive

Who: Malachi Ritscher, experimental musician and anti-war protester. (That's Mal on the left.)

What: Malachi set himself on fire as a statement against America's foreign policy, right before the midterm elections. Unfortunately, nobody noticed.

When: November 3rd.

Where: Near an off-ramp in downtown Chicago. (Probably near rush hour.)

What We Don't Know: Which is worse - smelling your own fat frying or knowing that it won't even make Page 3 in the Local section?

You know, self-immolation isn't for me but if it was I'd definitely work the communication end a little bit more. If a tree is burned alive in the forest but nobody sees it, does it scream in agony?

"Black Friday" Holiday Traditions

Americans are not the most tradition-bound people. I think that's why we tend to go overboard celebrating the traditions that survive. Whether it's the increasing number of tryptophan-induced comas or the Santa displays now visible from space, we are often guilty of 'trying too hard'. And so, we here At the Tap find it necessary to publish a list of 'Don'ts' for another popular holiday tradition - shopping on Black Friday.

Without further ado:
10. For the record, ‘shopping’ on Black Friday refers to clothes, electronics, etc. Not grocery shopping.
9. Although a definite time-saver, a urine bottle is not an appropriate accessory. 8. As a corollary to the rule above, when lavatories and restroom facilities are offered, they are intended as the only spaces for certain bodily functions. Potted plants, secluded corners and circular racks of clothing are strictly off-limits.
7. Mall regulations frequently restrict or prohibit the use of Segways within or between shops. Check before you go.
6. The same goes for motorcycles, mopeds and ATVs. Only more so.
5. Despite the popularity of the traditional song, even on Black Friday a shave and a haircut isn't 'two bits'.
4. If a fellow shopper describes a sale as being 'to die for', it isn't an invitation and it really isn’t meant to be taken literally.
3. Borrowing your 81-year old disabled grandmother’s Olds to snag a good parking spot is just plain wrong.
2. Resorting to armed robbery to get that 'must have' Christmas gift is inappropriate, even if it IS a Playstation 3.
1. And (from America's retailers) - don't take a shopping list, just take two carts.

How To Spot A Terrorist

• 
  Can you answer yes to the following questions?
  

  Can you pick out a terrorist in a crowded McDonalds™?
  Do you want to know how to identify terrorists in your neighborhood?
  Do you want to know the skills that have made some American citizens the #2 terrorist spotters* in the world?

  If not, you may need the Terrorist Identification Kit!
  
  Includes:
  Amazingly Accurate Skin Color Identification Chart™ ,
  Proprietary double verification technology using Terror-Vision™ Glasses
  Mild sedation products like Faizul's Good Night™ Hummus.
  
  Never leave home without it!

Thanksgiving Day Post

I would like to give thanks on this day of days.

I am grateful for having a president that makes the bum on the corner seem like a well-adjusted, rational and sympathetic individual. I'd also like to thank the Democrats, specifically Nancy Pelosi, who are already turning on each other like rabid dogs. While I'm at it, I'd like to thank all of the political admakers and pollsters for flooding my television and computer with evil. Election '06 simply wouldn't have been the same if I didn't have to choose between the Pedophiliac Serial Rapist and the Racist, Drug-Addicted Thief.

I'm particularly thankful for hypocritical bastards like Ted Haggard and Mark Foley. We need assholes like you undermining people's faith in the only institutions dedicated to the public good. Before you're done, the only honest American institutions will be strip clubs & massage parlors. Thanks!

While I'm at it, I'm also grateful to the partisans that are attacking the whistle-blowing pages and that male prostitute who reported Pastor Ted's drug-and-gay sex habit to the press. Keep sending those death threats!

And of course, where would we be without train wrecks like Brittany Spears, Tom Cruise or Paris Hilton? I'm grateful to you filth-grubbing stars out there; without you, the American people might have a sense of class. At the very least, they'd need to start living their own lives for a change.

And let's face it: I'm really grateful for the American people. In our obsession with material possessions, in our political apathy, in our shortsighted need to borrow from the future to fill the present with filth and garbage - these are the things that make us great. Keep watching TMZ! And start a riot over some Playstation 3s! Attack evolution, foreigners, free trade and everything else you don't understand! We thank you.

But. While I give thanks for all of this, I am really grateful for one thing above all else. Because despite all the wrongheadedness in America today, I'm thankful that I live here because there's still liberty and valor in this, the home of the brave and the free. I am grateful that I have the freedom to say what I do and believe what I believe. I truly give thanks that I have family and friends who care for me, and that I have family and friends to care for. I'm grateful that there is a future, and that we yet have the freedom to act to make it better.

For all of this, I do give thanks.

The Immigration Debate: The Indians Are Coming!

Check out this story in the Washington Post.

Sure, Indian immigrants in the Washington DC area have a $87,369 median income.
And they're helping to prop up the housing market by snapping up big, expensive houses.
Of course, they're also one of the most educated demographics in America.
And they've even formed associations to get people involved in society and politics.

But balance this against the insidious spread of curry. You've been warned.

Racists Everywhere Applaud Seinfeld's "Kramer"

Atlanta, GA: Members of the KKK's Grand Konclave released a statement today applauding Michael Richard's 'strong stand for traditional American beliefs'. Richards, better known as TV show Seinfeld's "Kramer" recently loose an expletive-laced tirade against blacks at LA club The Laugh Factory. Audience members were said to have been 'surprised' at the outburst.




Representatives from LA's two largest African-American associations, the "Crips" and the "Bloods" said they were 'intrigued' by Richards' remarks and wished to discuss them further in a more private venue. As one member said, "We'll be looking for you, cracker."

Letters from Camp

Hello Pam!

It feels really strange to be writing to you this way, but I don't have email way out here, and cell phones aren't allowed, for obvious reasons. I hope you're doing well and, so I don't forget, please give my love to the family.

I'm really starting to settle in here, and it's great to get away from the stress and tension of the office. You know, I've been working way to hard over the last few years, and I'm really looking at this as more of a sabbatical. You know: a way to catch up on sleep and gain a new perspective on life.

I've been fortunate that my bunkmate has taken me under his wing. Ted's a great guy, and a 'big man' on the block. He's shown me around the exercise field and given me a few tips on 'lunchroom etiquette'. Needles to say I certainly won't jump in line!

I'm even getting used to the (quite strict) dress code around here. I'm 'lobbying' for a better job around here, but I'm not sure how that'll pan out.

Well, I've got to be running along now. It's lights out time, and Ted gets grumpy if I break curfew. I'll see you soon-

Jack Abramoff
Prisoner #007-5189k
Cumberland Prison, Maryland

Cop Tasers Himself (YouTube)

Somewhere, there's a goth teen or a drunk frat boy with a voodoo doll saying "Damn! It WORKS!"

Conservative Canadians: Myth or Legend? The Gay Marriage Debate

Ottawa, Canada - Citizens were stunned recently when they realized that there are conservative Christians in Canada. Political trends have generally veered to the left in this decentralized, anti-authoritarian democracy but, recently, groups of hitherto-unknown right-wing Evangelicals & Catholics have organized rallies and prayer vigils against the 'godless' 2005 Gay Marriage bill.

According to one amazed British Columbian, "This is astounding! Conservative Christians? In Canada? But we've had socialized medicine and legalized marijuana for years! Eh?"

According to Charles McVety, leader of several evangelical Canadian groups, religious conservatives in Canada have several specific goals:

• eliminating all birth control options, including 'pulling out',
  
• banning abortion except for cases when the daughter of a prominent political leader is knocked up,
  
• construction of dozens of new federal and state prisons,
• filling said prisons with drug offenders snared under tough new anti-drug laws.

Even the faithful have been surprised by the fact that religious conservatives comprise a tangible voting bloc in public polls. "Ever since 1988, when the anti-abortion bill failed, I didn't think there were any god-fearing voters left. If we can be successful in rescinding this law, just think of what we can accomplish!"

Trent Lott, Minority Whip: Out with the old, in with the ... old

Today a Lott spokesman proclaimed: "In the recent mid-term elections, voters demanded a change, an end of to the recent scandals. The days of bribery and sexual perversion are behind us. The days of bigotry and pork barrell politics are ahead."

Bush Visits Vietnam: "Irony? What irony?"

"We'll never win if we give up"

Top 10 Things Not to Do With Your Data

Taken from this story, and others.

1. Do not leave fruit directly on top of important computer components. If you do, do not under any circumstances let rot and ooze into the circuits.
2. If you need any data that is on your hard drive, do not reformat the hard drive. Especially 10 times.
3. Do not take flash drives for a swim. Ever.
4. While WD-40 has remarkable lubricating properties, it is not designed to be used inside squeaking computer components.
5. Although it may be perfectly sized, a computer hard drive is not intended for use as a beverage coaster.
6. When using a laptop in a moving helicopter, do not drop the laptop.
7. In the same vein, do not drive over computer components 'accidentally' with a motor vehicle.
8. Do not pour water on the computer. For that matter, try not pouring anything on the computer.
9. When sending in your hard drive for repair, do not wrap it in used socks. They don't provide enough protection during shipment.
10. Unlike other home appliances, computers generally do not work better after you've given them a 'good thumping'.

Election '06: Voter Psychology 101

Or, Why Republicans Lost the Vote in 2006

Cognitive Dissonance: the perception of incompatibility between two thoughts or beliefs. "Since Republicans stand for national security, why don't I feel safer? I'm voting Democrat!"

Transference: a phenomenon in psychology characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings of one person to another. "Our economy sucks - and so does George Bush! I'm voting Democrat!"

Phallic Stage: the third of Freud's psychosexual stages, when awareness of and manipulation of... ah, never mind. " ... Um, I'm just going to vote Democrat!"

Reaction Formation: a defense mechanism in which unacceptable emotions are replaced by their direct opposites. "I wish I was one of Mark Foley's pages. Wait - I mean I'm glad I wasn't. Er, I'm voting Democrat!"

Buyer's Remorse: regretting a purchase after the fact. "I voted for Bush and now the factory's closed, Jimmy's in Iraq and my dog up and died on me. I'm voting Democrat!"

Halo Effect: The tendency of one person's positive or negative traits to spill over to other people. "I saw Mark Green standing next to George Bush and I hate George Bush. I'm voting Democrat!"

Rosy Retrospection: refers to the finding that subjects later rate past events more positively than they had actually rated them when the event occurred. "You know, the Clinton years were really great. I'm voting Democrat!"

Logical Consequence: the relation that holds between a set of or propositions and another proposition when the latter "follows from" the former. "Republicans are hypocrites. Hypocrites are bad. Republicans are bad. I'm voting Democrat!"

Apophenia: the experience of seeing patterns or connections in random or meaningless data. "Iran's developing nuclear weapons. A South Korean was elected to lead the UN. And George Bush is scheduled to visit Vietnam! My God it's a conspiracy to turn our atomic secrets over to our enemies. I'm voting Democrat!"

Valence Effect: the tendency for people to overestimate the likelihood of good things happening rather than bad things. "If I vote blue, the world will change! I'm voting Democrat!"