Is This What Passes for a Love Song Nowadays?

"Bedroom Talk", by The Starting Line

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just tonight

Marvin Gaye it ain't.

If NORAD Tracks Santa, Did This Website Cost 20 Billion Dollars?

From those nice folks at the DOD...err Google I think.

NORAD tracks Santa.

The Best Commercial - EVER

Ride of the Valkyries - nice.

Oh, this is extremely NSFW.  I wouldn't watch it while your wife is around, either.

Link:

I Guess You Have to Go Where The Customers Are

The following is part of an ad for a new whiskey called "The Knot".  Let's play "Which One of These Things Is Not Like The Other":

Since the Knot is imported by a New York company (straight from those kind folks in Ireland), I imagine that they're currently selling only within their own distribution network.  And Wisconsin.

I'm not sure what that says about the state of Wisconsin, but it's got to mean something.

By the way, it's a damn good whiskey, if you happen to like damn good whiskeys.

Do You Suffer From Autonomous Brain Disorder?

Do you ever...

• intend to innocently greet your child's attractive new schoolteacher and end up with a lawsuit?
  
• walk into your kitchen to do the dishes and end up making lasagna?
• find yourself buying a 'work at home' kit from a 'reputable online dealer'?
• suffer from spells, fits, tremors, lackadaisicalness or the vapors?

If so, you may have Autonomous Brain Disorder (ABD).  Your brain is making decisions while your mind wanders. You're not alone: studies sponsored by the NOW Institute for Retributive Medicine indicate that over 95% of straight men have this condition.

But there is hope.  Never fear - your days of lurking in dark corners with your hands clapped over your mouth are over!  Doctor Synthia Starke of Berkeley has developed a pioneering new treatment that offers hope for the billions afflicted with this diease.  Clinical trials are open currently!

Is It Me?

Is it me, or does any else think Richardson should have State and Hillary, Commerce?

Is That A Liver Spot?

I'm closing in on 30...
I've grown a beard...
My hairline is a little further north than I remember...
I've been having this nagging problem with my right shoulder...

Somebody, get me a goddamn wheelchair!

Isn't That An Oxymoron?

From BBC.com:

"New Stone Age Artefacts Unearthed"

. . .

Erruh?

The Unkindest Cut of All

So I'm growing a beard and I'm getting the (expected) ribbing at work.  For the most part it doesn't bother me.  Ask me what the heck is on by face or if I forgot my razor and I'm ok.  Ask me if I've got some tree moss, or if I need to get a cat (don't ask-I still don't get that one myself) and it rolls right off my back.

The only one that really gets to me is the person who says "Look at that little beard you got going on there. How cute!"

That one, I'll admit, stings.

Why You Want to Play Nintendogs and Lemmings

Elijah Commings Is No Chump

If all congressional hearings were this interesting, I'd watch CSpan more often!

My New Blog - A Local Food Directory

A few months ago, I read a book called The Omnivore's Dilemma and I've since gotten very interested in the local food movement.  Family farmers, often organic, local foods.

In fact, I got so motivated, I decided to look for local farmers and growers in the area - and was surprised by what I found.  I decided to start a blog featuring local farmers and area farmer's markets.

Looking for local and/or organic foods in the Rock River Valley (Winnebago and Rock Counties)? Check out my newest blog: Local Food in Northern Illinois.

Now Where Did I Put That Hammer?

From FOXNews.com: 

A spacewalking astronaut accidentally let go of her tool bag Tuesday after a grease gun inside it exploded, and helplessly watched as the tote and everything inside floated away.

I've got to empathize with the astronaut, a lady with the improbably long name of Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper.  I suspect that she's not being totally honest with the story, however; according to her press conference, her response was a mumbled "Oh, great".

At least, I probably would have conveyed my frustration differently.

Later in the spacewalk, a screwdriver floated by in full view of the entire team.

Thoughts on Boston

Or, perhaps more appropriately "Thawts on Bawston":

• Everyone here seems thinner than folks back home. Personally, I think the fact that walking is much easier than driving in the city encourages folks to get more exercise.
• I'm not sure if coffee shops outnumber bank branches but it's damn close either way. Then again, I am in Boston's finanical district.
• There is nothing like getting pleasantly drunk in an Irish pub, and there can't be much closer to a real Irish pub than the Black Rose downtown.
• I find that I most enjoy exploring a city during the early morning hours, when it's just you, the drunks, joggers and bums. And the occasional drunk, jogging bum.

Who The Hell Assumes "Tibor" Is A Woman's Name?

A multinational advertising company conducted a 'team-building' offsite with executives from regional subsidiaries around the globe. However, upon arriving at the designated hotel in Ontario several female Japanese employees discovered that they were scheduled to share rooms with male German representatives.

Apparently the planners, who (surprise!) were American mistakenly thought that names like "Jens" and "Tibor" were women's names.

Tibor?

I mean, seriously, Tibor?

(Tibor)

George Carlin on Presidential Politics: Watch Out Barack!

Well.  So I was a Barack supporter and I'm happy that he won.

However.  I do have some concerns.

The immortal words of George Carlin:

"You're going to have one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much! You'll enjoy yourselves; it'll be a lot of fun. I'm sure that as soon as the election is over, your country will improve immediately." [emphasis mine]

Just have patience people! 

Definition of the Day: Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance (psych): an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously, for example: when you're listening to NPR and Metallica's Master of Puppets starts playing.

I happened to be looking across the highway and I'm pretty sure that about 1 in 20 cars swerved slightly as their drivers **winced**

Yes, But I'm SAVING 30%!

Check out this article from the New York Times. Apparently now that the global economy is melting down, a six-figure fashion spree like Palin's is considered...gauche.

Nope, now the word of the day is 'recessionista':  someone who splurges ... less ... on fashionable clothing and accessories.

Style.com described the recessinista as "a plucky heroine able to fixate on designer logos even at a time when her house might face foreclosure". [Emphasis mine.]

Sorry honey: I don't care how stylish you are, sleeping in an Accord ain't glamorous.

Why, back in my day we didn't have all this 'gangs and guns' nonsense!  We didn't have drive-by shootings; we had drive by masses!

And we still had to walk uphill in the snow - both ways.  Harrrumph.

Thanks National Geographic.

Seriously, I Just Read It For The Articles

Ok, so I had a doctor's appointment today (nothing major; annual checkup). And as I'm on the road, I mentally put together a blog post about whether a waiting room with decent magazines (such as National Geographic, The Economist and Atlantic Monthly) existed.

Then I get there and find copies of National Geographic, Fortune and US News & World Report sitting on a side table.  

What's worse is that I ended up picking up a copy of Better Homes and Gardens because I'm thinking of putting in a copper backsplash in my kitchen.

*splack*

That's the sound of someone smacking their forehead with the palm of their hand.

An Olie and Lena Joke

For their 50th wedding anniversary, Lena gave Olie a hammer.

"What's this for?" asked Olie.

Lena replied, "Fifty years of bad sex."

Olie gave Lena her present. Unwrapping it, Lena found a frying pan.

"What's this for? asked Lena.

"Knowing the difference", said Olie.

Want more Olie and Lena jokes? Check out my new site Olie and Lena Jokes - a new joke every day!

This Is What Happens When You Pay the TSA Minimum Wage

As in all things, you get what you pay for:

"As a screener at Newark Liberty International Airport, Pythias Brown was supposed to keep deadly objects off airplanes. But for the past year, authorities allege, Brown has been swiping electronic equipment from luggage of the passengers he was supposed to protect..."

With a name like "Pythias", I'm surprised he didn't see this coming.  (PS - I'll Paypal anyone who gets the irony in that joke five bucks.)

Oh, and do you know what TSA stands for?

Thousands,

Stealing

Assets

Does That Mean 'A Woman's Place' Is Barefoot and Pregnant in the Oval Office?

From a NYTimes story on Sarah Palin:

“They bear us children, they risk their lives to give us birth, so maybe it’s time we let a woman lead us,” said Larry Hawkins, a former truck driver...

Huh.  I wouldn't have thought it possible to be condescending toward women and pro-feminist in the same sentence.

It's kind of like watching a chimp realize that nothing happens if it presses the blue or the red buttons but if it presses the yellow button, bananas drop from the ceiling, isn't it?

Maybe this is the definition of 'coversative feminism'?

The Two Best Lines I've Had Recently

We've all had different experiences at work. But for those of you who have experience with big business, these stories are for you.

...

I was talking to an engineer who was troubleshooting a new software package. Lou looked up from his monitor and told me that he'd already fixed all of the bugs that he'd found. I smiled and said "That's great!"

I continued, "Unfortunately, it's not the bears that I can see that worry me - it's the bears I can't."

...

A few days later, I stopped by to talk to one of our mechanics who was bolting some angle iron to the floor as a backstop for forklift parking. He suggested painting the angle iron yellow so that the technicians would see it.

I nodded thoughtfully and said "That makes sense. Let's do it anyway."

Talk About the In-laws from Hell!

From National Geographic, an article on the European Bee-Eater:

"Parents butt into their son's business, begging for the courtship treat or barging in between the mated pair. If that didn't work, a parent might block the entrance to the son's burrow, preventing the female from entering to lay her eggs. After a while some sons succumbed to the pressure, abandoning their own breeding efforts..."

And you thought your in-laws were bad!

Please, Check Your Priorities at the Door

Taken from the "Letters" section of the October issue of National Geographic:

It has always troubled me how little, if any, attention is given to the possibility that Stonehenge might be a sports complex...Could Stonehenge be the site of a prehistoric World Series and the dozens of other prehistoric stone circles the arenas of locals teams in a prehistoric bush league? P.O. Abbott, Pueblo Colorado

Ok, so who the hell is 'troubled' by the possibility that the sporting capabilities of a neolithic circle of rocks has been overlooked by the modern archaeological community? Either a) P.O. Abbott is speaking with a little too much hyperbole, or b) Mr. Abbott really needs to evaluate what he considers important.

Or he's bat-shit nuts.

I Like My Mixed Messages Shaken, Not Stirred

In my opinion, they really should have put the Back to School Candy display next to a rack of malt liquor or, at least, Boone's Farm if the store really wanted to increase sales.

You Say Tomato, I Say ... Potato?

All of us have different histories and experiences. This can lead to two people looking at the same situation with vastly different ideas of what is going on. Generally, this remains hidden. However, occasionally we are reminded of this perceptual gulf.

Situation #1:

HER: (eating a salad)

ME: You know, I like to throw a fresh basil leaf in my salads.

HER: Oh, I don't think I could do that. Eating a whole leaf just sounds too weird.

ME: But...you're eating a salad.

HER: So?

ME: Uh...never mind.

Situation #2:

HER: (of a certain age) I don't understand why 60 Minutes can't start at the same time all year long. It seems like the show starts late every other week in the fall.

ME: But what happens if a football game runs long?

HER: Football game?

ME: Uh...never mind.

Situation #3:

HIM: You know, I think he should have tried running for the first down.

ME: Why?

HIM: Well, he made a couple of other good runs with his legs.

ME: As opposed to his... ?

HIM: What?

ME: Uh...never mind.

I'm Still Alive

If you don't swim in the same circles I do, imagine if HAL had a decent singing voice (and my bet is that he'd have a pretty good baritone). The result would be the ditty below.

It's pretty catchy too.

Fed Rescues AIG

On Tuesday, the US Federal Reserve bailed out mortgage giant AIG by taking over the company. To do so, the government agreed to an $85 billion price tag.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi reacted sharply, saying the debt was "just too enormous for the American people to guarantee".

Ach - it's not so much.

We've already spent $100 billion in Iraq this year.

That's like buying a Lexus and then balking when your spouse says 'honey, we need a new washing machine'.

Sometimes Life Doesn't Imitate Art

Thanks heavens, er, it's over.

And Here I Was Worried About a Scam

I just received an email from a Ms. Claudia Coulter from the Fondazione Di Vittorio (in English: "Winner's Foundation", or maybe "Victor's Redbrick Palace"). Apparently I am the winner of $300,000 (in English: "Three Hundred Thousands dollar". Woo hoo!

. . .

Uh oh. I just did a Google search for Fondazione Di Vittorio, and consumerfraudreporting.com has a story on a scam from this group. This may not be legit!

. . .

Oh, wait. According to the web page, the scam involves emails sent by a Mr. Sparo Malcolm.

Whew - my email is from the Ms. (obviously trustworthy) Claudia Coulter. I'm in the clear. I'll see you shortly, $300,000 richer!

Beware the Flying Cholitas!

The newest sensation in the world of Bolivian lucha libre (think "high-flying masked wrestlers in scripted matches") is cholita wrestling (think "young ladies in peasant skirts, bowler hats and shawls). Cholita lucha libre may seem like a contradiction in terms. I assure you it is not, and it is becoming quite popular.

From a National Geographic article on the subject:

Why go?

"It's a distraction." [explains Senora Cancina] "The cholitas fight here and we laugh and forget our troulbes for three or four hours. At home, we're sad."

Would you have liked to be a wrestler too?

Definitely. "Our husbands make fools of us, but if we were wrestlers we could express our fury."

Somewhere in a suburb of La Paz there is a husband that's wearing a frying pan right now, I'm sure of it.

Do You Think He'll Pitch Enzyte Behind Bars?

Remember Smilin' Bob, the spokesperson for the 'male enhancement' drug Enzyte?

Of course you do:


Apparently his "smilin'" days are over. Steven Washak, the CEO of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, was just convicted of conspiracy and other charges related to selling bogus products.

Among the company's most egregious offenses, Berkeley's "if you're not satisfied, return it for a full refund" required a Notarized statement from a doctor certifying that the consumer had a small penis.

Remarkably, few buyers availed themselves of the cashback offer.

Ray Bradbury - 88 and Going Strong

Born August 22, 1920. One of the giants. Good show, Ray.

Stand and Deliver

One of the most beautiful August Sundays seen in these parts. Did you enjoy it?

What a Rack!

It's my Dad's - since been mounted and hanging on the wall at the family homestead.

For those of you who subscribe to my blog via RSS: GOTCHA!

Maybe I'll Just Use Parsley

I do most of my grocery shopping on the way home from work. It's convenient and keeps me from making an extra trip. However, I've noticed that I tend to run lots of small errands on the weekend. In order to help manage my gasoline and grocery bills, I've decided to run errands on the weekend on my bike whenever possible.

Since the nearest grocery store is 6 miles away, I think this will really cut down on unnecessary expenses.

"Cilantro? Maybe I'll just use parsley..."

Lis Friemoth, The Garden Hoe, Can Help You!

Just in case you think I'm making this up. Note the text highlighted below.



Maybe it's me.

When In Doubt, Grab Your Shotgun

Because you never know: hordes of undead may be stalking you right now without you even knowing it.

And an ounce of preparation is worth a LOT of shells.

Political Commentary by YT

Handicapping the Presidential Sweepstakes:

Obama. I hear he's black. No, really! It says something about the sea change in America's political culture when we're more concerned with the religious orientation of a candidate's antecedents than with their race or place of birth. I'm sure this is a sign of progress. Obama doesn't strike me as a particularly strong candidate right now, mainly because I haven't seen a tremendous amount of substance or experience. On the other hand, he's shown unexpected resilience thus far, he's high on the likeability quotient, and Obama emotes Hope and Vision. And he's got really white teeth. I think his candidacy will only get stronger in time.

McCain. The GOP hates Johnny. What else can explain it? The party finally lets McCain have the nomination when the economy is drifting south, we're trapped in some nasty foreign adventures and food and energy prices are through the roof. And it's all under the watch of the least-liked Republican president since...ever? But they needed some goat to stake out for the lions.

Unfortunately, his most effective campaign strategy is that of a reformer but you can't really run as the reform candidate against your own party's president. I think he attacks Obama at his own great risk as well.

Do you hate those 'Obama is a rockstar' commercials as much as I do? The Republicans are really saying 'Hey, we know Obama is popular. Everyone seems to like the guy. You people are idiots.' Having the octogeniarian political candidate kick the voters' favorite puppy isn't exactly going to win you many votes come election day.

As an aside: The Clintons must be ready to eat their own livers right now. If Hillary hadn't run the worst major Democratic election campaign since Dukakis, she might well have the nomination and be the odds-on favorite to win the presidency.

A Seven Letter Word For Moron

Ever watch Jeopardy and dominate the contestants only to realize at the end that you've been watching the Teen Tournament?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Nuts!


...

Some Things Can Be Taken For Granted

An American tourist is brutally attacked and murdered at a noted Chinese destination, the Drum Tower.

An American couple is visiting China to see the Olympics. The Husband hears of the attack and chooses not to tell his wife in order not to "worry her".

The Wife hears of the killing while visiting the Drum Tower during a BBC interview. She also learns that Husband already knew of the attacks, as well as separate terrorist bombings in the northwest.

The Husband isn't mentioned in the interview. Presumably, he's preparing to die as soon as the reporters are out of earshot.

Well I Guess They Had to Go With What Works

Game design at Microsoft.
Ads by Google.

Take the Challenge!

Find a meadow, preferably one that's at least an acre in size. Not sure where to find one? Idle housing projects are a good place to look.

Look for something like this:













Once you've found your meadow, stand on the downwind edge. Take out the Ipod earbuds. Listen. Take a few deep breaths.

Next, find yourself a really big lawn. Completed housing projects are a good place to look. Stand on the downwind edge of your chosen lawn and repeat.

You tell me which spread is beautiful and alive, and which one is sterile monoculture.

Would You Pair Red or White With That?

When I was growing up, I remember seeing ads for my favorite jackals, Habush, Habush and Davis.

Later, the advertisements were for Habush, Habush, Davis and Rottier.

Later yet, the spots simply named Habush, Habush and Rottier - and so it stands today.

...

So, what happened to Davis?

Personally, I think Rottier ate him.

What are the Odds?

First, what are the odds of any single person being featured on an episode of Maury Povich?

On the other hand, given that a person was named after Maury Povich (hi Kamaury), what are the odds that their home life would lead them to be featured on an episode of Maury Povich?

At a certain point, some things become inevitable.

Quote of the Week

"I don't get it! Half the damn midwest is underwater and people won't stop buying Doritos."

Did Mario and Luigi Work for Scale?

In the Japanese version of Midway, do you shoot down countless hordes of American fighter planes?

If Supermariokart were to be made today, would there be an airbag requirement?

If Ubisoft released Prince of Persia today, would it violate the Patriot Act?

Madden '94: would we have stopped it back then?

Is Grand Theft Auto any worse than Death Race?

Did George W Bush played too much Axis & Allies back in college? Me, I think he was more of a Risk fan.

It's Official: Americans Make No Sense

According to a recent Pew Survey (courtesy of NYTimes), Americans apparently believe in everything.

"The new report sheds light on the beliefs of the unaffiliated. Like the overwhelming majority of Americans, 70 percent of the unaffiliated said they believed in God, including one of every five people who identified themselves as atheist and more than half of those who identified as agnostic.

American beliefs:

• The Gulf War wasn't about oil,
  
• No Child Left Behind is really about the children,
• We can protect the environment without raising taxes or altering our lifestyle,
  
• and 20% of atheists believe in God.

No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're nuts.

Ah those hallowed tunes of yore!

What Would God Make If He Were a 13 Year Old Boy?

Spore is a game being developed by the folks who brought us Sim City. In the game, you build a civilization from the bottom up - literally. From unicellular beginnings in a world sea, the gamer creates life that can eventually spread across the universe. It can even meet other intelligent life.

That's the interesting part. You really do 'design' the organisms under your command. Each copy of the game will anonymously send your creatures to a database located on the internet, which will then populate other games. Similarly, the creatures created by other gamers will eventually feed into your game.

Which, of course, brings me to my main question: if a 13 year old boy were endowed with the ability to make creatures in whatever image he desired, what form would they take? Since, to my knowledge, you can't design a 'gun creature', there is only one possibility. Namely,



...




...


Note, this may be NSFW..



...



...



...

Well, I'd heard that the military had lowered their standards...

Ok. Is this some clever play on words that I'm simply too dense to see or has the Air Force confused 'site' with 'sight'?

I think I'd hire a Private Dectective

From a Fox News story about a pair of brutal murders:

An official investigating the double murder of two young girls in Oklahoma said
Tuesday the "shooter wanted these girls dead"

Our 'official' Stan Florence works for the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. With analytical chops like this, I'm sure the FBI will shortly be beating a path to his door.

But wait - Stan the Man isn't done:

"There's obviously an issue here where the shooter wanted these girls dead and certainly carried that to its fullest extent"

Huh. Well, I'm glad they ruled out the possibility that the brutal double killing was accidental.

Now That's What I Call a Trojan Horse!

Baffling non sequiter or sneaky viral marketing campaign?

You make the call!

Are We Go For Launch?

Hey - weren't we going to Mars, or something?

You Might Be a Freegan If...

10. You boast about the amazing set of candlesticks that somebody just threw away.
9. You do most of your grocery shopping behind Safeway.
8. Your living room is furnished with items originally tagged 'free - haul away at own expense'.
7. When you offer to bring a dish to pass, friends and relatives tell you hastily "no, no - just yourself is fine".
6. You surreptitiously sort your neighbors' garbage into 'recycle', 'non-recycle', and 'Christmas presents'.
5. You claim that hand-knit socks are really the way to go.
4. Hot water is only for special occasions.
3. Your definition of "living" is cracking open a slightly used 11-pack of Sam's Club soda.
2. Car? What stinking car? You gots the bus, man!
1. "Extreme consumerism" is a contact sport.

...

And please, don't think I'm making this up. See here, and here. Is anyone surprised that this movement started in San Francisco?

Public Construction - Done Right

From A History of the World in 6 Glasses:

"The workers who built the pyramids were paid in beer, according to records found at a nearby town where the construction workers at and slept. The records indicate that at the time of the pyramids' construction, around 2500 BCE , the standard ration for a laborer was three or four loaves of bread and two jugs containing about eight pints of beer..."

Ok. 4,500 years ago state workers created stone monuments that have lasted for the ages. And according to the historical records, they were drunken state workers at that.

Am I missing something here? How is it that the pharaohs were better at public works than we are?

What Would You Do If You Found a Woman Living In Your Closet

Yes. Living in your closet.

Where? Where else: Japan.

"Officers rushed to the house and found a 58-year-old unemployed woman hiding in an unused closet, where she had secreted a mattress and plastic drink bottles"

Well color me wtf???

Inflation Relief at Hand!

According to recent US government figures, inflation was only .2% in the month of April, and 'non-core' inflation (inflation minus those pesky food and energy bills) rose only .1% . Of course, food jumped a large .9%, which is the largest jump in 18 years.

According to a senior economist, “This is a fine inflation report if you don’t need to eat, drive or depend on your paycheck”.

Well, that's a relief. No need to worry folks, nothing to see here.

Have You Seen That New Romantic Comedy, "The Shining"?

It sure looks great!

Real Players Do It Passively

Check out PMOG (Passive Multiplayer Online Game).

Recipe:
-a dash of roleplaying
-a pinch of whimsy
-a touch of free time
-a lot of fun!

It's a game that you can play whenever you're online, regardless of what you're doing.

How does it work? By surfing the web, that's how!

You have to rack up points to buy mines and all the other stuff that makes the site fun. Every unique domain that you visit gives you two points, so you get points just from surfing the web. You can also give gifts of mines and other tools to others by leaving “crates” around...

Gathering points and completing missions leads you to higher levels, where you eventually choose a character type. There are six characters in all - two are “chaotic” and leave a lot of mines and portals. The rest follow the “torch of order” and focus on protecting others or creating useful missions.

One note - you do need to use the Firefox web browser (another great reason to switch).

Maybe It Would Be Quicker to List Things OLDER Than John McCain?

Visit www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com.

What are some things younger than John McCain?

• Alaska (as a state)
• The Polio Vaccine
• AARP
• Israel
• Spam

Yes, that's right. John McCain predates spam. It's actually a lot of fun, when you start playing!

Bob, Is That Your Hip Or Are You Happy To See Me?

Good Lord. According to an nytimes article, a new style of ceramic hip that came into vogue after 2003 is prone to squeaking.

How bad is it?

“It can interrupt sex when my wife starts laughing,” said one man, who discussed the matter on the condition that he not be named.

That's pretty bad.


.

The Murderous Record of Cosmetics

According to a Science News article, multitasking while driving can be hazardous to your health. Apparently, the brain can only do so much, and even relatively minor distractions can divert 'mental muscle' away from the wheel.

According to the article:

This finding suggests that people who combine relatively automatic tasks, such as speech comprehension and car driving, exceed a biological limit on the amount of systematic brain activity they can accommodate at one time, the researchers propose. As a result, the less-ingrained skill — in this case, driving, which is learned long after a person grasps a native language — takes a neural hit.

Which leads me to my hypothesis: tank tops and makeup kits have caused more accidents than alcohol.

The Secret World of Penguins

Digital Aphorisms

Aphorisms, adages, chestnuts and maxims: this is the verbal shorthand that allows us to communicate feelings and ideas in a few pithy words.

I was talking to a teen last week and told her to 'make hay while the sun was shining'; in return I got a 'what the hell?' look. After recalibrating for age and experience, I told her that you have to "sell out when your app is hot" and got an 'ahhh' of understanding.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I hereby submit the following starter list of digital aphorisms for those wishing to communicate with the younger generation:

• People with public Facebook profiles shouldn't post under the same name at www.XXXhardcore dating.com.
• A single hacked terminal can infect the network.
• A bad coder always blames his programming language.
• A committed Bidder is worth two Watchers.
• Caught between a 404 error and a gateway timeout
• A watched modem never connects

Boyle's Law As Applied to Society

Boyle's Law states that 'For a fixed amount of gas kept at a fixed temperature, Pressure and Volume are inversely proportional (while one increases, the other decreases)'. In other words, decrease the volume of the gas and you increase the pressure.

In New York, a muslim principal Debbie Almontaser was recently forced to step down by a combination of special interest groups that were attacking the academy that she founded. Her crime? Being on the board of a Yemeni-American organization that has occasionally let out office space to a group called Arab Women Active in the Arts and Media that created a controversial T-shirt emblazoned with the words "Intifada New York".

That's pretty ephemeral. Xenophobic hysteria, anyone?

The leader of the anti-Almontaser movement is Daniel Pipes, an activist also terribly concerned with:

• Muslim cabdrivers in Minneapolis who have refused to take passengers carrying liquor;
  
• municipal pools and a gym at Harvard that have adopted female-only hours to accommodate Muslim women;
  
• candidates for office who are suspected of supporting political Islam;
  
• banks that are offering financial products compliant with sharia, the Islamic code of law.

Heaven forbid.

What's the Boyle's law connection? By forcing any minority into a smaller and smaller box, you slowly increase the pressure...

Get the point?

The Grimace of Realistic Expectations

Week-old egg salad. Limp lettuce. Mysterious ham-like substances.

Have you ever noticed that everyone who's ever stood in front of a cafeteria 'wheel of death'-style vending machine wears the same expression?

It looks like this:


It's the expression of 'I really don't feel like eating here but I don't want to be distracted by hunger pangs'.

Senate Does the Right Thing; Nation Incredulous

Washington, DC: Sixty-two years ago, Congress voted to withhold veterans benefits from hundreds of thousands of Filipino soldiers who fought in World War II. The Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to restore those benefits. After the vote, several senators reportedly grew faint and had to sit down.

Across the nation, US citizens expressed shock and dismay. According to Peoria resident Judy Vimland, "Don't start trying to do the right thing, Senators. You haven't had enough practice."

While some rights groups celebrated news of the pension plan, other activist organizations were subdued, even depressed.

Said lobbyist Jack Arlington, who is advocating US adoption of the Kyoto Protocol, "History tells us that Congress does the right thing once every seven or eight years. We're probably looking at 2015 before we can get a carbon tax and emissions limits in place now."

Are You the Kind of Man Who'll Shoot an Unarmed Man in the Back?

From an NPR article:

"Three undercover detectives were found not guilty Friday in the 2006 police shooting of Sean Bell, a New York case that made national headlines.

Delores Jones-Brown of the John Jay College of Criminal Justice says the case has drawn attention because it's part of a larger pattern of police shooting unarmed suspects."

I don't understand. Of course the cops are shooting unarmed suspects. If they try to shoot armed suspects, the suspects are liable to shoot back.

If George Bush Were in a Famous Heavy Metal Band...

...it would be called the 'Military Industrial Complex',
...he'd be the drummer,
...it would (sigh) be a 'Christian Metal' band,
...George would do coke 'only if you've got it out already',
...4,041 American soldiers would still be alive,
...he'd be just as popular among middle age parents as he is now.

In On The Ground Floor: Rise with the Bubble Before It Bursts

Out with the old...

United States Housing Bubble (wikipedia)

In with the new...

"In financial markets, the retail forex (retail currency trading or retail FX) market is a subset of the larger foreign exchange market. This "market has long been plagued by swindlers preying on the gullible," according to The New York Times. It's commonly thought that about 90% of all retail FX traders lose money."

In Soviet Russia, Memes Spread You!

Best Response to A Lawsuit - EVER

For anyone who's ever been pushed around by a bully, read this.


I therefore think that it is important that, before closing, I make you aware of a few points. After graduating from the University of Pennsylvania Law School in 1985, I spent nineteen years in litigation practice, with a focus upon federal litigation involving large damages and complex issues. My first seven years were spent primarily on the defense side, where I developed an intense frustration with insurance carriers who would settle meritless claims for nuisance value when the better long-term view would have been to fight against vexatious litigation as a matter of principle...I am "uncompromising" in the most literal sense of the word.

Personalized License Plates

Tell me, what sort of fellow (driving a BMW I believe) gets BOW DOWN on their license plates?

Somehow I don't see him being Budweiser-and-barbecue material.

Catholic Beneath The Skin

According to a recent survey, more than a quarter of American adults have changed their faith to another religion or no religion.

I had a full Catholic upbringing: parochial school, alter boy, mass twice a week. Soup to nuts. I haven't changed my faith or left it behind; you could say instead that I've put it on a shelf.

Today, I found myself in church for the first time in a long time, attending the first communion of my goddaughter. I am aware of the irony of a nonpracticing Catholic being tasked with the proper religious upbringing of a completely respectable little girl.

The words and the rites all came back to me. I stated the confession of faith word for word with the rest of the parishioners, although if you'd asked me two seconds prior how it went I would have been at a loss for words. I knew when to genuflect and when to stand.

All of this is a roundabout way of getting to my central point. I was talking to a friend once about something completely unrelated to religion when he interrupted me, asking "you're Catholic, aren't you?"

We can leave our faiths behind, but that doesn't mean that our faiths leave us behind.

Religion, and other ideas too I suppose, change us in profound and unpredictable ways. Can we ever fully understand the scope of their influence?

Global Warming A Threat To Nation's Beer Supply

According to doctor Jim Salinger, "a warmer, drier climate could cause a significant decline in malting barley production, a key ingredient in beer".

... Perfect.

How better to bring millions of people over to the idea of a carbon tax?

"Bob: the Suburban or the Budweiser, it's up to you."

The Sexual Component of the Hula Hoop

All right. I'm sure we've all done this: while wandering the highways and byways of this wonderful interweb, you suddenly come to a screeching halt somewhere you never would have anticipated.

Thus, "The Sexual Component of the Hula Hoop".

But like a driver at the scene of a particularly eye catching wreck, I couldn't help but slow down enough to take a gander.

What, you think Americans bought the Hula Hoop for entertainment reasons? On the surface, perhaps. Subconsciously, we bought the Hula Hoop to unlock our sexual hips. The Hula Hoop was a subliminal sex toy.

Huh. Well, there you go.

Beer + Superstition = Grimm's Fairy Tales

"In medieval England the normal monastic allowance was one gallon of good ale per day, often supplemented by a second gallon of weak ale. The daily ration for the Black Monks of Battle Abbey in Sussex was one gallon of wine a day, more if the monk was sick.

English peasants were regular consumers of ale. For example, the maintenance agreement for Margaretatte Green of Girton in 1291 included in her pension enough barley to provide her with 2.6 pints of ale a day."

The above passage explains the "magical slumbers", wicked stepmothers and ogres found in medieval fairy tales. Squint a bit and it probably reveals the goblins, imps, pixies, nixies, sprites and fairies too. And don't even get me started on Joan...

Have You Ever Twinked Your Main?

...And that is to say nothing about PvP and Battlegrounds. The only other online games I've ever bothered to get into are Quake2 and Quake3. There is something irresistible about CTF and the other battlegrounds games. But to kick ass, you need a twink, which obviates the need for your main to spend all kinds of time grinding to fund your twink.

Then there is arena, where you attempt to twink your main, basically...

If Hedgehogs Are Outlawed...

...then only outlaws will have hedgehogs?

From a BBC story:

"A man in New Zealand has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon, the New Zealand Herald has reported. Police said William Singalargh, 27, had hurled the hedgehog about 5m (16ft) at a 15-year-old boy. "It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," said Senior Sgt Bruce Jenkins, in the North Island town of Whakatane."

Please sir, next time use a rock, or a bat or something. There's no need to bring an innocent hedgehog into your fight. After all, the other guy might grab a wallaby.

Regarding the Toyota Scion

Do you think people buy them in spite of or because of the fact that they are the boxiest, ugliest automotive monstrosities on the road today?

Hitler Youth Had Nothing On Hamas

Here's what the militant Palestinian movement Hamas teaches its children. From a nytimes article:

A "children’s program, “Tomorrow’s Pioneers,” has become infamous for its puppet characters — a kind of Mickey Mouse, a bee and a rabbit — who speak, like Assud the rabbit, of conquering the Jews to the young hostess, Saraa Barhoum, 11."

"The mouse, Farfour, was murdered by an Israeli interrogator and replaced by Nahoul, the bee, who died “a martyr’s death” from lack of health care because of Gaza’s closed borders. He has been supplanted by Assud, the rabbit, who vows “to get rid of the Jews, God willing..."

Sorry folks. Normally I'd try and toss a joke in here but this is sickening.

Remember this when you read about President XYZ pressuring Israel to sit down with Hamas. Not that Israel has clean hands here, but how do you make peace with people like that?

This Is Why Radio Is A Dying Medium

Overheard during a morning "talk/music" program.

Host: So Madonna is meeting with film executives: she wants to re-make the movie Casablanca [pronounced "cassa-blankuh"].

Dude: Oh God, no!

Host: Yeah, except she wants to place the movie in a modern war zone. Iraq.

Gal: I hate Madonna. She is, like, you know, so self-involved.

Dude: Where was the movie set originally?

Host: Uh, Casablanca. Cassa-blankuh

Gal: That's why I never saw Evita!

Dude: Oh.

Dude: Uh, where is Casablanca?

Host: Oh Casablanca Cassa-blankuh that's, like, Europe.

Dude: Europe?

Gal: Oh I loved that movie, but it's been, like, so long since I've seen it...

Host: Yeah. It's not Spain... Uh-

*click*

Study Shows Women Are From Venus, Men Clueless

The following is from the abstract of a study due to be published in the April '08 edition of Psychological Science. Researchers studied the differences between men and women being able to differentiate female sexual advances, normal friendliness, normal sadness and rejection.

According to the study,

"gender differences were captured by a relative perceptual insensitivity among men. Just as in previous studies, men were more likely than women to misperceive friendliness as sexual interest, but they also were quite likely to misperceive sexual interest as friendliness."

Science has successfully proven, yet again, that men have no idea what women are thinking.

Men seem to make these decisions based on clothing - they are more likely to perceive that women dressed provocatively are displaying sexual interest when they are not. They are also less likely to perceive that a women is flirting when she is dressed conservatively (the researchers cut a picture of Margaret Thatcher from an old lad mag).

Women, on the other hand, were more likely to correctly perceive sexual interest regardless of clothing style. In other words, it's not that men are always more likely to assume that women are flirting; rather, men and women may be responding to different sets of cues.

The bottom line?
Gals: men are crude and clueless. You need to be direct and to the point with us.
Guys: face it, we're clueless. When you want to flirt with someone, bring along another gal as your wingman. Have her clue you in to what's really going on. And watch out for those Margaret Thatcher types; underneath that frumpy red dress might be their 'dating bloomers'.

You never know.

I Would Be A Cheap Fortune Teller Indeed

...if I were to prognosticate some of today's headlines:

"Democrats, Republicans Differ on Whom Economic Aid Should Help"

"Violence Grips Iraq"

"North Korea Test-Fires Missiles"

"Critics Cite Fraud In Zimbabwe"

"Palestinians Fear Marginalization"

You could find the same stories in the NY Times last week. Or last month. Or last year.

In fact, you could go back 100 years and find much the same headlines, except you'd find articles about Teddy Roosevelt shooting large quadrupeds instead of Cheney shooting bipeds. And they call this progress!

Don't Be a Hater

FOXNews.com is headlining the following story:

"U.S. Based Revolution Muslim Website Spreading Messages of Hate"

So does Pat Robertson.

"Outspoken US Christian evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has accused Muslims of planning world domination, and said some were "satanic".

Is turnabout fair play only when they're not turning on you?

The Ten-Year Itch

The Savings and Loan Crisis: 1986-1988. Ultimate cost $160 billion. More than 1,000 S&Ls failed, forcing a massive taxpayer bailout.

The Collapse of Long-Term Capital Management: 1998. Ultimate cost only $3.6 billion, but it did nearly pull down the global financial system.

The Credit Crisis [Name Pending]: 2007-2008. Ultimate cost - well, we're not sure yet (and that's part of the problem), but at least $197 billion ($168 billion in tax rebates and another $29 billion on the Bear Stearns bailout).

The US taxpayer is either stupid or pretty damn forgetful, that much is clear.

We pay financiers top dollar to stick our money in ultra-risky investments, then we bail them out when it all falls apart.

Moral hazard, anyone?

Beware Of Hackers Wearing Ski Masks!

At least I think that's what Pandasoft is trying to tell us.


The image of a leather-clad ski-masked man sitting in a dark room while using the internet suggests several possibilities, none of which includes the concept 'hacking', unless thats what kids are calling it nowadays.

Regardless, I get the message: beware!