Nifty Little Website

I have a new website for you logophiles out there. Check out www.freerice.com.

It's a vocabulary game - 1 word, 4 options; you choose match the correct option to the word listed. Each correct answer bumps you up a level and your words get correspondingly harder. For each word you get right, freerice will donate 10 grains of rice to the world food bank. (They fund the organization through pay per click advertising.)

My personal best is level 48. So...can you reach level 50? Test your word power!

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

Contrary to popular belief, journalists are human.

I know, I know!

But, in fact they are as vulnerable, if not more so, to the vagaries of repression and political correctness as the rest of us. Take their headlines, for example. Generally they're so truncated as to be a bare summary, a breathless description of the article underneath.

Occasionally, however, the journalists try to say what they really mean, and today I have divined the authors' true intentions by selectively editing their word choices. Please note, these are not the actual headlines; they are the phrases as actually intended.

• From NPR, "Cheney Found to Have Heartbeat"
• From NYT, "Hamas Urges Taking Israel"
• From Slashdot, "New Super Body - In Under a Minute"
• From Foxnews.com, "Inconvenient Gore Accepts WH Invite"
• From MSNBC News, "Bush Clouts Mideast Peace"

Play It Again, Sam

Is it me, or does John Coltrane sound better every time you hear him?

And I'm Sure that France Is Complaining About Cheap American Goods Flooding the Market

So I got back home to see the family. I had a chance to speak with a cousin of mine, who works in a foundry. Considering the economy, I was afraid that he'd been laid off but Billy surprised me by saying that they're busier than ever.

Why? It's simple.

"The dollar is lower in Europe, so everything we make is being shipped overseas."

I hope that all you American-made protectionists out there take note of that. The only thing keeping America from a full-blown recession right now is our vibrant export market, which is only possible because of NAFTA, GATT and all of those bilateral trade agreements that have been demonized in the past ten years.

But don't take my word for it. Check out this NYT article.

In the first half of the year, profits earned at home by American companies grew not at all compared with a year earlier, according to an analysis by Moody’s Economy.com. But profits abroad soared by 22 percent.

Isn't this how globalization is supposed to work?

Petraeus Goes Out On A Limb

General David Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq, conceded in an open letter to the troops today that the Iraq War is 'exceedingly complex'.

In other news, leading oceanographers have reported that the ocean is, in their words, 'extremely wet'.

Meanwhile, Back in the Real World...

The titans of finance shriek 'rate cuts - we need rate cuts to save the economy fast!' Stories of a collapsing housing market spread and there are worries that the contagion will affect other parts of the economy.

What is this, the flu?

In reality, the vast majority of homeowners are not going to lose their homes, even the ones who got ARMs. And in the broader economy:

• Worker productivity April - June rose at the fastest rate in two years, easing inflation worries,
• Unemployment claims fell last week for the first time in seven weeks,
• American exporters report record growth in sales due to a more competitive exchange rate,
• Retail sales in August surged with the back to school push.

Don't believe the hype. The economy is healthy and the sub-prime mortgage loan collapse was a necessary correction. This is one disease that mainly affects financiers and hedge-fund gabillionaires.

A plague on both their houses!

Why Didn't We See The Warning Signs Earlier?

From a NYTimes article on the recent troubles in the subprime mortgage market [emphasis mine]:

Now, some would-be buyers like Matthew Hennig are having to put off their dream of homeownership. In early July, Mr. Hennig, an air-conditioner repairman, signed the contract to buy his ideal home, a two-bedroom condo overlooking a swimming pool in a Phoenix suburb.

A day later, however, as he was on the job in a sweltering attic, his loan officer at Fairway Independent Mortgage called to tell him that the $185,000, no-money-down loan Mr. Hennig thought was a sure thing had been denied. Why? He was a first-time buyer with little credit history.

Unlike the professionals on the trading floors of Wall Street who lost billions and now seem shell-shocked, Mr. Hennig has moved on. Mr. Hennig, who earns about $40,000 a year, is now renting a room from a friend and saving up the money for a down payment when he tries to buy again in a year or so. He has also recently opened a charge-card account to bolster his credit score.

And a year ago, he would have been in like Flynn. I wonder why it all fell apart?

Pat Buchanan's War Against Chinese Imports

WASHINGTON - Writer, former presidential candidate and resident whackjob Pat Buchanan thundered against 'cheap, foreign chinese-made citizens'.

"People, haven't we learned enough from the lead paint scare? These reproductions are nothing but cheap chinese knock-offs! We need to ban these imports before they do tremendous and irreparable damage to the body politic."

Consumer groups across the nation expressed concern at Buchanan's recent attacks, noting that eliminating these imports would be blatantly racist, but that 'extensive testing was certainly called for'.

It's All In the Fine Print

* Not really free. It's sort of 'free to be free'. 'Free' in the sense of not being without cost. Yeah.
** Well, it's free if you don't mind spending four hours signing up for credit cards, secret shopper offers and spam email. Oh, and your credit card number too. We won't use it; trust us, it's for 'verification purposes only'.
*** Come to think of it, why don't you sign up for our credit-monitoring service? It's really good; we'll make sure all of those scam artists out there don't take advantage of you. Why, my aunt Martha was really taken advantage of by some jerk who got her credit card number and sold it at www.thepiratebay.com for what was really chump change when you get right down to it and Martha isn't all that wealthy and now she's got bad credit and needs a new car and groceries and a pacemaker.
****Shipping extra.

Tagged!

What do you do when you've been tagged? Well, by a happy circumstance I happen to know...

00: I happen to work for one of the largest food manufacturers in the world. I eat almost nothing that my company makes.

01: I am working on something I call UTOS - the Utility Theory of Stuff.

02: I ruled an underwater kingdom called Verlynia and was married to a selkie named Fiona.

03: I have eaten quiche.

04: I am currently reading 3 books: a history of English spelling, the story of the early Christian church and a history of the sword and sword fighting.

05: I once took a leading role in a musical only after being assured that I would not be required to sing or dance.

06: I have a very nice condo.

07: Pet peeves include people who insist on using the word 'ironic' when they clearly don't understand what it means. I'm looking at you, Morissette!

Thomas Barnett: The Pentagon's New Strategy For War and Peace

Political Madlib

_____________ Leader's Problems are Bush's Problems Too

WASHINGTON - The sinking political fortunes of __________ President __________ leave his defenders in Washington in an awkward spot, shoring up an undemocratic but useful ruler whose close ties to President Bush are part of his problem at home.

_____________ has an uncertain hold on power after months of political turmoil and his own missteps, and his recent attempt to _____________________ horrified his US allies.

Bush's top diplomat got the uncomfortable assignment of calling ______________ at 2:30 am EST to argue against a step that would play in the West as proof that an ugly dictatorship lies beneath _________'s moderate surface.

As President Bush said during a news conference, "In my discussions with President ___________, I have reminded him that we share a common enemy: Extremists and radicals who would like to do harm to our respective societies."

It's a fun game! I bet that in news-speak, they call this a 'Monday page 3', as in "Hey Lenny, can you type another quick 'Monday page 3? Yeah, we got another one.'

If Spammers Mixed Their Messages

• is it you? Lucy here - Save big on V1agra, C1alis!
  
• DeVry University: Find a date tonight
  
• Impress Her! En1arge your pen1s & your breasts!
• Best home job EVER: XXX in 15 minutes!
  
• Special offer - Bullnews! Are you ready to go wireless?
• Your July newsletter: halfhearted somnambulist
  

I Guess We All Have Bad Days

It Could be Verse

From Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks, by Lore Sjoberg. My favorite:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin'
"I want," Dylan said
"You to bitch till you're dead.
"I'll be cheesed if you kick it while chillin'."

What can I say? It speaks to me.

Top Ten Harry Potter Revelations!

10) Horcrux construction involves cornflakes and Murphy’s Oil Soap.
9) Voldemort's name revealed to really be an anagram of 'mold trove'.
8) Ron is really rather lame.
7) Book consists of 15 pages of text, followed by 658 pictures of pigeons.
6) To escape the Ministry of Magic, Hermione flees to Bangkok. How she pays the bills is unclear.
5) Book ends with Harry walking off in Nagini-skin boots.
4) The "Deathly Hollows" is actually a fish and chips recipe.
3) 'Death Eaters' renamed 'Huggy Bunny Care Bears'.
2) Harry Potter drafted into muggle army and, due to be deployed to Iraq, takes polyjuice potion to resemble Prince Harry and avoid service.
1) Nobody dies!

The Worst Job in Science

Hazmat Diver.

“The worst was at a factory pig farm,” says Steven M. Barsky, the author of Diving in High-Risk Environments, the industry bible for hazardous-materials divers. “A guy had driven his truck into the waste lagoon and drowned. Not only was it full of urine and liquid pig feces, the farmer had dumped all the needles used to inject the pigs with antibiotics and hormones in there.” Someone had to recover the body, and the task fell to commercial hazmat divers.

Personally, I think the hardest part would be at the bar after work listening to the accountant next to you bitch about how rough his job was.

I Love Australians

Check out this story on BBC.com:

Remember the British naval crew that was abducted by Iran a few months back? It seems it wasn't the first time. And I quote...

It turns out that Iranian forces made an earlier concerted attempt to seize a boarding party from the Royal Australian Navy.

The Australians, though, to quote one military source, "were having none of it".

The BBC has been told the Australians re-boarded the vessel they had just searched, aimed their machine guns at the approaching Iranians and warned them to back off, using what was said to be "highly colourful language".

Don't Do It!

A public service announcement from www.whatwereyouthinking.org:

Five Steps Not To Take When Committing Worker's Comp Fraud

1. If you're going to fraudulently claim a work-related injury, do not brag about it to your co-workers.
2. If you do brag about it to your (former) friends, do not attempt to start a home-based business while off from work.
3. If you do start a home-based business while committing worker's comp fraud, do not solicit your co-workers, who are now working overtime, to buy your goods and services.
4. If you do all of the above, do not post a business card and flyer at local grocery stores and in the want ads with your name, phone number and myspace page.
5. If you do all of the above, do not try and pay off the police when they come to arrest you.

Why Is It?

Why is it we buy the least fuel efficient vehicles in the developed world, then spend hours each week trying to find cheaper gas?

Why is that the Executive Vice President of advertising sales at NBC Universal is named 'Ed Swindler'?

Why is it that when Dick Cheney touched down in Baghdad, he walked off the plane wearing body armor?

Oh wait - I know the answer to that last one: he had to tell thousands of soldiers that their tours were being extended another six months.

Hope that armor protects your back, Dick.

Now That's America

From an article discussing the Wiccan religion in America:

Beltane in the Park, an event taking place this Saturday at the Central Park dairy, has already received 300 RSVPs, according to its organizer, a Brooklyn Wiccan named Starr.

"It's supposed to be on the eve of May, but we're doing it on Saturday because of everyone's work schedule," Starr said. Activities include dancing ‘round the Maypole — an age-old fertility rite — and a purifying ritual called "jumping the cauldron." Traditionally, one jumps over a cauldron brimming with fire, Starr said. For safety purposes, "We're using a plastic cauldron."

All hail the mother goddess, I say.

You Might Be a Third World Despot If...

You have to start taking your diplomats' children hostage to ensure they don't defect...

Define: Irony

OpenX, a utility tool designed to open those clear plastic 'clamshell' packages (the ones that we all hate).

When you buy it, it comes encased in ... a hard to open clamshell.

SCREW EUPHEMISM

I know I'm guilty. Guilty as any and more than most: after all, I teach people how to speak within euphemisms.

Generally, this doesn't bother me.

But tonight, I was watching the news and saw a modern mother describing her teen-age son (Ari, who seemed like a decent sort underneath it all) and his descent into alcoholism as 'a process'. And, of course, she was engaged in her own process of learning and exploration of his process.

Then, a nattering 'expert' appeared, telling me that it can be hard to distinguish 'normal teen-age exploration' from 'poor lifestyle choices'.

I have a problem with this.

No, actually I don't have a problem with this. Actually, I want to puke.

Yes, it literally makes me want to vomit.

I'm sorry, but 'fucking up your life' is 'fucking up your life', regardless of the words used to describe it. And maybe - just maybe - if somebody had told young Ari that he was fucking up his life a little bit earlier, he might have listened.

Or maybe not.

But sugar-coating things, divorcing reality from truth, doesn't help anybody. Certainly not Ari, who's busy making his poor lifestyle choices.

And the worst part is that I'm going to go to work on Monday, adjust my collar, and slide back into double-speak.

Am I talking about Ari? Or me? You make the call.

He Must Have Wanted to Preserve Anonymity

In an article discussing Ian Paisley's recent decision to join in a power-sharing agreement in Northern Ireland, one interviewee questioned the reverand's motives. He was only named as

an 83-year-old Protestant unionist voter, who wished to be identified only by his first name, Gordon, and who said he had known Mr. Paisley since they attended Ballymena Model School in the 1930s

I'm sure Gordon sleeps much more soundly knowing that fanatics can't track him down. Well, as soundly as any 83-year-old sleeps, anyway.

Well At Least They're Admitting It Now

Why is union membership down?

"It is very difficult for the unions to get a foothold where there is not a need," said Brian Burton, vice president of the Indiana Manufacturers Association, which represents some 1,500 companies in the state. Burton said workers there are able to get nonunion jobs with good pay and benefits.

In the same article, Robert Shaffer president of the Mississippi AFL-CIO said:

"If they [Toyota] treat the people good and don't screw 'em around, it will probably be hard to organize them," Shaffer said.

Relevancy concern? Naw; unions are at least as relevant as the Moral Majority and the Christian Coalition.

Harry Potter Has a Thing For Horses

Yes, that's right folks. Harry Potter wants to get to know horses in the biblical sense.

Well, sort of. You see, it's not Harry Potter but the actor who plays him, Daniel Radcliffe. And he doesn't have a thing for horses, per se, but he is starring in an English stage production of Equus, which a BBC article describes as about "troubled stableboy Alan Strang, who has an erotic relationship with his horses."

This concerns me.

No, it's not what you're thinking. I don't have a problem with a guy interested in ladies of the equine persuasion; I mean, it's not for me but as long as the horse isn't being harmed - whatever floats your boat, I say.

No, it's the relationship aspect that bothers me. I could understand fetish, fixation or even sexual obsession - I guess. But I don't understand how someone can get involved in an erotic relationship with a pony, unless it's got a thing for him too.

I suppose I should see the play.

. . .

Do you think they share a carrot afterward?

From the Wire

Apparently the USAF has updated its oaths of enlistment.

If any of my readers are considering serving their country, I submit the following.



US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike- riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

____________________
Date

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me so, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"


_____________________
Signature

_____________________
Date

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature

______________________
Date

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high- and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill.... fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer..... sailors wives.....air strikes.... yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute.... Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
Thumb Print

XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks

_____________________
Date

Something for the Pit Crews

At last, a product to brighten the tense, stressed out and smelly day for NASCAR pit crews. Imagine waiting anxiously for number 14 to scream in from off the track. As you and your mates boil out toward the car you're greeted by: the sweet smell of lavender.

Yes, that's right. Lavender.

It's been hard to hold a conversation outdoors these last few weeks because of the constant cheering by mechanics all across this great land. The next advancement in automotive technology has come: Kumho Tire USA is releasing a new line of scented tires.

Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?

Jonathan Swift Calls It Again

So nat'ralists observe, a flea

Hath smaller fleas that on him prey,

And these have smaller fleas that bite 'em,

And so proceed ad infinitum.

It's Just a Matter of Perspective

You know, it's good to remember that, no matter how many things go wrong in a day, there's some other poor bastard who just drove his car into the ditch.

Here's One Commercial that Should Have Made it to the Big Game

But What If It Worked Out Differently?

According to Wikipedia, which knows all, the city of Rome was founded by twin brothers Romulus and Remus. They got into a quarrel over who would rule the city, however, and it ended with Romulus slaying his brother.

Romulus, of course, went on to become the first king of Rome, lending his name to the very city.

But what if Remus had won that fabled fight?

Would the Italian government and the Pope work out of the historic Eternal City of Ream?

It really makes you think.

Why Unions Start

Current temperature: 0 degrees F
Feels like: -22 degrees F
Winds: gust to 26 mph


And this poor schmuck is outside with a sandwich board to keep warm. I'd like to think they're paid on a sliding scale based on weather quality, but I know I'm kidding myself.

Money Changes Everything

When exactly did the American paradigm move from the bank account and coupons to rolling the dice? In the introduction to their book “Money Changes Everything”, the editors note that:

“Economists report that middle-class families are now carrying record levels of credit card debt, going without health insurance and filing for bankruptcy at several times the rate of the early 1980s.”

“Turns out those McMansions and shiny S.U.V.’s have us mortgaged up to our eyeballs, but until the wolf is truly at the door, you won’t find many of us admitting it.”

Ms. Schappell said she now believed, however, that the old-fashioned ideal of working hard, saving and gradually making it is a bankrupt one. Instead, the way people envision growing rich, she said, is through a windfall: “a malpractice lawsuit, the lottery or going on a reality show — it’s the new American dream.”

Somehow, It's More Appropriate Now

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Great words to live by. Check out an NYT Sunday Magazine essay by Michael Pollan.

"Humans deciding what to eat without expert help — something they have been doing with notable success since coming down out of the trees — is seriously unprofitable if you’re a food company, distinctly risky if you’re a nutritionist and just plain boring if you’re a newspaper editor or journalist."

I'm reminded of my great-grandfather, who ate eggs fried in bacon grease, pie for lunch and cigars after dinner for more than 80 years. Or was that George Burns?

Never mind; read the essay anyway.

Jane's Back

Jane Fonda participated in a mass rally against the Iraq war yesterday.

Do you think she'll be visiting an Mehdi Army torture house next?

Have You Heard the News?

The News: Rival students clash in Lebanon university; one dead.

The Leftist: Oh god, now Bush is going to send troops!

The Neocon: Oh God, now Bush has got to send troops!

The Postmodernist: But how do we know what we mean by 'dead'?

The Islamist: The House of Dar al Islam must stop killing its own.

The Stoner: Awesome - the Clash is playing at Leb U!

Pat Robertson: This was foretold in the Book of Revelation. The Rapture is coming soon!

The French: We oppose the US doing anything. Or nothing.

The Sports Fan: But how does if affect the Bears' playoff chances?

Joe Sixpack: Where is Lebanon, anyway?

BMG Surrenders to Shawn Fanning

Major record labels such as BMG and Universal Music privately surrendered to Shawn Fanning, creator of the original music sharing website, Napster.

"You win, Fanning - you win. We'll give you whatever you want - sale via .wavs, .mp3s, whatever.", said BMG chairman Nicholas Firth. "Just call off the Torrents, would you?"

According to one insider, "We realized, after a decade of declining sales, that people weren't going to buy a product they couldn't use. That's when the Ghost of Music Past appeared and showed us the error of our ways."

"If we can't sell the music, at least we can sell the advertising next to it. I'm told that Google has done fairly well with that business model."

Metallica Heads Back to the Studio

In an interview today, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said that the band was heading back to the studio to start working on a new album. "We've taken everything: all the best ideas, lyrics and riffs that we've come up with in the last three years and gone into the studio."

Mr. Ulrich went on to say that the band already had enough material for two good songs. "Not, you know, like "Unforgiven good" but at least "No Leaf Clover good".

Mr. Ulrich concluded the interview by saying "Yeah, we're still bad. So f*ing bad."

With Relief, the Nation Forgets About Martin Luther King For Another Year

According to experts, the thoughtfulness and reflection surrounding Martin Luther King day faded faster than ever this year, with 51% of Americans having forgotten the date of 'MLK Day' by January 17th.

According to Cleveland resident LaWanda Johnson, "You know, I really agree with Dr. King's position on nonviolence, equality and political self-expression. But nowadays his message doesn't speak to our day-to-day worries and needs, like my son Tony, who's in Iraq, and trying to get my daughter Latricia into private school. Public schools around here are a real disaster, you know?"

Other respondents felt the same. Area resident Sam White commented that "We give Martin Luther King one day; we only gave Jesus two days! Jesus goes back in his box by New Year's and it's high time that MLK did the same."

The Ethiopians Are Leaving! The Ethiopians Are Leaving!

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia: In recent weeks, the Ethiopian government has conducted a lightning war against the Islamic Courts movement that had conquered much of Somalia. With support from the internationally-recognized Somalian transitional government, Ethiopian troops have just ousted all radical fighters from the capital, Mogadishu.

Today, Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi announced that the Ethiopian military is set to pull out of Somalia within the next few days. African Union delegates are currently meeting to form a peacekeeping force in support of the fledgling Somalian democracy.

According to sources within the American administration, President Bush has repeatedly contacted the Ethiopians in an attempt to apply the 'African experience' to America's conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Allegedly, President Bush keeps asking, "But don't you need a Surge? What about the Surge?"

... And We're Back

Thank God - I've moved to a civilized little community. I knew I'd fit right in when I saw the sign below:


I'll be fine in any town that has an effective Christian-licensing program.

"At the Tap" Announces Corporate Restructuring

South Beloit, IL: Multimedia company "At the Tap" announced today that it will be relocating its corporate headquarters to the semi-tax haven of Roscoe, Illinois in the near future.

According to an At the Tap spokesman, "While the move will result in a short term cash flow reduction and a drop in liquid capital, Management believes that the long term capital appreciation potential of the move will result in reduced opportunity costs, significant expense reductions and the unlocking of significant shareholder value."

Analysts predict a drop in At the Tap's publishing frequency for the duration of the shift, citing the high probability that the majority of the business' resources will be focused on developing core business systems.

[I close on a condo tomorrow. At the Tap goes on a short hiatus whilst I move my stuff.]

It's a Mac, Mac World

San Francisco, CA: First there was iPod, now there's iPhone. IPhone, introduced by Jobs during his keynote speech at the annual Macworld Conference and Expo, was accompanied by Apple TV, a set-top box that streams video from computers to television.

During a later Q&A session, 11- year-old Tommy Stuart asked, "Mr. Jobs, Apple has really reinvented music players and now - phones. I think they're great, but I don't understand why you don't design a similar kind of computer. I mean, iPods, iPhones; why not an iMac?"

According to witnesses, Mr. Jobs just sighed.

A Public Health Announcement

Last year, a health team swabbed the purses of 100 women in a local mall. The result?

The results of the laboratory tests contained the following most serious result: 1 out of 4 purses contained E COLI. Other extremely serious bacteria also were listed, including Hepatitis.

Ladies, for your health and ours please: stop shitting in your purses.

Thank you.

The Outsourcing Trend Accelerates

Outsourcing isn't just for corporate America anymore! Researchers report that this trend continues to accelerate, with millions of America's young adults and teens busily outsourcing their lives. From social networks like Facebook to FastDater to Tickle, there are a host of companies that cater to practical and ruthless efficiency.

According to recent studies, more than half of American teens use social networks extensively. "It's gr8!", according to MySpace member sweetteen_1987, "Now I can have hundreds of 'friends' without having to interact, speak to or even meet any of them!"

Researchers have also noted a dramatic membership drop in fraternal, veterans' and civic organizations. The average age of a Kiwanis member is now 51, with the average Mason topping 70. The news isn't all bad, however; other community groups such as homeowner and condo associations are expanding rapidly.

Combined with the recent growth of Internet relationships and 'speed dating', Internet shopping (including grocery delivery), and the growth of private gyms and fitness clubs, experts predict that all social interactions will be commoditized within five years. "It's a shame that my parents had to grow up so ... analog", said webmaster Jason Greer, "I can't imagine what it would be like to go out and actually meet strangers - absolutely no quality control at all!"

Village Downsizes Witch

Kensington, CT: Village president Dave Grohl announced today that it would be terminating its long-standing arrangement with area hag and witch, Dorothea Barton. According to Mr. Grohl, changing attitudes were ultimately responsible for the shift.

"With the culture today of 'hooking up' at the expense romance and true love, the market for love potions and charms is way down. And, according to Dorotea, between global warming and el nino, she can hardly call up a rain squall anymore.

"Well, that just leaves us the 'hexes-and-evil-eyes' bit and, frankly, since the battery plant up and left for Mexico, we already have more of that than than we need."

Nationally, the demand for supernatural services has been in slow decline for more than a dozen years. Analysts point to changing tastes in the occult; while fortune telling has seen only a slight erosion in popularity, other forms of black magic like satanism and witchery have simply 'dropped off the map'.

Spokesmen for the crone expressed sadness at the recent decision with the hope that the council might reconsider. Villagers, however, say that they have reached consensus and plan on giving Widder Barton a 'traditional Connecticut send-off'.

What's the state of State?

According to a recent AP article, former president 'Tricky Dick' Nixon vowed to ruin the US Foreign Service.

George Bush has apparently brought in John Negroponte to finish the job.

Hollywood's Sequel Frenzy

Hollywood, CA: Recently, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford have announced new sequels for the Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, and Rambo series. Faced with renewed audience enthusiasm with these hoary film legends, the studios have unveiled several new projects currently on the planning boards, including:

• Pretty Woman II: Back on the Streets. Julia Roberts has announced she will reprise her titular character in a new, 'gritty' film about a 40-something whore thrown back onto the streets by her angry millionaire ex-husband. According to the actress, "It was a role I could really sink my teeth into."
  
• The Magnificent Eight: Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner reprise their famous roles as hired gunmen and mercenaries in this epic western. A Paramount spokesmen said that because of the liberal use of 'movie magic', the chronic case of death of both men won't affect their performance.
  
• Scarface 2 / From Dusk Till Dawn 4. Tony Montana rises from the dead to feast on the blood of his enemies. According to director Quentin Tarentino, " Conceptually this move was a challenge to make, especially because it makes no sense."
• James Bond 22: A Stitch In Time. According to a spokesman, "Mr. Craig makes an excellent Bond and we have already optioned him for Bond 23. However in order to capitalize on the popularity and momentum of Casino Royale, the studio has assembled a movie from outtakes and deleted scenes from the previous 21 films." Critics who have screened the movie report that it has an 'all-star cast' and the most coherent plot of the series.
  

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Ten Extremely Implausible 2007 Predictions

1. The federal government will default on debt when president Bush shifts revenues from a 'tax- and fee-based' system to a free-market 'ad-based' scheme.
2. The Social Security Administration restates its finances and announces sufficient funding for the foreseeable future. During an audit, the SSA discovers that back in the '80s, Harold in Accounting didn't carry a zero.
3. The Democrats, on the heels of the astonishing 2006 mid-term elections, will miraculously avoid self-destruction, coalescing around a single leader and message in a clear bid to re-take the White House.
4. Against all logic, the Iraqi insurgency will fail to collapse with the death of the deposed and powerless dictator Saddam Hussein.
5. 2007's biggest political scandal will involve octogenarian West Virginia senator Robert Byrd, Miss America 2006 Jennifer Berry, 14 pounds of butter and a cockfight.
6. In a stunning change of fortune, American automakers Ford and GM will once again produce vehicles that consumers want to buy, and at a price profitable for themselves.
7. In a "po-tay-to / po-tah-to" moment, Arab & Israeli negotiators will agree to a complete and permanent cessation of hostilities. Surprisingly, they are not immediately executed by the radical wings of their own governments.
8. Faced with a notable loss of interest, celebrity tabloids TMZ.com, the National Enquirer and the New York Daily News fold and shut down operations.
9. The weblog movement will explode in popularity as people realize that blogging truly is 'money for nothing'.
10. Future generations will identify 2007 as the 'Year that Humanity Grew Up'.