Alligator Wrestling, Florida-Style

Who: Florida resident Adrian Apgar

What: Four deputies saved Adrian from a 12-foot alligator after receiving reports that a naked man was being mauled at 4am. Authorities were unclear as to why Mr. Apgar was naked, wrestling with an alligator at four in the morning, speculated that it might be related to his crack cocaine habit.

When: Today.

What We Don't Know: The initial reactions of the police at the scene. I think it was either:
1. "Oh my God!"
2. "Oh, shit."
3. "Nuts! My shift was up in 30 minutes."

Favorite Quote: "He admitted that he'd been smoking crack cocaine. But still, it's a human life. Our deputies don't ask questions, they respond and they save people."

But Isn't It Obvious?

The US Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the meaning of 'obvious'. In the field of patent law, an innovation must not only be novel and useful but not obvious to a person of 'ordinary skill in the field'. This is apparently the most important patent case in decades!

And you thought patent law wasn't riveting?

Wait'll the companies start sparring over the meaning of ordinary.

Mayor Calls 50 Shots By The Police "Unacceptable"

New York, NY: Mayor Michael Bloomberg said in a meeting today with civic and religious leaders that the fatal police shooting of an unarmed black man in Queens was “inexplicable” and “unacceptable".

"Fifty shots to kill an unarmed black man? WE will have a full and complete investigation of all event surrounding this matter. There should have been at least 18 shots per officer. That was the standard we set back in 1999, dammit, and I won't see expectations fall on my watch."

Nobody Notices Protestor Burning Self Alive

Who: Malachi Ritscher, experimental musician and anti-war protester. (That's Mal on the left.)

What: Malachi set himself on fire as a statement against America's foreign policy, right before the midterm elections. Unfortunately, nobody noticed.

When: November 3rd.

Where: Near an off-ramp in downtown Chicago. (Probably near rush hour.)

What We Don't Know: Which is worse - smelling your own fat frying or knowing that it won't even make Page 3 in the Local section?

You know, self-immolation isn't for me but if it was I'd definitely work the communication end a little bit more. If a tree is burned alive in the forest but nobody sees it, does it scream in agony?

"Black Friday" Holiday Traditions

Americans are not the most tradition-bound people. I think that's why we tend to go overboard celebrating the traditions that survive. Whether it's the increasing number of tryptophan-induced comas or the Santa displays now visible from space, we are often guilty of 'trying too hard'. And so, we here At the Tap find it necessary to publish a list of 'Don'ts' for another popular holiday tradition - shopping on Black Friday.

Without further ado:
10. For the record, ‘shopping’ on Black Friday refers to clothes, electronics, etc. Not grocery shopping.
9. Although a definite time-saver, a urine bottle is not an appropriate accessory. 8. As a corollary to the rule above, when lavatories and restroom facilities are offered, they are intended as the only spaces for certain bodily functions. Potted plants, secluded corners and circular racks of clothing are strictly off-limits.
7. Mall regulations frequently restrict or prohibit the use of Segways within or between shops. Check before you go.
6. The same goes for motorcycles, mopeds and ATVs. Only more so.
5. Despite the popularity of the traditional song, even on Black Friday a shave and a haircut isn't 'two bits'.
4. If a fellow shopper describes a sale as being 'to die for', it isn't an invitation and it really isn’t meant to be taken literally.
3. Borrowing your 81-year old disabled grandmother’s Olds to snag a good parking spot is just plain wrong.
2. Resorting to armed robbery to get that 'must have' Christmas gift is inappropriate, even if it IS a Playstation 3.
1. And (from America's retailers) - don't take a shopping list, just take two carts.

How To Spot A Terrorist

• 
  Can you answer yes to the following questions?
  

  Can you pick out a terrorist in a crowded McDonalds™?
  Do you want to know how to identify terrorists in your neighborhood?
  Do you want to know the skills that have made some American citizens the #2 terrorist spotters* in the world?

  If not, you may need the Terrorist Identification Kit!
  
  Includes:
  Amazingly Accurate Skin Color Identification Chart™ ,
  Proprietary double verification technology using Terror-Vision™ Glasses
  Mild sedation products like Faizul's Good Night™ Hummus.
  
  Never leave home without it!

Thanksgiving Day Post

I would like to give thanks on this day of days.

I am grateful for having a president that makes the bum on the corner seem like a well-adjusted, rational and sympathetic individual. I'd also like to thank the Democrats, specifically Nancy Pelosi, who are already turning on each other like rabid dogs. While I'm at it, I'd like to thank all of the political admakers and pollsters for flooding my television and computer with evil. Election '06 simply wouldn't have been the same if I didn't have to choose between the Pedophiliac Serial Rapist and the Racist, Drug-Addicted Thief.

I'm particularly thankful for hypocritical bastards like Ted Haggard and Mark Foley. We need assholes like you undermining people's faith in the only institutions dedicated to the public good. Before you're done, the only honest American institutions will be strip clubs & massage parlors. Thanks!

While I'm at it, I'm also grateful to the partisans that are attacking the whistle-blowing pages and that male prostitute who reported Pastor Ted's drug-and-gay sex habit to the press. Keep sending those death threats!

And of course, where would we be without train wrecks like Brittany Spears, Tom Cruise or Paris Hilton? I'm grateful to you filth-grubbing stars out there; without you, the American people might have a sense of class. At the very least, they'd need to start living their own lives for a change.

And let's face it: I'm really grateful for the American people. In our obsession with material possessions, in our political apathy, in our shortsighted need to borrow from the future to fill the present with filth and garbage - these are the things that make us great. Keep watching TMZ! And start a riot over some Playstation 3s! Attack evolution, foreigners, free trade and everything else you don't understand! We thank you.

But. While I give thanks for all of this, I am really grateful for one thing above all else. Because despite all the wrongheadedness in America today, I'm thankful that I live here because there's still liberty and valor in this, the home of the brave and the free. I am grateful that I have the freedom to say what I do and believe what I believe. I truly give thanks that I have family and friends who care for me, and that I have family and friends to care for. I'm grateful that there is a future, and that we yet have the freedom to act to make it better.

For all of this, I do give thanks.

The Immigration Debate: The Indians Are Coming!

Check out this story in the Washington Post.

Sure, Indian immigrants in the Washington DC area have a $87,369 median income.
And they're helping to prop up the housing market by snapping up big, expensive houses.
Of course, they're also one of the most educated demographics in America.
And they've even formed associations to get people involved in society and politics.

But balance this against the insidious spread of curry. You've been warned.

Racists Everywhere Applaud Seinfeld's "Kramer"

Atlanta, GA: Members of the KKK's Grand Konclave released a statement today applauding Michael Richard's 'strong stand for traditional American beliefs'. Richards, better known as TV show Seinfeld's "Kramer" recently loose an expletive-laced tirade against blacks at LA club The Laugh Factory. Audience members were said to have been 'surprised' at the outburst.




Representatives from LA's two largest African-American associations, the "Crips" and the "Bloods" said they were 'intrigued' by Richards' remarks and wished to discuss them further in a more private venue. As one member said, "We'll be looking for you, cracker."

Letters from Camp

Hello Pam!

It feels really strange to be writing to you this way, but I don't have email way out here, and cell phones aren't allowed, for obvious reasons. I hope you're doing well and, so I don't forget, please give my love to the family.

I'm really starting to settle in here, and it's great to get away from the stress and tension of the office. You know, I've been working way to hard over the last few years, and I'm really looking at this as more of a sabbatical. You know: a way to catch up on sleep and gain a new perspective on life.

I've been fortunate that my bunkmate has taken me under his wing. Ted's a great guy, and a 'big man' on the block. He's shown me around the exercise field and given me a few tips on 'lunchroom etiquette'. Needles to say I certainly won't jump in line!

I'm even getting used to the (quite strict) dress code around here. I'm 'lobbying' for a better job around here, but I'm not sure how that'll pan out.

Well, I've got to be running along now. It's lights out time, and Ted gets grumpy if I break curfew. I'll see you soon-

Jack Abramoff
Prisoner #007-5189k
Cumberland Prison, Maryland

Cop Tasers Himself (YouTube)

Somewhere, there's a goth teen or a drunk frat boy with a voodoo doll saying "Damn! It WORKS!"

Conservative Canadians: Myth or Legend? The Gay Marriage Debate

Ottawa, Canada - Citizens were stunned recently when they realized that there are conservative Christians in Canada. Political trends have generally veered to the left in this decentralized, anti-authoritarian democracy but, recently, groups of hitherto-unknown right-wing Evangelicals & Catholics have organized rallies and prayer vigils against the 'godless' 2005 Gay Marriage bill.

According to one amazed British Columbian, "This is astounding! Conservative Christians? In Canada? But we've had socialized medicine and legalized marijuana for years! Eh?"

According to Charles McVety, leader of several evangelical Canadian groups, religious conservatives in Canada have several specific goals:

• eliminating all birth control options, including 'pulling out',
  
• banning abortion except for cases when the daughter of a prominent political leader is knocked up,
  
• construction of dozens of new federal and state prisons,
• filling said prisons with drug offenders snared under tough new anti-drug laws.

Even the faithful have been surprised by the fact that religious conservatives comprise a tangible voting bloc in public polls. "Ever since 1988, when the anti-abortion bill failed, I didn't think there were any god-fearing voters left. If we can be successful in rescinding this law, just think of what we can accomplish!"

Trent Lott, Minority Whip: Out with the old, in with the ... old

Today a Lott spokesman proclaimed: "In the recent mid-term elections, voters demanded a change, an end of to the recent scandals. The days of bribery and sexual perversion are behind us. The days of bigotry and pork barrell politics are ahead."

Bush Visits Vietnam: "Irony? What irony?"

"We'll never win if we give up"

Top 10 Things Not to Do With Your Data

Taken from this story, and others.

1. Do not leave fruit directly on top of important computer components. If you do, do not under any circumstances let rot and ooze into the circuits.
2. If you need any data that is on your hard drive, do not reformat the hard drive. Especially 10 times.
3. Do not take flash drives for a swim. Ever.
4. While WD-40 has remarkable lubricating properties, it is not designed to be used inside squeaking computer components.
5. Although it may be perfectly sized, a computer hard drive is not intended for use as a beverage coaster.
6. When using a laptop in a moving helicopter, do not drop the laptop.
7. In the same vein, do not drive over computer components 'accidentally' with a motor vehicle.
8. Do not pour water on the computer. For that matter, try not pouring anything on the computer.
9. When sending in your hard drive for repair, do not wrap it in used socks. They don't provide enough protection during shipment.
10. Unlike other home appliances, computers generally do not work better after you've given them a 'good thumping'.

Election '06: Voter Psychology 101

Or, Why Republicans Lost the Vote in 2006

Cognitive Dissonance: the perception of incompatibility between two thoughts or beliefs. "Since Republicans stand for national security, why don't I feel safer? I'm voting Democrat!"

Transference: a phenomenon in psychology characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings of one person to another. "Our economy sucks - and so does George Bush! I'm voting Democrat!"

Phallic Stage: the third of Freud's psychosexual stages, when awareness of and manipulation of... ah, never mind. " ... Um, I'm just going to vote Democrat!"

Reaction Formation: a defense mechanism in which unacceptable emotions are replaced by their direct opposites. "I wish I was one of Mark Foley's pages. Wait - I mean I'm glad I wasn't. Er, I'm voting Democrat!"

Buyer's Remorse: regretting a purchase after the fact. "I voted for Bush and now the factory's closed, Jimmy's in Iraq and my dog up and died on me. I'm voting Democrat!"

Halo Effect: The tendency of one person's positive or negative traits to spill over to other people. "I saw Mark Green standing next to George Bush and I hate George Bush. I'm voting Democrat!"

Rosy Retrospection: refers to the finding that subjects later rate past events more positively than they had actually rated them when the event occurred. "You know, the Clinton years were really great. I'm voting Democrat!"

Logical Consequence: the relation that holds between a set of or propositions and another proposition when the latter "follows from" the former. "Republicans are hypocrites. Hypocrites are bad. Republicans are bad. I'm voting Democrat!"

Apophenia: the experience of seeing patterns or connections in random or meaningless data. "Iran's developing nuclear weapons. A South Korean was elected to lead the UN. And George Bush is scheduled to visit Vietnam! My God it's a conspiracy to turn our atomic secrets over to our enemies. I'm voting Democrat!"

Valence Effect: the tendency for people to overestimate the likelihood of good things happening rather than bad things. "If I vote blue, the world will change! I'm voting Democrat!"

How The US Developed the Nuclear Bomb I'll Never Know

"I Saw the Sign" Mashup

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding

I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come!"

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up
To get into the light where you belong...

I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?"

But where do you belong?
Under the clear moon
For so many years
I've wondered who you are

Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?"

I answered, "Sir, you know."

And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

How could a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars
Oooooo Is enough, enough

A third of the sun was struck, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of them turned dark. A third of the day was without light, and also a third of the night.

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding

And out of the smoke locusts came down upon the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. They were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any plant or tree, but only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads.

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign

Missing: 1 Bigfoot, Medium Build

Who: Steve Krieger, county highway deer-removal specialist

What: A large, black furry figure reached into the back of Steve's pickup and grabbed two deer carcasses before bounding off into the night.

When: Last Sunday.

Where: Near Holy Hill in Washington County, WI

What we don't know: Was Steve drinking grain alcohol or paint thinner? And where is the grainy, low-resolution video?

Favorite quote: "The only thing that matches that description is a bear or a gorilla, and we don't have a lot of gorillas around here".

Pamol F + Snickers = Survival of Interdepartmental Meeting

Click here to see a mockumentary on Pamol F, the best in Finnish painkillers. It's finn-tastic!

This Week in Headlines

Legions of Child Psychologists Waiting for Sean Preston Federline to Grow Up - Los Angeles Times, 11/7/06

Kylie Minogue Beats Breast Cancer, Manager - People, 11/10/06

Iraqi Police Recruit Hoping to Torture Somebody Before Next Suicide Bombing - Washington Post, 11/9/06

Somalis Battle Over Sand, Gravel - New York Times 11/11/06

War Profiteers Out, Welfare Queens In - San Diego Union-Tribune, 11/8/06

You Make the Call in Vote '06: Playstation 3 vs. X-Box 360 - Cnet.com 11/6/06

That Chevy Nova No Va!

For your edification, dear readers, I humbly submit the following international list of faux pas. Take heed, lest you wind up talking to the wrong end of an automatic rifle as their headman's daughter sobs in the corner.

And if you're somewhere other than the South Bronx, it could be even worse.

From the good people at wikipedia:

• Nicaragua - Calling someone a "cochón"(homosexual), when you really want to buy a "colchón" (mattress).
  
• Brazil - Flashing the American "OK" gesture is considered inappropriate because in Brazil that gesture refers to the anus. [Done in the wrong bar, it might be considered an invitation.]
  
• Portugal - Asking an unfamiliar woman for her age. [Because it's considered polite everywhere else.]
• Italy - Wearing white socks is seen as a sign of weakness or of being a "mamma's boy".
  
• New Zealand - When asked to "bring a plate" to an event such as a party, bring a plate of food and not just a plate.
• Australia - When asked to "bring a plate" to an event such as a party, bring a plate of food and not just a plate. [Apparently this is quite the problem Down Under. And in case you think I'm pulling your leg, here's a link.]
• Philippines - Hide if you want some alone time. Refusing to socialize with anyone, especially if invited, could be considered offensive.
• Arabia - Throughout most of the Middle East the left hand is reserved for bodily hygiene and considered unclean. Thus, the right hand should be used for eating. Shaking hands with one's left hand is considered an insult.
• United States - In most business settings, physical contact should be limited to a handshake at the beginning and end of the meeting. Any unsolicited contact may be responded to with litigation against both the offending party and any business. [Don't I know it.]

Louis Antoine Saint-Just Elected to US House

Baton Rouge, LA: In a press conference delivered today, Democratic Congressman-elect Louis Antoine Saint-Just promised to 'take back Washington' for his constituents.

"It is time that we labored for the happiness of the people. Legislators who are to bring light and order into the world must pursue their course with inexorable tread, fearless and unswerving as the sun." Saint-Just has attracted considerable national scrutiny by openly calling for political purges of Republican appointees and elected representatives.

In a recent speech, the new congressman stated that "Liberty is a bitch who must be bedded on a mattress of corpses. To Republicans I say this: change is coming. The Terror is coming."

Student Groups Demand Freedom From Thought

Salem, OR: Student groups around the nation rallied against opposing viewpoints today, in a series of coordinated demonstrations that Republican-affiliated university organizations found 'chilling'.

According to one bullhorn wielding protester:

"The Student Union demands freedom! We require liberty from being upset by words, images or ideas that oppose or contradict our most cherished beliefs. Reparations for former slaves, the evil of Wal-Mart, the corrupt practices of Starbucks' coffee merchants: these ideals are far too sacred to debate. Censorship is essential in promoting a unified, pacified, and satisfied student body!"

At the Berkeley campus, the students ethics board has introduced the "Pledge of Liberallegiance" and is demanding the ouster of all professors refusing to sign it. Among other demands, it calls for:

• impeaching President George W. Bush,
• banning fur within the borders of the United States,
• ratification of the Kyoto Protocol, the ERA, SALT 2 and the repeal of NAFTA,
• strangling Rush Limbaugh.

Responding to criticism from ACLU president Nadine Strosser that the new demands stifle 'creative freedom and vigorous debate', masked students recently torched ACLU offices nationwide.

It Must Run In The Family

Who: Local morons

When: Yesterday

Where: Memorial High School

What: A 17-year old boy is caught smoking at Memorial High School - which he doesn't attend. His mother comes to school and gets 'belligerent'. [I'm rather curious as to whether she was getting feisty with her son or the police officer. Probably the officer, who obviously has done something wrong.] Mom gets tased. She and her two daughters - who do attend Memorial - are arrested. No word on the boy - presumably, he's the best-behaved of the bunch.

Why: Probably genetics

Favorite quote: "the Taser gun had to be used to de-escalate the threat to a manageable level".

Here's one of Grumps' voters.

Elections

From the Pastor's Pen

by Reverend Sampson Hellfire

As I sit here reading of the trials and tribulations of Reverend Ted Haggard, many things become clear to me. Homosexuality is evil and destructive. It is perverse, immoral and twisted. Above all, homosexuality is a choice!

Brother Ted was known for his sermons against homosexuality. Truly, they were inspired by God; it was as if he spoke to convince everyone, even himself, of the evils of that sick way of life. He had everything: life, family and faith. Truly, the Devil is cunning to seduce such a man and make him select evil.

Brother Ted long opposed the sins of the Sodomites and the Pink Fluffy Ones. Why else would Haggard stake out gay bars early in his ministry and invite gay men to his congregation?

Let this be a lesson to guard carefully the roots of our hearts, lest filth and iniquity find a ready home there.

For does not the bible say: 'From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.'
2 Kings 2:23-24

Praise be to God.

You Never See Bob Barker Outside

You make the call.

New In Brief

'One vs 100' concept replayed outside area tavern.

"Lotto" a key retirement strategy for over 75% of American households.

Hussein concerned that insurgency will bump him from "Iraq's #1 Killer" spot.

Candidate wishes those assholes would stop making ad hominem attacks.

Warren Buffett declares nuclear ambitions.

Democrats propose bill to allow George W. Bush to stand for re-election: "All we need is four more years".

Wisconsin man wonders if voting against the Gay Marriage Ban means that he's homosexual.