It Sure Beats Burmashave

Well, if you've got it you might as well flaunt it. Saint Louis must be pretty popular among the trenchcoat crowd.

No, not that trenchcoat crowd.

Mutually Exclusive Statements

Apparently, the use of guitars and tambourines has irritated the Pope, who loves classical music. "It is possible to modernise holy music," the Pope said, at a concert conducted by Domenico Bartolucci the director of music at the Sistine Chapel. "But it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music."

Excellent. So, we can modernize church hymns and incorporate modern music into the Mass as long as we follow tradtional Gregorian chants and 'sacred polyphonic choral music'.

I'm sorry, I just don't see it.

An Ode Against (For) Common Sense

As the Irish nationalist Arthur O'Conell was being jailed for sedition (1798), he handed out the following poem:

The pomp of courts and pride of kings
I prize above all earthly things;
I love my country; the king
Above all men his praise I sing:
The royal banners are displayed,
And may success the standard aid.

I fain would banish far from hence,
The Rights of Man and Common Sense;
Confusion to his odious reign,
That foe to princes, Thomas Paine!
Defeat and ruin seize the cause
Of France, its liberties and laws!

Of course, if the reader takes the first line of the first stanza, then the first line of the second stanza, and repeats the alternating process with the second, third and fourth lines, and so on, they will have no difficulty in writing out quite a different poem.

Shaken, Not Stirred

Dammit, I drink martinis. Not chocotinis, not appletinis, not bloody flufftinis.

Mar-teen-eees.

Vodka, a misting of dry vermouth, and a single solitary olive. Maybe, if I'm feeling risky, a little olive juice.

Oy.

Sorry. Just had to set that straight.

Out.

The USB Beverage Chiller: Is USB God's Gift to Geeks?

Well, compared to the USB Pencil Sharpener, this product is actually quite useful. Granted that's only because it's a USB pencil sharpener.

Compared to that, an electronic doodad that keeps a third of a soda cool for hours is a stroke of genius. In fact, I think we're seeing the beginning of the USB age, with USB toasters, food processors and hair curlers in the offing.

Is your product too boring, too 'vanilla', too mainstream? Or it may simply be kinda dumb. Well don't fear! Just slap a USB cord on it: instant geek chic!

Yes folks, this is a useful product! Plug it into any of the USB ports on your computer and you'll be able to keep that half-empty beverage of your choice cold for hours. Perfect for you hard-core programmers out there who get lost in the intricacies of machine language. Or perhaps its perfect for you busy bloggers who are too busy scouring the web for drivel.

If you're interested in this or other USB peripherals, I've included a link below. Or you could just start throwing wads of cash out your car windows.

A Many and His Blue Rubber Friend

He grips the shaft carefully in his hand. The blue rubber is slightly yielding, yet firm beneath his fingers, and it grows to a soft pliable head. He checks to make sure it is clean and dry, ploinking it gently beneath his fingers. He slowly inserts the head into his orifice.

As it enters, all sound seems to just...fade away. He is left only with the beat of his heart and his own raspy breathing.

The man probes carefully. The fit is good. The video showed how improper use could cause rupture or dulled sensation, so this is important.

Excellent.

His earplugs are properly situated. He can enter the manufacturing department now.

An Entry from the First Edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica

Woman: The female of man. See HOMO.

From trivia-library.com.

Questioning Your Assumptions

From Neatorama.

Three Gorges Damn

Chinese investigators say activist Fu Xiancai, who was paralyzed after a severe beating, inflicted the blows himself, according to a Human Rights in China (HRIC). Mr. Fu has been a noted critic of the Three Gorges Dam in Hubei Province, and a fierce defender of peasants displaced by the project. Investigators for the government had failed to find anyone else's footprints at the scene of the attack, and had concluded that he must have hit himself. The blow to the back of his neck was so severe that three of his vertebrae were broken, HRIC said.

Investigators later determined that Mr. Fu also hooked up his nuts to a car battery, causing extensive burns in a 'sensitive area' and had ripped his own fingernails out with a set of rusty pliers, later found wiped clean of fingerprints.

HRIC said it was strongly concerned about the independence of the investigation.

In Poker, We Call This a "Bad Beat"

• April 2006 - You are David Carruthers, successful CEO of BetOnSports.com. Your corporation is listed on the London Stock Exchange, market share is growing, and you are the darling of investors.
• Saturday, July 15th - You are planning on a brief layover in Dallas Fort Worth en route to your company's headquarters in Costa Rica.
• Sunday, July 16th - As your plane touches the gritty earth of Texas, you are arrested by Federal marshalls for violating anti-gambling laws.
• Wednesday July 20 - Federal prosecutors unseal a 22-count indictment that accuses your company of fradulently taking money from US citizens and failing to pay excise taxes. BetOnSports.com is forced to completely shut down its wildly popular website.
• Tuesday July 25 - BetOnSports.com announces that : “On July 24, the contract under which David Carruthers acted as C.E.O. of the company was terminated. Clearly, while he remains in the custody of the U.S. government he is unable to perform his duties.”

At Least It's Not All Bad

Detroit may have coined the term "White Flight", it's largest employers Ford & GM are getting slaughtered, it's got the worst crime rate among large metropolitan areas nationally and it can't field a good professional football team to save its life.

But hey, they got a new clock.

Secret Plans

State Department officials today discussed their 'secret plan' to resolve the latest Mid-East crisis by splitting Syria from Iran with a number of peace proposals.

They also went on to outline their strategy to eliminate North Korea as a threat by destroying their 'nukular reactor' in a 'surprise B12 air strike'. They emphasized that this would be successful only if the North Koreans 'didn't move the warheads first'.

North Korean officials were unavailable for comment.

Wal-Mart Names New Public Relations Consultant; Unions Cheer

Wal-Mart announced today that it has hired the ultimate Washington insider as its next head of public relations and government affairs. Unlike other recent moves, however, the recent hiring of Leslie Dach has won the corporation accolades from insiders as well as it traditional opponents, the unions.

Mr. Dach was a prominent Democratic operative who advised President Bill Clinton during the impeachment process.

When interviewed, John Sweeney, president of the AFL-CIO stated carefully "Well sir, we're aware what Mr. Dach accomplished in the past and we feel that Leslie is a man that we can work with."

Said Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott Jr., "We have been so impressed with Les' outstanding work with PR firm Edelman that, when the position came open, we just knew we had to have him."

Edelman, a global PR firm, recently made headlines announcing a distinct preference for companies "that suck".

Mr. Scott went on to say that, "We're looking at other acquisitions as well. For example, we've been in close talks with Ken Lay's former legal team, since they've got some openings now, as well as the marketers behind Phillip Morris and the introduction of New Coke."

"With the talent that we're bringing together, we can't lose!"

USB Pencil Sharpener: Apparently We Still Have Too Much Money

Recently voted Gizmodo's 'Worst USB Peripheral - Ever', it's the USB pencil sharpener. Why is it USB?

Why not?

I think it relies on the USB cable for its 5v power supply; there can't be much in the way of actual data transfer going on.

If you're actually interested in buying one you can do so here.

Kymaro Shape N Slim Post, Redux

One of my most popular posts, in terms of generating traffic has been this Kymaro Shape N Slim post. Presumably, these folks are shoppers and potential buyers of this 'wonderful body smoothing technology' and it must be a little disheartening to run into mockery instead.

And so, I apologize. As a public service, I've included the following link to a Wikipedia article on girdles.

And if you're still interested, I've also included a link to a similar product. It's called the Slim N Shape, from which I deduce that it's similar to Kymaro's famous Shape N Slim. It's also a lot less expensive.

Enjoy!

Let's Not Have a Double Standard - One Standard'll Do Just Fine

I was concerned that the US would be dogged by unfair accusations that we're taking Israel's side in the latest violence between Israel and Hezbollah in Lebanon.

After reading about how we're supplying Israel with high-tech precision bomb 'no questions asked' while preventing the UN Security Council from pushing for a cease-fire, I must admit to being relieved. At this point, any such accusations are quite fair.

Forty Million Dollar Slaves

See this post on a new book by William Rhoden called "Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete".

I haven't read the book. But, because I'm blogging, I feel free to rebut the author's thesis based on a third-hand review of his work. (Ain't life grand?)

In reality professional and semi-professional (college) sports is less about slavery than it is about money.

I wish professional sports was an exception to the rule. But your average corporate CEO (and team owners are just a variant of that breed) makes something like 200 times what the average line worker makes. And it's the line worker that's getting injured on the job and suffering from the slow erosion of their health, whether you're looking at the NFL, General Motors or Toll Brothers construction.

So, it's true that sports owners make a lot more money than their players. It's true that they leverage a dream factory to stay on top. But it's disingenuous to claim that this is in some way unique to the sporting world, or to say that it's more about race than it is money.

Tell me that George Steinbrenner is any different than Don King, under the skin.

A Modest Proposal for Preventing Illegal Immigrants in America from Being a Burden to Our Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

It is a melancholy object to those who travel in the country to see the tragic effects that immigration policy has wrought upon our great nation. I have a simple proposal that, if enacted, should meet the needs of the most ardent conservative while matching the requirements of the most passionate liberal.

Immigration poses a grave threat to homeland security via drug smuggling and potential terrorism. We need to make massive investments, including physical barriers, National Guard deployment and coastal monitoring. However, the dynamism of the United States depends on the young motivated workforce that immigration supplies. Therefore, any immigrants that successfully reach our shores should be immediately granted citizenship.

Unfortunately, immigrants pose a grave threat to native job security and wage growth. Knowingly hiring illegal immigrants must be a felony offense! On the other hand, competitive wages keeps manufacturing jobs within our borders; therefore, we need to increase the number of work visas and maintain a strict workplace non-interference policy on the part of immigration officials.

Finally, illegal immigrants drive up the cost of healthcare and education, while providing billions to social security through W2 deductions. As a result it is only right that we deny foreigners access to our schools and hospitals while providing them Medicare and Social Security benefits.

In reality this modest proposal is only a start. More good ideas are needed, especially around enacting specific ‘English-only’ language policies coupled with vigorous bilingual requirements in public services. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual.

From the AP Newswire!

St Petersburg, Russia (AP) -- President George W. Bush announced a 'bold new move in the war on terror' in a news conference at a news conference today. Speaking at the G8 summit President Bush proclaimed the creation of a special 'judicial mechanism to try terrorism cases without media, social or political influence.'

Congressional leaders are expected to introduce identical versions of the bill, the Selective Terrorism and Anti-Recidivism act on Monday. The brainchild of former Admiral John Poindexter, the so-called STAR Court will have wide-ranging and independent judicial authority to investigate cases of suspected terrorism.

In taped remarks from a remote location, Admiral Poindexter delineated the key features of the new body:

• Justices of the STAR Court will be appointed in secret and for a lifetime term,
  
• All US citizens can appeal directly to the STAR Court by submitting a brief in writing,
• Court sessions will beheld in secret, with no indictments, no right of appeal, no juries, and no witnesses.

In concluding, Admiral Poindexter said that "as I stand here, in the room where the new court will be constituted, I can honestly say that I have never been prouder. This STAR Chamber, if you will, represents the kind of forward thinking and revolutionary ideas that can only have come from current leadership."

From the Author of Brunching Shuttlecocks

The inimitable Lore Sjoberg and a new, odd website, Bad Gods.

Funny Little Observation

Unless you pay absolutely no attention to business news, you've probably heard about the trials and travails of the american auto industry. You know: massive employee buyouts, crippling legacy benefits costs, the inability to, you know, sell many cars.

You've probably heard how maverick investor Kirk Kerkorian's Tracinda Corporation bought a large minority chunk of GM and started agitating for a number of signficant internal reforms. You may have even heard of a possible 3-way Nissan - Renault - GM worldwide alliance (exact structure unknown) to bring the Ghosn magic to an ailing GM.

Meanwhile, FoMoCo has been playing the wallflower to GM's prom queen. No headlines, no mergers, no dramatic news stories. Well, there was this story on how S&P cut Ford's debt rating deeper into junk status. And now this - Ford's slashing its dividend and cutting the salaries of its directors. Here's what an analyst has to say:

“This is a signal that things are worse than probably everybody, both internally and externally, thought.”

It's said that animals can smell infection and run to avoid it. I wonder what Ford's managers and engineers are doing?

Things I Never Expect to See

• Two headbangers discussing how the Hegelian dialectic influenced the developmental progression inherent in the Cannibal Corpse song "Mummified in Barbed Wire"
• UN peacekeepers actually keeping the peace
• Compassionate conversatism
• Bill Clinton turning down either Big Macs or agreeable personal assistants
• Premium Spam
  
• Porkey Pig on Easter Sunday
• An American who loves the French or a Frenchman who loves Americans
• A nun retort "Yo mama!"

Humans and Machines Working Together Can Be Mighty Indeed!

A sensor implanted in a paralysed man's brain has enabled him to control objects through just the power of thought.

Matthew Nagle, 25 at the time of the trial, was left paralysed from the neck down and confined to a wheelchair after a knife attack in 2001. He was the first patient to try out the brain sensor.

Mr Nagle said the sensor had restored some of his independence by allowing him to carry out a number of tasks - such as turning the lights on - that a nurse would normally do for him.

Professor Miguel Nicolelis, a neurobiologist from Duke University, was critical of the research. He told the BBC's Science in Action programme that although some positive signs had been seen for one patient, the paper showed that the technology did not work in the second, older patient.

But, Professor Otto Octavius, an expert in nuclear physics and a noted inventor and lecturer, said "I think this is enormously important because there is real potential for helping people achieve their goals. This opens up entirely new worlds of cooperation between man and machine. I can only imagine what scientists like myself will come up with next!"

World Cup 2006 Finale

"No, no! I said your mother's a terrible bore!"

Gridiron Adventures

What happens when a small liberal arts college starts its first football team? Well..

"This is not to say that the introduction of 100 young men, generally large young men, to a small, predominantly female campus, is accomplished without challenge, college officials said.

"I'll never forget when I first brought 14 recruits, including some big 270-pound linemen, through the dining hall door and all conversation just stopped," Coach Barnes of Shenandoah said. "You could see the looks on the other students' faces that said, 'So this is what's it's going to be like.' And then the 14 recruits ate everything the cafeteria people had, they just emptied them out.

"The head of the dining staff walked out with this stunned look on his face. He whispered to me: 'We're going to have to start ordering a lot more food, aren't we?'

Of course, integrating two different cultures doesn't always go this smoothly..

At Utica College, the new football players clashed with the existing campus social order. "The fraternities on campus ran the social calendar, but the athletes did their own thing and there were some scuffles," Mr. Kemp said. "After parties, we would have five frat guys jump a football player. I kept telling my players that they couldn't fight back.

"When it kept happening, I went before the Greek council on campus and told them I was lifting my no-fighting ban. The next week, 12 frat boys jumped 5 football players, and the 5 football players beat them up pretty good. We haven't had a problem since."

Progress marches on.

Your Face Will Freeze that Way!

...



"I wonder if 'glum' is a verb."

They Call it Ge - No - Cide

Former Mexican president Louis Echeverria recently declared that he is innocent of genocide charges stemming from an alleged massacre of students in 1968. However, in a surprise ruling last week an appeals court sided with the prosecution and determined that there is enough evidence to charge the then-Interior Minister with genocide.

In other news, rumors abound that NAACP President Bruce Gorden and the Reverend Al Sharpton have met with ACLU representatives to consider charging then police chief Daryl Gates with genocide for the alleged 'shoot to kill' policies of the LA police force during the 1992 Rodney King riots.

Similar announcements have been made in recent weeks by the families of the 1970 Kent State shootings and leaders the Uzbekistan protest movement. Charles Manson has strongly denounced plans by the Tate family to level civil genocide suits again him and his followers. Former Chinese Premier Deng Xiopeng has also been sued by Yue Dongyue, one of the leaders of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre for genocide against the Chinese people.

On the political front, House Republican leaders have charged fellow Democrats with attempted 'political genocide' as they plot to reassume control of both Houses of Congress in the fall. "We categorically reject this blatant and unseemly power grab [by the DNC]", said Speaker Dennis Hastert at a press conference today. "This is simply an attempt to disenfranchise our Republican constituency and we strongly oppose this, as well as other, Democratic machinations."

In consumer news, porn star Jenna Jameson (I Dream of Jenna, Please Cum Inside Me) has announced plans to begin filming her latest skin flick "Jenna-Cide 3: Lust against the Wall". She has described it as a "sexy romp through the countryside of Myanmar, Botswana and the 'urban jungle' of Watts".

The gaming world is eagerly anticipating EA's release of "Dictator 4", the latest incarnation of its popular nation-building sim. Said spokesman Jeff Brown, "This game will not only knock your socks off, but kick down the door and execute your entire family. This is genocide on a whole new level!"

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Thursday expressed doubt the Holocaust took place and suggested the Jewish state of Israel be moved to Europe. His comments reflect widespread beliefs in the Arab world, as well as positions taken by a number of Western authors, speakers and ideologues.

British Researchers Declare: "Womb Environment Makes Men Gay"

English scientists recently conducted a study that determined that the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. (Biological brothers that is; step-brothers apparently have no significant impact on sexuality.)

Interesting.

No really, studying the biologial roots of sexuality is a pretty hot area of study right now. No issue with that. But what about the giant leap from empiricism to speculation?

"...the effect is probably the result of a "maternal memory" in the womb for male births. A woman's body may see a male foetus as "foreign", he says, prompting an immune reaction which may grow progressively stronger with each male child."

Well, apparently Melanie Klein's babies were completely rational.

It's been said before that scientific theories often say more about the scientist than they do about the science. That being said, what kind of social upbringing did this guy have?

Overheard at a Wal-Mart

Passing by the changing area:

Harried fifty-ish Wal-Mart employee in standard blue duds, with radio.

"I don't care. We need somebody over here now! We still have somebody stuck in the changing room and we can't get them out."

You Can't Blame This One on Colonialism

Zimbabwe just legalized magic. This one is really beyond words. Enjoy.

You Might Be a Postmodernist If...

• You blast professional sports for their obsession with linear narrative and objective scoring.
• You treat your various social diseases with lemon peel and green tea that your homeopathic herbalist recommended because western medicine represents an oppressive dictatorial metanarrative.
• When your dick falls off as a result of your untreated social diseases, you claim it's a 'anti-phallocentric discourse on womyn's liberation'.
• 'Showering' is just a metanarrative you won't succumb to.
• You voted for George Bush because, although you would prefer to vote for Democrats on principle, you oppose universal principles.
  
• You deconstruct your vacuum cleaner's instruction manual.
• You suffer a crisis of conscience when you learn that St. Augustine of Hippo was actually born in North Africa and so can't be considered a 'Dead White Male'.
• You support the pygmy tribe's decision to decapitate you because, as the headman earnestly explained, it's traditional in their society.
  
• You damn the annual Santa Claus tropes and the reindeer they rode in on.
  

From an nytimes.com article:

So, for now, higher gas prices and interest rates seem to be only irritants for many people here. But they also represent worrying trends. "Sure, I'm feeling the impact," said Willie Poole, 50, a factory worker. "It costs me $75 to fill up the tank on my Chevy Tahoe now. But there's not much I can do about it."

Well, I don't know: try selling the fucking Tahoe and buying a used Toyota Camry.

Or carpool.

Or buy a scooter for your trips to work. Those things get, like, 70 miles to the gallon.

I mean, really.