Somehow, It's More Appropriate Now

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Great words to live by. Check out an NYT Sunday Magazine essay by Michael Pollan.

"Humans deciding what to eat without expert help — something they have been doing with notable success since coming down out of the trees — is seriously unprofitable if you’re a food company, distinctly risky if you’re a nutritionist and just plain boring if you’re a newspaper editor or journalist."

I'm reminded of my great-grandfather, who ate eggs fried in bacon grease, pie for lunch and cigars after dinner for more than 80 years. Or was that George Burns?

Never mind; read the essay anyway.

Jane's Back

Jane Fonda participated in a mass rally against the Iraq war yesterday.

Do you think she'll be visiting an Mehdi Army torture house next?

Have You Heard the News?

The News: Rival students clash in Lebanon university; one dead.

The Leftist: Oh god, now Bush is going to send troops!

The Neocon: Oh God, now Bush has got to send troops!

The Postmodernist: But how do we know what we mean by 'dead'?

The Islamist: The House of Dar al Islam must stop killing its own.

The Stoner: Awesome - the Clash is playing at Leb U!

Pat Robertson: This was foretold in the Book of Revelation. The Rapture is coming soon!

The French: We oppose the US doing anything. Or nothing.

The Sports Fan: But how does if affect the Bears' playoff chances?

Joe Sixpack: Where is Lebanon, anyway?

BMG Surrenders to Shawn Fanning

Major record labels such as BMG and Universal Music privately surrendered to Shawn Fanning, creator of the original music sharing website, Napster.

"You win, Fanning - you win. We'll give you whatever you want - sale via .wavs, .mp3s, whatever.", said BMG chairman Nicholas Firth. "Just call off the Torrents, would you?"

According to one insider, "We realized, after a decade of declining sales, that people weren't going to buy a product they couldn't use. That's when the Ghost of Music Past appeared and showed us the error of our ways."

"If we can't sell the music, at least we can sell the advertising next to it. I'm told that Google has done fairly well with that business model."

Metallica Heads Back to the Studio

In an interview today, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said that the band was heading back to the studio to start working on a new album. "We've taken everything: all the best ideas, lyrics and riffs that we've come up with in the last three years and gone into the studio."

Mr. Ulrich went on to say that the band already had enough material for two good songs. "Not, you know, like "Unforgiven good" but at least "No Leaf Clover good".

Mr. Ulrich concluded the interview by saying "Yeah, we're still bad. So f*ing bad."

With Relief, the Nation Forgets About Martin Luther King For Another Year

According to experts, the thoughtfulness and reflection surrounding Martin Luther King day faded faster than ever this year, with 51% of Americans having forgotten the date of 'MLK Day' by January 17th.

According to Cleveland resident LaWanda Johnson, "You know, I really agree with Dr. King's position on nonviolence, equality and political self-expression. But nowadays his message doesn't speak to our day-to-day worries and needs, like my son Tony, who's in Iraq, and trying to get my daughter Latricia into private school. Public schools around here are a real disaster, you know?"

Other respondents felt the same. Area resident Sam White commented that "We give Martin Luther King one day; we only gave Jesus two days! Jesus goes back in his box by New Year's and it's high time that MLK did the same."

The Ethiopians Are Leaving! The Ethiopians Are Leaving!

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia: In recent weeks, the Ethiopian government has conducted a lightning war against the Islamic Courts movement that had conquered much of Somalia. With support from the internationally-recognized Somalian transitional government, Ethiopian troops have just ousted all radical fighters from the capital, Mogadishu.

Today, Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi announced that the Ethiopian military is set to pull out of Somalia within the next few days. African Union delegates are currently meeting to form a peacekeeping force in support of the fledgling Somalian democracy.

According to sources within the American administration, President Bush has repeatedly contacted the Ethiopians in an attempt to apply the 'African experience' to America's conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Allegedly, President Bush keeps asking, "But don't you need a Surge? What about the Surge?"

... And We're Back

Thank God - I've moved to a civilized little community. I knew I'd fit right in when I saw the sign below:


I'll be fine in any town that has an effective Christian-licensing program.

"At the Tap" Announces Corporate Restructuring

South Beloit, IL: Multimedia company "At the Tap" announced today that it will be relocating its corporate headquarters to the semi-tax haven of Roscoe, Illinois in the near future.

According to an At the Tap spokesman, "While the move will result in a short term cash flow reduction and a drop in liquid capital, Management believes that the long term capital appreciation potential of the move will result in reduced opportunity costs, significant expense reductions and the unlocking of significant shareholder value."

Analysts predict a drop in At the Tap's publishing frequency for the duration of the shift, citing the high probability that the majority of the business' resources will be focused on developing core business systems.

[I close on a condo tomorrow. At the Tap goes on a short hiatus whilst I move my stuff.]

It's a Mac, Mac World

San Francisco, CA: First there was iPod, now there's iPhone. IPhone, introduced by Jobs during his keynote speech at the annual Macworld Conference and Expo, was accompanied by Apple TV, a set-top box that streams video from computers to television.

During a later Q&A session, 11- year-old Tommy Stuart asked, "Mr. Jobs, Apple has really reinvented music players and now - phones. I think they're great, but I don't understand why you don't design a similar kind of computer. I mean, iPods, iPhones; why not an iMac?"

According to witnesses, Mr. Jobs just sighed.

A Public Health Announcement

Last year, a health team swabbed the purses of 100 women in a local mall. The result?

The results of the laboratory tests contained the following most serious result: 1 out of 4 purses contained E COLI. Other extremely serious bacteria also were listed, including Hepatitis.

Ladies, for your health and ours please: stop shitting in your purses.

Thank you.

The Outsourcing Trend Accelerates

Outsourcing isn't just for corporate America anymore! Researchers report that this trend continues to accelerate, with millions of America's young adults and teens busily outsourcing their lives. From social networks like Facebook to FastDater to Tickle, there are a host of companies that cater to practical and ruthless efficiency.

According to recent studies, more than half of American teens use social networks extensively. "It's gr8!", according to MySpace member sweetteen_1987, "Now I can have hundreds of 'friends' without having to interact, speak to or even meet any of them!"

Researchers have also noted a dramatic membership drop in fraternal, veterans' and civic organizations. The average age of a Kiwanis member is now 51, with the average Mason topping 70. The news isn't all bad, however; other community groups such as homeowner and condo associations are expanding rapidly.

Combined with the recent growth of Internet relationships and 'speed dating', Internet shopping (including grocery delivery), and the growth of private gyms and fitness clubs, experts predict that all social interactions will be commoditized within five years. "It's a shame that my parents had to grow up so ... analog", said webmaster Jason Greer, "I can't imagine what it would be like to go out and actually meet strangers - absolutely no quality control at all!"

Village Downsizes Witch

Kensington, CT: Village president Dave Grohl announced today that it would be terminating its long-standing arrangement with area hag and witch, Dorothea Barton. According to Mr. Grohl, changing attitudes were ultimately responsible for the shift.

"With the culture today of 'hooking up' at the expense romance and true love, the market for love potions and charms is way down. And, according to Dorotea, between global warming and el nino, she can hardly call up a rain squall anymore.

"Well, that just leaves us the 'hexes-and-evil-eyes' bit and, frankly, since the battery plant up and left for Mexico, we already have more of that than than we need."

Nationally, the demand for supernatural services has been in slow decline for more than a dozen years. Analysts point to changing tastes in the occult; while fortune telling has seen only a slight erosion in popularity, other forms of black magic like satanism and witchery have simply 'dropped off the map'.

Spokesmen for the crone expressed sadness at the recent decision with the hope that the council might reconsider. Villagers, however, say that they have reached consensus and plan on giving Widder Barton a 'traditional Connecticut send-off'.

What's the state of State?

According to a recent AP article, former president 'Tricky Dick' Nixon vowed to ruin the US Foreign Service.

George Bush has apparently brought in John Negroponte to finish the job.

Hollywood's Sequel Frenzy

Hollywood, CA: Recently, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford have announced new sequels for the Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, and Rambo series. Faced with renewed audience enthusiasm with these hoary film legends, the studios have unveiled several new projects currently on the planning boards, including:

• Pretty Woman II: Back on the Streets. Julia Roberts has announced she will reprise her titular character in a new, 'gritty' film about a 40-something whore thrown back onto the streets by her angry millionaire ex-husband. According to the actress, "It was a role I could really sink my teeth into."
  
• The Magnificent Eight: Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner reprise their famous roles as hired gunmen and mercenaries in this epic western. A Paramount spokesmen said that because of the liberal use of 'movie magic', the chronic case of death of both men won't affect their performance.
  
• Scarface 2 / From Dusk Till Dawn 4. Tony Montana rises from the dead to feast on the blood of his enemies. According to director Quentin Tarentino, " Conceptually this move was a challenge to make, especially because it makes no sense."
• James Bond 22: A Stitch In Time. According to a spokesman, "Mr. Craig makes an excellent Bond and we have already optioned him for Bond 23. However in order to capitalize on the popularity and momentum of Casino Royale, the studio has assembled a movie from outtakes and deleted scenes from the previous 21 films." Critics who have screened the movie report that it has an 'all-star cast' and the most coherent plot of the series.
  

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Ten Extremely Implausible 2007 Predictions

1. The federal government will default on debt when president Bush shifts revenues from a 'tax- and fee-based' system to a free-market 'ad-based' scheme.
2. The Social Security Administration restates its finances and announces sufficient funding for the foreseeable future. During an audit, the SSA discovers that back in the '80s, Harold in Accounting didn't carry a zero.
3. The Democrats, on the heels of the astonishing 2006 mid-term elections, will miraculously avoid self-destruction, coalescing around a single leader and message in a clear bid to re-take the White House.
4. Against all logic, the Iraqi insurgency will fail to collapse with the death of the deposed and powerless dictator Saddam Hussein.
5. 2007's biggest political scandal will involve octogenarian West Virginia senator Robert Byrd, Miss America 2006 Jennifer Berry, 14 pounds of butter and a cockfight.
6. In a stunning change of fortune, American automakers Ford and GM will once again produce vehicles that consumers want to buy, and at a price profitable for themselves.
7. In a "po-tay-to / po-tah-to" moment, Arab & Israeli negotiators will agree to a complete and permanent cessation of hostilities. Surprisingly, they are not immediately executed by the radical wings of their own governments.
8. Faced with a notable loss of interest, celebrity tabloids TMZ.com, the National Enquirer and the New York Daily News fold and shut down operations.
9. The weblog movement will explode in popularity as people realize that blogging truly is 'money for nothing'.
10. Future generations will identify 2007 as the 'Year that Humanity Grew Up'.