New Report Declares: Kim Jong Il Hates Children, Dogs

United States public opinion has swung sharply against North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il in recent weeks after a UNESCO report was published indicating that the reclusive communist despot despises small children and dogs.

Analysts say that the first indication that President Kim despised the most vulnerable members of society occurred in the 1990s, when floods ravaged much of the country. Despite widespread devastation and the failure of successive crop harvests, North Korea turned down international food relief for "reasons of national self-sufficiency". This resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of North Koreans, many of whom were children.

Other actions highlighted in the report include sending spies to execute North Korean teen-age refugees and the sale of nuclear weapons technology to rogue states that could result in the deaths of countless canines.

In addition, visiting dignitaries report that they are officially welcomed by thousands of children who are forced to perform in hours-long synchronized dances. Said one diplomat, "And if that's not inhumane, what is?"

According to Dallas homemaker Kimberly Berman, "I am outraged by North Korea's actions. I didn't approve of the long-range ballistic missile tests earlier this year and now this! What about the children?"

Last month, North Korean spokesman Ban Ruk Tho attacked the report. "This report is an aggressive imperialist attack on the integrity of the DPRK state. On the contrary, Premier Kim loves dogs. They are a delicious source of protein."

After surveys indicated widespread "international disgust" at the remarks, another North Korean spokesman reported that Mr. Ban would no longer be available for comment and was in fact on a 'long holiday'.

Analysts suggest that US-Korean relations may be in for rocky times ahead. Rumors have long swirled around the secretive Korean despot's proclivity to confiscate sweets from infants and run massive prison camps to detain political dissidents. There is speculation that the North Korean regime may take aggressive moves to deflect this latest bout of criticism.