Detroit Removes Head from ... Sand; Acknowledges Reality of High Gas Prices

TOLEDO, Ohio, Aug. 28 -— The Chrysler Group, which is more dependant on sales of heavy, gas-guzzling monstrosities than any other Detroit automaker, said Monday that it expected gasoline prices to remain at ridiculously high levels for the rest of the decade.

The comments by Thomas W. LaSorda, Chrysler'’s chief executive, are the first time a Detroit automaker has formally admitted that it is screwed. They also signal a recognition that the industry may have to start selling the same fuel efficient vehicles, also known as cars, in America that it sells everywhere else in the world.

If Chrysler’s assumptions are correct, it means that Detroit's near terms sales volume will continue to drop through the floor. According to Mr. LaSorda, "at this point we're just hoping that all of Toyota's senior executives drop dead of massive heart attacks or fugu-related poisonings because that's about the only way we'll survive the next five years."

Analyst Jesse Toprak said the Detroit auto companies had been delusional. “They saw high gas prices as a temporary phenomenon,” instead of the inevitable result of a whole bunch of gas-guzzlers guzzling lots of gas.

Things You Can't Do In An RPG

If you've ever played an RPG, or even know people who have, you'll find the list 700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG hilarious, if a little exhausintg. Some of of my favorites:

50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
388. Pursue means 'chase after', not just make called shots to the knees.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.

Kent Press Conference Shocker: Superman Arrested!

Metropolis, Aug 25 - Superhero Clark Kent, also known as Superman, was arrested yesterday as he touched down behind a podium at the Grand Hotel. Mr. Kent was scheduled to appear at a press conference called following allegations that a former senior member of the State Department, Richard Armitage, leaked his identity to the press.

The arrest was shocking and sudden. As Clark Kent was poised to begin reading from a prepared statement, a loud commotion erupted from offstage. As Mr. Kent attempted to speak, four agents of the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) bureau appeared onstage. According to eyewitnesses, the superhero appeared "extremely suprised" as a masked agent slipped a pair of glowing green handcuffs around his wrists.

Later, the Department of Homeland Security spokesman Morgan Edge stated that, "Today representatives of the US Government took a foreign national into custody. Superman is an illegal alien who has made no attempt become a US citizen. He is a dangerous fugitive of uncertain goals and motivations, and a potential terrorist."

When asked whether Superman would be deported, Mr. Edge replied that "all options are on the table". An administration official today said that Superman might be chained to an Atlas rocket and "sent back to Krypton".

Superman to Speak!

Hot from the PR Newswire:

Metropolis, New York August 23, 2006 -- Superman is scheduled to speak at 10am EST Thursday, August 24 2006 at the Grand Hotel, Metropolis. He will make a short statement, followed by a brief Q&A period. Due to availability of seating, attendance will be limited to individuals with a valid press pass. A public statement from the Justice League will be forthcoming.

Speculation is rife regarding the subject of Superman's statement. Thursday will mark the first time Superman has spoken publicly since the "Kentgate" affair first broke in 2003.

New Report Declares: Kim Jong Il Hates Children, Dogs

United States public opinion has swung sharply against North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il in recent weeks after a UNESCO report was published indicating that the reclusive communist despot despises small children and dogs.

Analysts say that the first indication that President Kim despised the most vulnerable members of society occurred in the 1990s, when floods ravaged much of the country. Despite widespread devastation and the failure of successive crop harvests, North Korea turned down international food relief for "reasons of national self-sufficiency". This resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of North Koreans, many of whom were children.

Other actions highlighted in the report include sending spies to execute North Korean teen-age refugees and the sale of nuclear weapons technology to rogue states that could result in the deaths of countless canines.

In addition, visiting dignitaries report that they are officially welcomed by thousands of children who are forced to perform in hours-long synchronized dances. Said one diplomat, "And if that's not inhumane, what is?"

According to Dallas homemaker Kimberly Berman, "I am outraged by North Korea's actions. I didn't approve of the long-range ballistic missile tests earlier this year and now this! What about the children?"

Last month, North Korean spokesman Ban Ruk Tho attacked the report. "This report is an aggressive imperialist attack on the integrity of the DPRK state. On the contrary, Premier Kim loves dogs. They are a delicious source of protein."

After surveys indicated widespread "international disgust" at the remarks, another North Korean spokesman reported that Mr. Ban would no longer be available for comment and was in fact on a 'long holiday'.

Analysts suggest that US-Korean relations may be in for rocky times ahead. Rumors have long swirled around the secretive Korean despot's proclivity to confiscate sweets from infants and run massive prison camps to detain political dissidents. There is speculation that the North Korean regime may take aggressive moves to deflect this latest bout of criticism.

Top Celebrity Books

From an International Trade Weekly report on the top celebrity books of 2010:

• Samuel L. Jackson & the Art of Mother***ng Zen
• The Autobiography of George W. Bush: To Be A Warmonger
  
• Ann Coulter & Eratopublican Love
• The Bristly Embrace of Madeline Albright
• Celine Dion & The Sex Pistols: The Tour
  

Calendars Show Armitage Met Reporter: Superman Revealed!

WASHINGTON - The No. 2 State Department official met with Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane in mid-June 2003, the same time the reporter has testified that a Bush administration official revealed the identity of Superman's alter-ego, Clark Kent.

Official State Department calendars show then-Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage held a one-hour meeting marked "private appointment" with Lane on June 13, 2003.

The Special Prosecutor in the case has investigated whether officials intentionally revealed Mr. Kent's identity as a heroic defender of right and justice to punish him for stopping machiavellian industrialist and strong Bush supporter Lex Luthor's plan to destroy the UN and conquer the world.

When contacted at home, Ms. Lane declined to discuss her meeting with Armitage or the identity of her source in the Superman leak case.

The identity of Lane's source remains a big mystery because the Daily Planet reporter is the first member of the news media known to have discussed Kent's superhero status with an administration official. Lois Lane and Clark Kent, despite being co-workers at the Planet, are reported to not be on speaking terms at the present time.

Repeated attempts to contact Mr. Kent at the Fortress of Solitude have been unsuccessful as of press time.

What Republicans See When They Read the New York Times

Hilarious.

Courtesy of the Huffington Post Contagious Festival.

The Starting Line, Bedroom Talk: Ain't Love Grand?

Lyrics for "Bedroom Talk" taken from The Starting Line's 2005 release Based On A True Story:

I got the talk when I was younger
And understood as I recall,
they hadn't mentioned this at all.
My heart was racing like a sprinter
That tripped and fell
In love with a girl just for tonight and that's all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more
than just once
But I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just tonight

Maybe I'm getting old, but I just don't get emo.

Talking About Giving New Meaning To 'Spray & Pray'

Sorry Ordell, but absolutely, positively, killing every mothe.. person in the room just isn't enough anymore.

You've got to do it with style!

That's why Lauer Custom Weaponry is here - to meet my decorative gun needs.

(Personally, when I refinish my automatic rifle I think I'll go with Lavender!)



What do you think?

As Steve Lauer says, "“There’s a lot of guns. There’s far more than you’d ever imagine.”

Signs I Wish I Could Hang On My Office Wall

"Talking louder doesn't mean you're talking righter."

"If you don't like how I do things, please talk to my manager. He gives even less of a shit than I do."

"I wish you were five years older and had had your ass kicked by a woman a couple of times."

"Of course I make mistakes - I hired you, didn't I?"

"The door swings both ways, dunnit?"

"So what do you- No, but wh- Hey- Sh- Hey, why do- Shut up!"

"Here you're not just a name, you're a number."

I'll Bring the Tongs and Butter!

According to a recent news story,

Environmentalists and fishermen in northern Norway are warning of a Russian invasion of alien crustaceans which are threatening to ruin the local sea fauna.

Giant Russian crabs, eh? Whatever will we do!



I mean really. Let's pretend like we're a predatory, eternally hungry species that'll eat virtually anything on earth and we'll see what we can come up with.

* * *

Threats, Counselling & Ridicule Didn't Work. Let's Try Humor

The US Political Aristocracy

From The Proud Tower by Barbara Tuchman, describing US politics before 1910:

"Well-to-do, long-establish families did not shoulder - but shunned- the responsiblities of government...the adbication of the rich was born out of the success of the American Revolution and the defeat of Hamilton's design to organize the State in the interests of the governing class. Jefferson's principles and Jackson's democracy had won."

What the hell happened?

* * *

Political Statement, Fetish or Hobby: You Make the Call

German police are hunting the 'pranksters' who have been leaving George W flags in piles of poo. From the article:

The series of incidents was originally thought to be some sort of protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. But then when it continued, it was thought to be a protest against George W. Bush's campaign for re-election. But it is still going on and the police say they are completely baffled as to who is to blame.

I just hope that it's a really big dog.

via core77

The Shape n'Slim!

Behold: the Shape 'n Slim (c)!

Yes, with new space age carbon fiber technology you too can lose two sizes in two minutes! This revolutionary new product has been designed by those clever scientists at Kymaro to improve posture, lung function and make you look fabulous!

For an incredible low price of $39.95 - a great new sexy you! And order now to receive a free gift: Shape 'n Lift (the holistic thigh-management system)!

Note: this product is nothing like a girdle.

On the other hand... you can get the same product from Amazon for less than a quarter of the price.

Modern Hymns

As reported here and elsewhere, the Holy Father has called for a return to more traditional hymns.

In an effort to ensure our church music is acceptable and yet accessible, I humbly submit the following list of titles for honorable consideration.

• When We All Get to Heaven, Daddy-O
• Scat of our Fathers
• Drop Kick Me Jesus, into the Barrelhouse of Life
• Christian Soldiers In the Mix

And my favorite:

• A Mighty Hepcat is our God
  

With luck, faithful artists and composers will soon lay down some righteous (and rigorously orthodox) licks.

What Happened to the Big Bad I.R.S?

From a NY Times article:

The federal government is moving to eliminate the jobs of nearly half of the lawyers at the Internal Revenue Service who audit tax returns of some of the wealthiest Americans.

And another one:

So many superrich Americans evade taxes using offshore accounts that law enforcement cannot control the growing misconduct

Strange. Now, maybe I'm seeing black helicopters but it's as if the Republican-controlled executive is attempting to make it more difficult for the government to collect taxes. I know, I know! Call me crazy.