Why Can't We Be A Little More Holistic?

Dear readers, (who are much brighter than me) I'm sure that this is nothing new to you.

'Learning' never ends.
'Charity' begins, but does not end, at home.
'Nutrition' doesn't come in pills or powders.
'Exercise' isn't something that you do four hours a week in the gym.
'Work' happens all the time.
'Food' doesn't come in a box.
'Music' isn't just something to be listened to. It is meant to be played. And danced to.
'Fun' isn't something you do when all else is done.
Life is life. It can't be subdivided.

A Headline I Wish I'd Seen in 1998

He was great in his prime, but am I the only person who read the headline "Madden Decides to Put Down His Microphone" and thought mentally appended "10 years too late"?

Would you like to see Simon Cowell First Stunned, then Entranced?

You may not have known this, but Simon Cowell is also the host of a show similar to American Idol (actually Idol was modelled on this) called Britain's Got Talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

It's beautiful. Seriously. And moving. And you get to see Simon grinning like a mooncalf.

Yes - a mooncalf.

Overheard at the Airport

Dramatis Personae:
*Anonymous Preteen Pepsquad Member (APPM), age approximately 13 years
*Nathan (At the Tap, prop.), age approximately 30 years

APPM (on cell phone, loudly): Hi Mom! Our flight got canceled and we've got to fly, like, through Chicago now.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah. It sucks. It'll be like, another 5 hours before we can get home... Yeah, I will.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah. Ok. See you later - oh wait!

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah, Mom: don't go to Walmart tonight.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: No, I said DON'T GO TO WALMART TONIGHT. There's going to be, like, a gang initiation there.

Nathan: *blinks*

APPM: Yeah... You really don't want to go to Walmart tonight... Yeah, ok. Love you too. (sunnily) Bye!

Apparently this isn't a sea war

From USA Today:

"U.S. combat deaths in Iraq have flattened at the lowest level since the war
began six years ago Thursday, and the Navy has not lost a member to combat in
more than a year.

Three Marines have been killed in combat since August, and
none since December, records show. The Air Force hasn't had a combat death since April, and the Navy since February 2008. "

Well, no shit. It's not like we're traiding 20mm shells with Iraqi task force groups.

Well, If It Needs to Be at Least 100 Proof...

From an article entitled "Top 10 Weird Uses for Vodka":

"Many people have reported that if they immediately pour vodka over an area that has contacted poison ivy, the alcohol will wash away the culprit, urushiol oil, and they won't experience an uncomfortable reaction. Some have said that the vodka needs to be at least 100 proof to work.

Others have argued that straight rubbing alcohol works better, but we're guessing you may not have that as handy if you are on your average picnic."

And who the hell packs straight 100-proof vodka to an 'average' picnic? Your summertime daytrips must be more interesting than mine.

Have you heard the mother of all funk chords?

A well done mash-up, if you're into mash-ups.

Why I'm Not A Nationally-Syndicated Advice Columnist

Can Gossip Be Good?

Q: The only thing my two sisters and I have in common is celebrity gossip. We love our three-way sessions. Is it so bad to gossip if it's something we love and enjoy? - C.P., New Mexico

A (nationally syndicated advice columnist - abridged): My first reaction: Who doesn't have a few bonding moments over celebrity gossip? I can't count how many times I have called a friend or relative to talk about tabloid stuff -- and relate it to personal experiences. ...

Bottom line: It's OK to let idle gossip into a conversation, as long as you use it for clues to talk about what's really on the minds of your family members or friends.

A (me): Jesus.

You mean to tell me that three sisters who, presumably, have known each other all your lives and have known and shared the most intimate details of your lives have nothing better or more significant to talk about than celebrity gossip?

You either need to do more or talk less.

I mean, shit, not only are you morally bankrupt - you're not even interesting. What a vacant and empty life. Let's compare: the Marquis de Sade may have been an absolute shit, but as least his life was interesting. At least it was a life.

You mentioned three-ways. Go out. Have one. Hell, start a knitting club, get a foreign exchange student, get a dog - do something. Repeat to yourself: I must have a meaningful life experience before I'm allowed to talk to my sisters. Now, go.

Damn.

Ted Strickland Must Be Thrilled

Who is Ted Strickland?

The governor of Ohio.

Why is he thrilled?

Because Ohio is, bar none, one of the most affordable places to live in the United States. According to the National Association of Home Builders:

10 Most Affordable Cities in the US
#7 Dayton
#8 Akron
#9 Cleveland Metro
(Ohio can also claim part of #3, Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, split with Pennsylvania)

And also:

10 Most Affordable Cities under 500,000
#2 Sandusky, OH
#3 Lima, OH
#4 Springfield, OH
#7 Canton-Massillon, OH

In the context of our times of course, "affordable" may be a euphemism for "whose economy resembles a giant sucking hole in the ground". Thus, this may be considered faint praise.

Din-Dins In Hell!

Normally I'd just post the entire image, but this is one you really have to see in its native environment.  Really - check it out.

Feeling Low?

Before Prohibition, wives with husbands tarryin' too long at the local tavern had an option: the time-tested White Star Liquor Cure, sold by those stalwarts Sears & Roebuck.  Slip it in his evening coffee, and mr. Mister won't be straying.

Main ingredient?  Tincture of opium.

Of course, wives whose husbands became afflicted with opium or morphine dependency also had an option: Sears White Star Opium Cure.

Main ingredient?  Chemically indistinguishable from Old Crow.

God, I love marketing.

I Think They Might Be On To Something Here!

Newspapers on the Internet is a crazy idea but it just might work...

If Ovid Listened To His Parents, He Would Have Been An Etrurian Accountant

And he wouldn't have died alone in Hungarian exile.  But he wouldn't have written Ars Amatoria, either.

The more things change the more they stay the same:

Ovid: Dad, I want to become a poet!

Ovid's Father: Homer died poor, son.  Have you thought about accountancy?

I wonder if Ovid would have done it over again if he'd had a second chance?

Monster Manual Comix: Troll

If you have never been to Bad Gods, it's time you checked it out (at least, if your humor tends to the geeky side of life). I don't want to spoil the ending, so here's the setup:

Click here to see the rest.

More Words of Advice

When you next visit your local supermarket and you see an employee at a booth talking about a new dog food product, don't ask for a free taste test.

You get an awful dirty look.

An Abomination by Sting (Roxanne)

Microsoft Songsmith is a program that automatically builds musical accompaniment to any vocal tune.  Here is the classic Sting song Roxanne a la Songsmith...



Personally I think it loses something in translation.

Words of Advice

Never confuse the words 'diuretic' and 'emetic'.

Encomium GWB

It just seemed appropriate:

How to Protect Yourself from Yourself, E-Version

You can tell that 'gmail' (Google's version of email) has been written by and for young adults.

I missed this the first time around, but last October Google implemented a feature called 'Mail Goggles' that "will check that you're really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind?"

That's right: if you're not in a "state of mind" capable of subtracting 43 from 62, you won't be able to send that righteous email to all your co-workers, friends and family.

Come to think of it...that's not a bad idea...hrm.

Beware Curmudgeons

To everyone who's said "winters nowadays aren't like when I was a kid", well:

To hell with you!