Why I'm Not A Nationally-Syndicated Advice Columnist

Can Gossip Be Good?

Q: The only thing my two sisters and I have in common is celebrity gossip. We love our three-way sessions. Is it so bad to gossip if it's something we love and enjoy? - C.P., New Mexico

A (nationally syndicated advice columnist - abridged): My first reaction: Who doesn't have a few bonding moments over celebrity gossip? I can't count how many times I have called a friend or relative to talk about tabloid stuff -- and relate it to personal experiences. ...

Bottom line: It's OK to let idle gossip into a conversation, as long as you use it for clues to talk about what's really on the minds of your family members or friends.

A (me): Jesus.

You mean to tell me that three sisters who, presumably, have known each other all your lives and have known and shared the most intimate details of your lives have nothing better or more significant to talk about than celebrity gossip?

You either need to do more or talk less.

I mean, shit, not only are you morally bankrupt - you're not even interesting. What a vacant and empty life. Let's compare: the Marquis de Sade may have been an absolute shit, but as least his life was interesting. At least it was a life.

You mentioned three-ways. Go out. Have one. Hell, start a knitting club, get a foreign exchange student, get a dog - do something. Repeat to yourself: I must have a meaningful life experience before I'm allowed to talk to my sisters. Now, go.

Damn.