Bush Introduces New 'Two Minute Hate'

Washington DC: President George W. Bush announced a daily 'Two Minute Hate' that all Americans would be required to attend. Special televisions will be installed in homes and businesses throughout the nation to allow each and every American - even those yet unborn - to "lend their mandatory participation" to the event.

Producers were quiet about the introductory video, but did say that it would likely feature Osama Bin-Laden and the noise of "of some monstrous machine running without oil".

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Brief post. Been out of town on business.

To make a long story short: Orlando was lovely, the hotel was amazing, it's cold up here and goddamn O'Hare.

That about sums it up.

Bentley Tells It Like It Is

From here...

Overheard

Reblican Congressman Ray LaHood: "Mark Foley? Isn't he a sexual predator, Dennis?"

Speaker Dennis Hastert: "Yes, but he's our sexual predator."

Stop hiding and start living, with tequila

If Pfizer marketed tequila, it would probably sound something like this.

"Warning: consumption of alchohol may think you're whispering when you're not."

"Korn" Just A Bunch Of Old Maids

In a press conference today, lead vocalist Jonathan Davis announced that alt-metal group Korn was 'washed up'.

"Well, we had a good run, from our first release Korn to the huge Issues. We really changed the direction of heavy metal in the 90's. But lately, our main focus is to milk this thing out while we can." Mr. Davis continued, "We put out a Greatest Hits back in '04, which is usually the kiss of death when it comes to a group's creativity. But as long as we're selling out, we've released both a rarities and an unplugged album this year."

The group has no plans to release any new material in the near future, but is working on a multi-disk 'platinum' set and a various re-mastered retrospectives. Korn is also rumored to be working on a 'covers' album of other great metal artists.

According to Des Moines, Iowa fan and supermarket clerk Tim Berkowitz, "Korn? Didn't they break up back in the 90s?"

Well, thanks for the post Grumps. My traffic has jumped more than a collie eating poppyseed muffins.

Ok, so folksy metaphores aren't my thing.

For you new folks out there (and considering my historic site traffic, most of you are definitely new), I wanted to post something about what At The Tap is about.

Well, first I ... aw, screw this. You know what I'm about. Instead, check this out:


An oldie but goodie. This is my political humor, by the way. People like it when you're topical.

Libertarian Party Supports Somalia

Washington, DC - Libertarian Party officials expressed open admiration for Somalia today, calling it 'the perfect Libertarian society'. Somalia, a small nation occupying the eastern tip of Africa has been without a functioning government since 1991, when rebels ousted cold war dictator Mohammed Siad Barre. Since that time, Somalians have been free of government, taxation, law, basic sanitation, and even mail delivery.

"Somalia is the first country to move beyond the dead-end 'nation state' concept, and is a perfect example of the benefits that accrue under minimal government, less taxes and absolute personal freedom."

Meanwhile, interim Somalian Prime Minister Ali Mohamed Gedi repeated his call for an international peacekeeping force that is desperately needed to stop the advance of Islamic radicals and terrorists. He urged the international community to "act very soon."

Baby Smokes Dope, Mom Sent to Jail - What's the World Coming To?

From Reuters:

Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong..

I bet she didn't even put a nipple on it.

Area Man Wishes He Could Be Rich

Sandusky, OH resident John Jacobs said today that he wishes he could be rich. "Don't get me wrong; I'm doing ok. I know that I'll never be a millionaire though, not on seventy grand a year."

Mr. Jacobs lamented the fact that he's not a great athlete, or a financial genius. "You know, I keep hearing that this generation is going to be the first that isn't as well off as our parents'. I believe it too; after the car payment, the boat payment, the mortgage... heck, I've got almost nothing left at the end of the month."


"I know I'll never be able to own a Lexus, which is why I lease one," explained Mr. Jacobs, reclining on his leather sofa in front of his 60" plasma television. "Oh well. Like the man says: 'Grant me the courage to accept the things I can not change', right?"

Second Life?

A spokesman for Linden Lab, the company behind popular online roleplaying game Second Life, reported today that its users spend "more time playing Second Life than they do on their actual, you know, lives."

According to promotional literature, Second Life "is a 3-D virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents." Also known as an MMPORG (for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), players create online personalities known as 'avatars'.

They can spend hundreds or thousands of dollars - or more - on clothes, real estate and digital possessions. According to a recent Popular Science article, Second Life has a GDP of over $64 million USD.

A Second Life 'hobbyist', Jim Gorunek said that "I have a 4,000 square foot virtual house, a tailored wardrobe, and, oh!, let me show you my flying battleship." Mr. Gorunek, who telecommutes from his Oakland studio apartement, said that only a small minority of gamers lose their sense of proportion regarding the game. "I mean, if you build your own space station or create a virtual army or something; wow, that's out there."

According to a statement, Linden Lab "fully supports its players' lifestyle. Although they may spend more on Second Life than they do on personal grooming products, this is a healthy and enjoyable hobby."

Ever Listen To Top 40 Radio?

From Bad Gods:

Shocking New Evidence: Rome Burned, Nero Fiddled, People Danced!

Researchers at the American University of Rome announced shocking new archaelogical evidence: the discovery of a diary written by a young commoner during the reign of the Roman Emperor Nero.

Researchers are slowly translating the record; among the first excerpts to be released is the following, written during the Great Fire of Rome July 18th, 64:

There must have been thousands of people there. The emperor's playing was simply marvellous, and the burning Christian Quarter gave a lovely light. We danced for hours, finally retiring when the light of rosy-fingered Eos [dawn] replaced that of Vulcan!

According to historians, the early years of the millienium were extremely tempestuous. Rome was being colonized by immigrants whose faith and culture were hostile to society's norms. War was endemic, and the entire Roman military was committed to the field in many foreign nations. At home, the Empire was ruled by a deranged and fanatical dictator.

Historians expressed amazement that, under such conditions, commoners could dance while the upper class was destroying their way of life. "It goes to show that, despite the many similarities between modern and ancient societies," said lead researcher Chuck Davis, "some aspects of the Roman personality simply can't be understood today."

Ice Cream Stand Employee Announces Management Buy Out Offer

Machesney Park, IL Sept 22 - Rick Donnelly, CEO of Smith's Ice Cream Shoppe formally announced plans to make an offer for a majority stake in the firm.

Smith's has fallen on hard times lately, a condition that Mr. Donnelly attributed to market consolidation and tough foreign competition. "Rajit's Ice Cream Emporium three blocks over opened last summer and they've been just eating our lunch", said Mr. Donnelly yesterday. "It's going to take new vision and direction to save this company."

In addition, the Ice Cream Shoppe has suffered a number of recent mis-steps, including erratic office hours and repeated delays of a widely-anticipated 'Slushee' initiative. "Technical problems, man, technical problems," claimed Mr. Donnelly. "And that's not all either. I keep hearing rumors of union activity - and that could be the last straw that shuts us down."

Mr. Donnelly, who is the Ice Cream Shoppe's sole employee in addition to being the CEO and CFO of the organization, has announced several deals with private equity investors. "I've got about $500 saved up, and my parents said that they'd chip in at least $3,500. Oh, and my brother John said he'd help out too."

Mr. Donnelly summed up his position, "Tom Smith better think long and hard about my proposal. After all, construction is just killing our business: the community pool going in across the street and the rec center down the road have got traffic all tied up."

"Of course I'll pay top dollar for this place: after all, who knows the business better than I do?"

Satirist Reports Job Getting More Difficult

Noted satirist and author Max Gillies reported today that it was getting 'exponentially harder' to come up with a topic to ridicule.

"It's getting to be next to impossible," said Mr. Gillies today. "I mean, there was a time when I could always come up with a headline like "President Reagan Declares War On Philatelists" and fill in the details. Now, I can publish "Bush Declares 'Screw the Budget' Initiative" and two days later I read that the bastard has announced a manned mission to Mars."

According to a Pew Research Study, Americans' ability to detect satire or sarcasm has been dropping for decades. Recent surveys have shown that stories like "Angel's Bones Discovered In Satanic Stewpot", "Luxembourg Conquers France", and "Bush Announces Support For Mid-East Peace" were accepted without question by a majority of the US public.

"Nope, there's no place for a satirist in a world where Hugo Chavez is applauded in the UN, Al Gore runs a network aimed at hip teenagers and Arnold Swarzenegger, that swine, stands for family values", complained Mr Gillies. "I mean, how can America still be fouled by the stinking breath of Ann Coulter?"

Wisconsin State Journal Surrenders

Friday Sept 22- The Wisconsin State Journal formally admitted 'unconditional and total' surrender in its pursuit of journalistic excellence or original reporting.

A senior staff member admitted, "Frankly we've been heading in this direction for a while. It all started with the 'advertainment' articles and puff pieces in the Sunday section. Then we started culling the more demanding stories - national economics, international politics; really we pulled anthing more challenging than what you could find on Springer.

"When nobody objected, we cleaned out 'Business', gutted 'World' and kept cutting until you could fit everything significant on the back of a matchbook cover."

"Finally, we decided - what the hell - since it's all pap anyway, we'll conduct an online poll to determine the lead story. Now sports leads four days out of five."

In a statement, the Wisconsin State Journal announced its 'Way Forward':

• The National section will consist of professional and collegiate sports, with local semi-pro and high school sports rounding out Local.
• All remaining stories will be consolidated into two new sections: Happy, featuring topics like comic strips, crossword puzzles and uplifting human interest stories; and Sad, containing information about traffic accidents, obituaries and the Green Bay Packers.

In conclusion, the press release reported that "the people of Wisconsin have spoken, and we will bow to the wishes of the lowest common denominator. Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda

As first reported in America's Finest News Source, The Onion:

MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful King Friday XIII political machine is expected to pass this week and deeply affect current taxation structure, voting patterns, and services. "Meow-me-meow can't afford meow property tax as it stands now meow, and meow don't want everything I've worked for to be destroyed meow," said one resident, who asked to remain anonymous. Among the anticipated changes are sharp cutbacks in speedy deliveries, the elimination of trolley routes to such low-income districts as Someplace Else and the platypus mound, as well as the destruction of the Museum-Go-Round to make room for a massive new headquarters for The Electric Company.

Equal Parts Innovative Design and Simply Gross

From the Website:

Anhelus gathers the water intended for the baptism from the air of the congregation - water condensing on the cool brass point drips into the suspended basin. Since the humidity is increased by the breath of the people (lungs convert oxygen into water and CO2) and likewise by perspiration, all persons present in a sense participate in the act of baptism in which a new member is received into the Christian congregation.

My reaction:

Ewww...

Wal-Mart to Start New 'Sam's Church' Chain

Walmart announced today that it is adding a new division to its Super WalMart franchise, "Sam's Church". It has already published plans to train up to 1,500 employees in a six-week theological correspondence course.

The new employees, known as Clerical Associates, will be available to conduct weddings, funerals and a standard Christian Mass. Said Wal-Mart John Davis, "Wal-Mart is emphasizing a new and streamlined Christianity. By simplifying the faith, we're making it even easier to Be a Believer."

Despite opposition from mainstream religious organizations, industry analysts predicted that the rollout would be a major success. Said one analyst: "The combination of convenience and low-cost will be irrestible for consumers. The ease of your wedding registry, haircut, suit and pictures all in one place means that Sam's Church can't be beat. The priest may have a marginal understanding of doctrine, the altar may be made of a white UHMW plastic and you could find the same benches in a bus terminal, but we're confidant that the majority of american consumers won't be able to tell the difference."

Carl Spackler Cackles; Several Orders of Rodentia Tremble

Behold the Rodenator.

From the manufacturer's website:

The Rodenator Pro is safe and environmentally friendly. The Rodenator Pro uses a controlled mixture of propane and oxygen that is injected into the rodents burrow. A built-in, self contained ignition system then ignites the mixture, creating an underground shockwave or concussion that instantly eliminates the rodent and collapses the tunnel system of most burrowing rodents species.

Suggested tagline: "A new weapon in the arsenals of golfcourse groundskeepers everywhere."



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