"It's the Gobi Desert. There's Not Much Other Use For It."

Wind power. I love it - even communists (capitalists?) can't deny its potential.

This Is Why You Should Fill Out the "Comments" Section

Those nice folks over at Zagat finished their 2009 Survey, restaurant-style. Copied below are some pretty amusing outtakes from the survey responses. If you would like to play a game, tray and match where the likely eatery to their comment! (Unfortunately we'll never know for sure.)

If mayonnaise were currency, these guys could fund the bailout.

Had a bad experience with a sandwich and a rubber glove.

My children loved it when they were younger, but now they have taste buds.

All the major food groups represented: salt, fat and carbs.

Noisier than the engine room on a tramp freighter.

Service blows harder than a Kansas tornado.

Low-end burgers in a world of Formica.

They use so much cornstarch that the state of Iowa should erect a monument to them.

Usually dreadful, sometimes rises to awful.

The story of my last visit had a big dead bug in the punch line.

Their cheese has never met a cow, nor been in the same room as one.

Looks like the kitchen staff is on a prison work-release program.

Food doesn't taste much better than the facilities smell.

Bad pizza, loud noise, stupid games and every child under eight wants to go there.

Never an extra charge for that strand of hair in your tuna melt.

Slowest fast food anywhere.

Eleven herbs and spices but eight of them are salt.

Good morning heartburn.

They might as well fry the drinks – everything else is prepared that way.

A wine list straight from 7-Eleven.

Steaks as tough as a longshoreman.

A childhood pleasure, an adult nightmare.

Where everybody knows your name because everyone is named Bubba.

Mediocrity would be a step up for this chain.

A blight on the suburban landscape.

If the food doesn't kill you the noise will.

Who cares about healthy options when you are seven years old?

I got a band-aid in an onion ring there 40 years ago.

Are those fruit toppings or melted crayons?

I tend to lose my enthusiasm as the grease begins to run down my arm.

Ground zero for the blandification of America.

They don't have chefs, they have food warmers.

Avoid this restaurant like the plague, which you might be able to catch at a few of its locations.

My concept of what hell must be like.

Another choice for truly desperate times.

I Saw It On Slashdot...

Re:It's Not About Science (Score:5, Funny)

by glwtta (532858) on Saturday May 23, @02:36PM (#28068469) Homepage

Not every single work of fiction is some deep allegory for some aspect of the human condition. Pong is not about the futility of existence. 

You have an admirably liberal definition of "work of fiction". 

And it is.

http://entertainment.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=09/05/23/1552241&from=rss

Something that made me chuckle

In yesterday's Chicago Tribune "10 things you might not know about Modern art":

#2 Georgia O'Keeffe's flower paintings have fascinated many people but fuss annoyed the artist. She once told art critic Emily Genauer: "I hate flowers - I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move."

Why Can't We Be A Little More Holistic?

Dear readers, (who are much brighter than me) I'm sure that this is nothing new to you.

'Learning' never ends.
'Charity' begins, but does not end, at home.
'Nutrition' doesn't come in pills or powders.
'Exercise' isn't something that you do four hours a week in the gym.
'Work' happens all the time.
'Food' doesn't come in a box.
'Music' isn't just something to be listened to. It is meant to be played. And danced to.
'Fun' isn't something you do when all else is done.
Life is life. It can't be subdivided.

A Headline I Wish I'd Seen in 1998

He was great in his prime, but am I the only person who read the headline "Madden Decides to Put Down His Microphone" and thought mentally appended "10 years too late"?

Would you like to see Simon Cowell First Stunned, then Entranced?

You may not have known this, but Simon Cowell is also the host of a show similar to American Idol (actually Idol was modelled on this) called Britain's Got Talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

It's beautiful. Seriously. And moving. And you get to see Simon grinning like a mooncalf.

Yes - a mooncalf.

Overheard at the Airport

Dramatis Personae:
*Anonymous Preteen Pepsquad Member (APPM), age approximately 13 years
*Nathan (At the Tap, prop.), age approximately 30 years

APPM (on cell phone, loudly): Hi Mom! Our flight got canceled and we've got to fly, like, through Chicago now.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah. It sucks. It'll be like, another 5 hours before we can get home... Yeah, I will.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah. Ok. See you later - oh wait!

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: Yeah, Mom: don't go to Walmart tonight.

Nathan: (waits to board)

APPM: No, I said DON'T GO TO WALMART TONIGHT. There's going to be, like, a gang initiation there.

Nathan: *blinks*

APPM: Yeah... You really don't want to go to Walmart tonight... Yeah, ok. Love you too. (sunnily) Bye!

Apparently this isn't a sea war

From USA Today:

"U.S. combat deaths in Iraq have flattened at the lowest level since the war
began six years ago Thursday, and the Navy has not lost a member to combat in
more than a year.

Three Marines have been killed in combat since August, and
none since December, records show. The Air Force hasn't had a combat death since April, and the Navy since February 2008. "

Well, no shit. It's not like we're traiding 20mm shells with Iraqi task force groups.

Well, If It Needs to Be at Least 100 Proof...

From an article entitled "Top 10 Weird Uses for Vodka":

"Many people have reported that if they immediately pour vodka over an area that has contacted poison ivy, the alcohol will wash away the culprit, urushiol oil, and they won't experience an uncomfortable reaction. Some have said that the vodka needs to be at least 100 proof to work.

Others have argued that straight rubbing alcohol works better, but we're guessing you may not have that as handy if you are on your average picnic."

And who the hell packs straight 100-proof vodka to an 'average' picnic? Your summertime daytrips must be more interesting than mine.

Have you heard the mother of all funk chords?

A well done mash-up, if you're into mash-ups.

Why I'm Not A Nationally-Syndicated Advice Columnist

Can Gossip Be Good?

Q: The only thing my two sisters and I have in common is celebrity gossip. We love our three-way sessions. Is it so bad to gossip if it's something we love and enjoy? - C.P., New Mexico

A (nationally syndicated advice columnist - abridged): My first reaction: Who doesn't have a few bonding moments over celebrity gossip? I can't count how many times I have called a friend or relative to talk about tabloid stuff -- and relate it to personal experiences. ...

Bottom line: It's OK to let idle gossip into a conversation, as long as you use it for clues to talk about what's really on the minds of your family members or friends.

A (me): Jesus.

You mean to tell me that three sisters who, presumably, have known each other all your lives and have known and shared the most intimate details of your lives have nothing better or more significant to talk about than celebrity gossip?

You either need to do more or talk less.

I mean, shit, not only are you morally bankrupt - you're not even interesting. What a vacant and empty life. Let's compare: the Marquis de Sade may have been an absolute shit, but as least his life was interesting. At least it was a life.

You mentioned three-ways. Go out. Have one. Hell, start a knitting club, get a foreign exchange student, get a dog - do something. Repeat to yourself: I must have a meaningful life experience before I'm allowed to talk to my sisters. Now, go.

Damn.

Ted Strickland Must Be Thrilled

Who is Ted Strickland?

The governor of Ohio.

Why is he thrilled?

Because Ohio is, bar none, one of the most affordable places to live in the United States. According to the National Association of Home Builders:

10 Most Affordable Cities in the US
#7 Dayton
#8 Akron
#9 Cleveland Metro
(Ohio can also claim part of #3, Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, split with Pennsylvania)

And also:

10 Most Affordable Cities under 500,000
#2 Sandusky, OH
#3 Lima, OH
#4 Springfield, OH
#7 Canton-Massillon, OH

In the context of our times of course, "affordable" may be a euphemism for "whose economy resembles a giant sucking hole in the ground". Thus, this may be considered faint praise.

Din-Dins In Hell!

Normally I'd just post the entire image, but this is one you really have to see in its native environment.  Really - check it out.

Feeling Low?

Before Prohibition, wives with husbands tarryin' too long at the local tavern had an option: the time-tested White Star Liquor Cure, sold by those stalwarts Sears & Roebuck.  Slip it in his evening coffee, and mr. Mister won't be straying.

Main ingredient?  Tincture of opium.

Of course, wives whose husbands became afflicted with opium or morphine dependency also had an option: Sears White Star Opium Cure.

Main ingredient?  Chemically indistinguishable from Old Crow.

God, I love marketing.

I Think They Might Be On To Something Here!

Newspapers on the Internet is a crazy idea but it just might work...

If Ovid Listened To His Parents, He Would Have Been An Etrurian Accountant

And he wouldn't have died alone in Hungarian exile.  But he wouldn't have written Ars Amatoria, either.

The more things change the more they stay the same:

Ovid: Dad, I want to become a poet!

Ovid's Father: Homer died poor, son.  Have you thought about accountancy?

I wonder if Ovid would have done it over again if he'd had a second chance?

Monster Manual Comix: Troll

If you have never been to Bad Gods, it's time you checked it out (at least, if your humor tends to the geeky side of life). I don't want to spoil the ending, so here's the setup:

Click here to see the rest.

More Words of Advice

When you next visit your local supermarket and you see an employee at a booth talking about a new dog food product, don't ask for a free taste test.

You get an awful dirty look.

An Abomination by Sting (Roxanne)

Microsoft Songsmith is a program that automatically builds musical accompaniment to any vocal tune.  Here is the classic Sting song Roxanne a la Songsmith...



Personally I think it loses something in translation.

Words of Advice

Never confuse the words 'diuretic' and 'emetic'.

Encomium GWB

It just seemed appropriate:

How to Protect Yourself from Yourself, E-Version

You can tell that 'gmail' (Google's version of email) has been written by and for young adults.

I missed this the first time around, but last October Google implemented a feature called 'Mail Goggles' that "will check that you're really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind?"

That's right: if you're not in a "state of mind" capable of subtracting 43 from 62, you won't be able to send that righteous email to all your co-workers, friends and family.

Come to think of it...that's not a bad idea...hrm.

Beware Curmudgeons

To everyone who's said "winters nowadays aren't like when I was a kid", well:

To hell with you!

Kindergarten Student Steals Car & Blames Grand Theft Auto

Perhaps we should clarify the headline first.  According to a news article: 

The six-year-old Virginia tyke didn't actually blame Grand Theft Auto for the car heist, but did tell authorities afterwards that the game taught him how to drive. Early Monday morning, the little guy hopped into his parents' Ford Taurus instead of taking the big yellow bus, and managed to drive it a surprising six miles before slipping over an embankment into a utility pole not far from school.

No word yet on the (probably inevitable) lawsuits.  I do wonder why the kid's parents allowed him to play a game described as being "all about maintaining your street cred as a criminal. The local crime bosses send you out on missions ranging from carjacking to kidnapping to drug running..."

Perhaps we should all be thankful he wasn't playing 1943.

"Design" Won't Save the World

It's as good a time as any (and better than most) to re-evaluate how we contribute to society. (thanks to QBN)

Geat Stories (As Written By George W Bush)

Ok, so the Reign of Terror is almost over - but that just means I gotta get my last parting shot in.  

So, for your enjoyment here are ten great books with titles as if written by George W. Bush (real titles below).  See if you can guess them all!

10.  Rove's Ministry of Truth

9. Don't Drink the Wine

8. Didn't They Have Tanks?

7. She's a Hoor!

6. The Great Buchanans

5. I Don't Know What This Is, But It Ain't English

4. Death's A-Comin' For Ya

3. Big Sharks What're Gonna Eat Ya

2. Jesus Never Told Me He Fooled Around

1. The Most Important Book of the 20th Century

...

10. 1984

9. The Cask of Amontillado

8. All Quiet on the Western Front

7. The Scarlet Letter

6. The Great Gatsby

5. Ulysses

4. Appointment in Samarra

3. Jaws

2. The Da Vinci Code

1. Left Behind

A Touch of Irony for a Tuesday

The Statue of Freedom, which crowns the dome of the US capitol, was originally cast by a slave named Philip Reid.

Do you think the owners bothered to tell him what he was working on?

It all worked out in the end though: the Civil War wrapped up a little over a year later and Reid was granted his freedom.

But Do They Have A Merit Badge In 'Girls'?

As reported by those nice folks at All Things Considered:

"Shawn Goldsmith has accomplished a rare feat for a Boy Scout — he earned all 121 merit badges available. You only need 21 to get the title "Eagle" Scout. "If I run into a stranger, there's definitely something to talk about. I have 121 topics to talk about," he says when asked why he did it."

Impressive and laudable or obsessive and weird? You make the call!

"Vikings think they are built for a deep playoff run"

So how'd that work out for ya, anyway?

Oh, right!

An Antidote to Bad News

When you just need to wipe blood from your mouth, grab that beer bottle and start swinging...

Blog Redux: On The Elements of Being Out Of Style

Originally posted 4/19/06.

I was cleaning out my closet yesterday when I realized how out of fashion I am. Thank heaven that men's styles change slowly because I have no compulsion to buy new clothes until the shirts and pants that I already have wear out. The more I thought about it, the further I think I am from "it". In fact, the light from "it" will take several years to reach me.

This state of unfashionableness (stylelessness? unfashionitude? gauche-ocity?) extends to other areas too. I am so out of style that I'm not proud to be either a metrosexual or againstmetrosexuality. In fact, I'm vauely embarrassed that I know what a metroxsexual is. I'm so out of fashion that I wish people would stop obsessing about labelling what people do and pay more attention to who they are.

I'm so out of style that I don't have a gym in which to see and be seen. I do have a set of free weights and a pair of running shoes that see regular use that I bought on discount at Kmart.

I'm so unfashionable that I wish city blocks were still laid out in nice regular rectilinear shapes so that you could actually find the house you're looking for, not these damned organic-looking cloverleaves designed so that John Q. Developer can squeeze one more McMansion in on the corner.

I'm so out of style that I really really hate those answering machine messages that aren't messages but cute little songs or, worse yet, actual songs that some moron recorded off the radio. I really don't need 50-Cent's advice on clubbing just to let a buddy know when to come in to work.

I'm so out of style that this whole reality tv craze has simply passed me by. I can't remember the last time I danced with the stars, tricycled across the sahara or had to ginsu fugu with a dull butterknife. Mostly I think it's stupid. Occasionally I think "this too shall pass". More to the point, I despise this fascination with personal degradation and humiliation.

I mean, the reality of "reality television" isn't about the contest or the characters; no, it's about the desire to see the worst types of petty human behavior imaginible. We don't really thrill to listen to Clay Aiken or Carrie Underwood but to see and hear the legions of talentless bellowing harpies. 'Skating with Celebreties' is at least as much about seeing stars hit the ice as watching them soar above it. I mean really - why did you watch 'The Simple Life'? Was it to see a diverse and fascinating cross section of middle america...or to see two rich bitches slumming through hicktown humiliating themselves and everyone they met?

Oh well. Style has a way of coming around. Bell bottoms are back in. We're 'keeping all options on the table' to prevent a middle east country from getting WMD. David Hasselhoff will once more star on Baywatch. Maybe, just maybe, if I wait long enough things'll come back my way and the things I like will be back in style again.

On the other hand, 'dead as Dillinger' has a certain truth too.

Honoring the New Year in the Proper Style of Gentlemen

Since Grumps rang out 2008 so well, I wanted to kick off 2009 appropriately.