Missing: 1 Bigfoot, Medium Build

Who: Steve Krieger, county highway deer-removal specialist

What: A large, black furry figure reached into the back of Steve's pickup and grabbed two deer carcasses before bounding off into the night.

When: Last Sunday.

Where: Near Holy Hill in Washington County, WI

What we don't know: Was Steve drinking grain alcohol or paint thinner? And where is the grainy, low-resolution video?

Favorite quote: "The only thing that matches that description is a bear or a gorilla, and we don't have a lot of gorillas around here".

Pamol F + Snickers = Survival of Interdepartmental Meeting

Click here to see a mockumentary on Pamol F, the best in Finnish painkillers. It's finn-tastic!

This Week in Headlines

Legions of Child Psychologists Waiting for Sean Preston Federline to Grow Up - Los Angeles Times, 11/7/06

Kylie Minogue Beats Breast Cancer, Manager - People, 11/10/06

Iraqi Police Recruit Hoping to Torture Somebody Before Next Suicide Bombing - Washington Post, 11/9/06

Somalis Battle Over Sand, Gravel - New York Times 11/11/06

War Profiteers Out, Welfare Queens In - San Diego Union-Tribune, 11/8/06

You Make the Call in Vote '06: Playstation 3 vs. X-Box 360 - Cnet.com 11/6/06

That Chevy Nova No Va!

For your edification, dear readers, I humbly submit the following international list of faux pas. Take heed, lest you wind up talking to the wrong end of an automatic rifle as their headman's daughter sobs in the corner.

And if you're somewhere other than the South Bronx, it could be even worse.

From the good people at wikipedia:

• Nicaragua - Calling someone a "cochón"(homosexual), when you really want to buy a "colchón" (mattress).
  
• Brazil - Flashing the American "OK" gesture is considered inappropriate because in Brazil that gesture refers to the anus. [Done in the wrong bar, it might be considered an invitation.]
  
• Portugal - Asking an unfamiliar woman for her age. [Because it's considered polite everywhere else.]
• Italy - Wearing white socks is seen as a sign of weakness or of being a "mamma's boy".
  
• New Zealand - When asked to "bring a plate" to an event such as a party, bring a plate of food and not just a plate.
• Australia - When asked to "bring a plate" to an event such as a party, bring a plate of food and not just a plate. [Apparently this is quite the problem Down Under. And in case you think I'm pulling your leg, here's a link.]
• Philippines - Hide if you want some alone time. Refusing to socialize with anyone, especially if invited, could be considered offensive.
• Arabia - Throughout most of the Middle East the left hand is reserved for bodily hygiene and considered unclean. Thus, the right hand should be used for eating. Shaking hands with one's left hand is considered an insult.
• United States - In most business settings, physical contact should be limited to a handshake at the beginning and end of the meeting. Any unsolicited contact may be responded to with litigation against both the offending party and any business. [Don't I know it.]

Louis Antoine Saint-Just Elected to US House

Baton Rouge, LA: In a press conference delivered today, Democratic Congressman-elect Louis Antoine Saint-Just promised to 'take back Washington' for his constituents.

"It is time that we labored for the happiness of the people. Legislators who are to bring light and order into the world must pursue their course with inexorable tread, fearless and unswerving as the sun." Saint-Just has attracted considerable national scrutiny by openly calling for political purges of Republican appointees and elected representatives.

In a recent speech, the new congressman stated that "Liberty is a bitch who must be bedded on a mattress of corpses. To Republicans I say this: change is coming. The Terror is coming."

Student Groups Demand Freedom From Thought

Salem, OR: Student groups around the nation rallied against opposing viewpoints today, in a series of coordinated demonstrations that Republican-affiliated university organizations found 'chilling'.

According to one bullhorn wielding protester:

"The Student Union demands freedom! We require liberty from being upset by words, images or ideas that oppose or contradict our most cherished beliefs. Reparations for former slaves, the evil of Wal-Mart, the corrupt practices of Starbucks' coffee merchants: these ideals are far too sacred to debate. Censorship is essential in promoting a unified, pacified, and satisfied student body!"

At the Berkeley campus, the students ethics board has introduced the "Pledge of Liberallegiance" and is demanding the ouster of all professors refusing to sign it. Among other demands, it calls for:

• impeaching President George W. Bush,
• banning fur within the borders of the United States,
• ratification of the Kyoto Protocol, the ERA, SALT 2 and the repeal of NAFTA,
• strangling Rush Limbaugh.

Responding to criticism from ACLU president Nadine Strosser that the new demands stifle 'creative freedom and vigorous debate', masked students recently torched ACLU offices nationwide.

It Must Run In The Family

Who: Local morons

When: Yesterday

Where: Memorial High School

What: A 17-year old boy is caught smoking at Memorial High School - which he doesn't attend. His mother comes to school and gets 'belligerent'. [I'm rather curious as to whether she was getting feisty with her son or the police officer. Probably the officer, who obviously has done something wrong.] Mom gets tased. She and her two daughters - who do attend Memorial - are arrested. No word on the boy - presumably, he's the best-behaved of the bunch.

Why: Probably genetics

Favorite quote: "the Taser gun had to be used to de-escalate the threat to a manageable level".

Here's one of Grumps' voters.

Elections

From the Pastor's Pen

by Reverend Sampson Hellfire

As I sit here reading of the trials and tribulations of Reverend Ted Haggard, many things become clear to me. Homosexuality is evil and destructive. It is perverse, immoral and twisted. Above all, homosexuality is a choice!

Brother Ted was known for his sermons against homosexuality. Truly, they were inspired by God; it was as if he spoke to convince everyone, even himself, of the evils of that sick way of life. He had everything: life, family and faith. Truly, the Devil is cunning to seduce such a man and make him select evil.

Brother Ted long opposed the sins of the Sodomites and the Pink Fluffy Ones. Why else would Haggard stake out gay bars early in his ministry and invite gay men to his congregation?

Let this be a lesson to guard carefully the roots of our hearts, lest filth and iniquity find a ready home there.

For does not the bible say: 'From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.'
2 Kings 2:23-24

Praise be to God.

You Never See Bob Barker Outside

You make the call.

New In Brief

'One vs 100' concept replayed outside area tavern.

"Lotto" a key retirement strategy for over 75% of American households.

Hussein concerned that insurgency will bump him from "Iraq's #1 Killer" spot.

Candidate wishes those assholes would stop making ad hominem attacks.

Warren Buffett declares nuclear ambitions.

Democrats propose bill to allow George W. Bush to stand for re-election: "All we need is four more years".

Wisconsin man wonders if voting against the Gay Marriage Ban means that he's homosexual.

Bush Introduces New 'Two Minute Hate'

Washington DC: President George W. Bush announced a daily 'Two Minute Hate' that all Americans would be required to attend. Special televisions will be installed in homes and businesses throughout the nation to allow each and every American - even those yet unborn - to "lend their mandatory participation" to the event.

Producers were quiet about the introductory video, but did say that it would likely feature Osama Bin-Laden and the noise of "of some monstrous machine running without oil".

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Brief post. Been out of town on business.

To make a long story short: Orlando was lovely, the hotel was amazing, it's cold up here and goddamn O'Hare.

That about sums it up.

Bentley Tells It Like It Is

From here...

Overheard

Reblican Congressman Ray LaHood: "Mark Foley? Isn't he a sexual predator, Dennis?"

Speaker Dennis Hastert: "Yes, but he's our sexual predator."

Stop hiding and start living, with tequila

If Pfizer marketed tequila, it would probably sound something like this.

"Warning: consumption of alchohol may think you're whispering when you're not."

"Korn" Just A Bunch Of Old Maids

In a press conference today, lead vocalist Jonathan Davis announced that alt-metal group Korn was 'washed up'.

"Well, we had a good run, from our first release Korn to the huge Issues. We really changed the direction of heavy metal in the 90's. But lately, our main focus is to milk this thing out while we can." Mr. Davis continued, "We put out a Greatest Hits back in '04, which is usually the kiss of death when it comes to a group's creativity. But as long as we're selling out, we've released both a rarities and an unplugged album this year."

The group has no plans to release any new material in the near future, but is working on a multi-disk 'platinum' set and a various re-mastered retrospectives. Korn is also rumored to be working on a 'covers' album of other great metal artists.

According to Des Moines, Iowa fan and supermarket clerk Tim Berkowitz, "Korn? Didn't they break up back in the 90s?"

Well, thanks for the post Grumps. My traffic has jumped more than a collie eating poppyseed muffins.

Ok, so folksy metaphores aren't my thing.

For you new folks out there (and considering my historic site traffic, most of you are definitely new), I wanted to post something about what At The Tap is about.

Well, first I ... aw, screw this. You know what I'm about. Instead, check this out:


An oldie but goodie. This is my political humor, by the way. People like it when you're topical.

Libertarian Party Supports Somalia

Washington, DC - Libertarian Party officials expressed open admiration for Somalia today, calling it 'the perfect Libertarian society'. Somalia, a small nation occupying the eastern tip of Africa has been without a functioning government since 1991, when rebels ousted cold war dictator Mohammed Siad Barre. Since that time, Somalians have been free of government, taxation, law, basic sanitation, and even mail delivery.

"Somalia is the first country to move beyond the dead-end 'nation state' concept, and is a perfect example of the benefits that accrue under minimal government, less taxes and absolute personal freedom."

Meanwhile, interim Somalian Prime Minister Ali Mohamed Gedi repeated his call for an international peacekeeping force that is desperately needed to stop the advance of Islamic radicals and terrorists. He urged the international community to "act very soon."

Baby Smokes Dope, Mom Sent to Jail - What's the World Coming To?

From Reuters:

Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong..

I bet she didn't even put a nipple on it.

Area Man Wishes He Could Be Rich

Sandusky, OH resident John Jacobs said today that he wishes he could be rich. "Don't get me wrong; I'm doing ok. I know that I'll never be a millionaire though, not on seventy grand a year."

Mr. Jacobs lamented the fact that he's not a great athlete, or a financial genius. "You know, I keep hearing that this generation is going to be the first that isn't as well off as our parents'. I believe it too; after the car payment, the boat payment, the mortgage... heck, I've got almost nothing left at the end of the month."


"I know I'll never be able to own a Lexus, which is why I lease one," explained Mr. Jacobs, reclining on his leather sofa in front of his 60" plasma television. "Oh well. Like the man says: 'Grant me the courage to accept the things I can not change', right?"

Second Life?

A spokesman for Linden Lab, the company behind popular online roleplaying game Second Life, reported today that its users spend "more time playing Second Life than they do on their actual, you know, lives."

According to promotional literature, Second Life "is a 3-D virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents." Also known as an MMPORG (for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), players create online personalities known as 'avatars'.

They can spend hundreds or thousands of dollars - or more - on clothes, real estate and digital possessions. According to a recent Popular Science article, Second Life has a GDP of over $64 million USD.

A Second Life 'hobbyist', Jim Gorunek said that "I have a 4,000 square foot virtual house, a tailored wardrobe, and, oh!, let me show you my flying battleship." Mr. Gorunek, who telecommutes from his Oakland studio apartement, said that only a small minority of gamers lose their sense of proportion regarding the game. "I mean, if you build your own space station or create a virtual army or something; wow, that's out there."

According to a statement, Linden Lab "fully supports its players' lifestyle. Although they may spend more on Second Life than they do on personal grooming products, this is a healthy and enjoyable hobby."

Ever Listen To Top 40 Radio?

From Bad Gods:

Shocking New Evidence: Rome Burned, Nero Fiddled, People Danced!

Researchers at the American University of Rome announced shocking new archaelogical evidence: the discovery of a diary written by a young commoner during the reign of the Roman Emperor Nero.

Researchers are slowly translating the record; among the first excerpts to be released is the following, written during the Great Fire of Rome July 18th, 64:

There must have been thousands of people there. The emperor's playing was simply marvellous, and the burning Christian Quarter gave a lovely light. We danced for hours, finally retiring when the light of rosy-fingered Eos [dawn] replaced that of Vulcan!

According to historians, the early years of the millienium were extremely tempestuous. Rome was being colonized by immigrants whose faith and culture were hostile to society's norms. War was endemic, and the entire Roman military was committed to the field in many foreign nations. At home, the Empire was ruled by a deranged and fanatical dictator.

Historians expressed amazement that, under such conditions, commoners could dance while the upper class was destroying their way of life. "It goes to show that, despite the many similarities between modern and ancient societies," said lead researcher Chuck Davis, "some aspects of the Roman personality simply can't be understood today."

Ice Cream Stand Employee Announces Management Buy Out Offer

Machesney Park, IL Sept 22 - Rick Donnelly, CEO of Smith's Ice Cream Shoppe formally announced plans to make an offer for a majority stake in the firm.

Smith's has fallen on hard times lately, a condition that Mr. Donnelly attributed to market consolidation and tough foreign competition. "Rajit's Ice Cream Emporium three blocks over opened last summer and they've been just eating our lunch", said Mr. Donnelly yesterday. "It's going to take new vision and direction to save this company."

In addition, the Ice Cream Shoppe has suffered a number of recent mis-steps, including erratic office hours and repeated delays of a widely-anticipated 'Slushee' initiative. "Technical problems, man, technical problems," claimed Mr. Donnelly. "And that's not all either. I keep hearing rumors of union activity - and that could be the last straw that shuts us down."

Mr. Donnelly, who is the Ice Cream Shoppe's sole employee in addition to being the CEO and CFO of the organization, has announced several deals with private equity investors. "I've got about $500 saved up, and my parents said that they'd chip in at least $3,500. Oh, and my brother John said he'd help out too."

Mr. Donnelly summed up his position, "Tom Smith better think long and hard about my proposal. After all, construction is just killing our business: the community pool going in across the street and the rec center down the road have got traffic all tied up."

"Of course I'll pay top dollar for this place: after all, who knows the business better than I do?"

Satirist Reports Job Getting More Difficult

Noted satirist and author Max Gillies reported today that it was getting 'exponentially harder' to come up with a topic to ridicule.

"It's getting to be next to impossible," said Mr. Gillies today. "I mean, there was a time when I could always come up with a headline like "President Reagan Declares War On Philatelists" and fill in the details. Now, I can publish "Bush Declares 'Screw the Budget' Initiative" and two days later I read that the bastard has announced a manned mission to Mars."

According to a Pew Research Study, Americans' ability to detect satire or sarcasm has been dropping for decades. Recent surveys have shown that stories like "Angel's Bones Discovered In Satanic Stewpot", "Luxembourg Conquers France", and "Bush Announces Support For Mid-East Peace" were accepted without question by a majority of the US public.

"Nope, there's no place for a satirist in a world where Hugo Chavez is applauded in the UN, Al Gore runs a network aimed at hip teenagers and Arnold Swarzenegger, that swine, stands for family values", complained Mr Gillies. "I mean, how can America still be fouled by the stinking breath of Ann Coulter?"

Wisconsin State Journal Surrenders

Friday Sept 22- The Wisconsin State Journal formally admitted 'unconditional and total' surrender in its pursuit of journalistic excellence or original reporting.

A senior staff member admitted, "Frankly we've been heading in this direction for a while. It all started with the 'advertainment' articles and puff pieces in the Sunday section. Then we started culling the more demanding stories - national economics, international politics; really we pulled anthing more challenging than what you could find on Springer.

"When nobody objected, we cleaned out 'Business', gutted 'World' and kept cutting until you could fit everything significant on the back of a matchbook cover."

"Finally, we decided - what the hell - since it's all pap anyway, we'll conduct an online poll to determine the lead story. Now sports leads four days out of five."

In a statement, the Wisconsin State Journal announced its 'Way Forward':

• The National section will consist of professional and collegiate sports, with local semi-pro and high school sports rounding out Local.
• All remaining stories will be consolidated into two new sections: Happy, featuring topics like comic strips, crossword puzzles and uplifting human interest stories; and Sad, containing information about traffic accidents, obituaries and the Green Bay Packers.

In conclusion, the press release reported that "the people of Wisconsin have spoken, and we will bow to the wishes of the lowest common denominator. Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda

As first reported in America's Finest News Source, The Onion:

MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful King Friday XIII political machine is expected to pass this week and deeply affect current taxation structure, voting patterns, and services. "Meow-me-meow can't afford meow property tax as it stands now meow, and meow don't want everything I've worked for to be destroyed meow," said one resident, who asked to remain anonymous. Among the anticipated changes are sharp cutbacks in speedy deliveries, the elimination of trolley routes to such low-income districts as Someplace Else and the platypus mound, as well as the destruction of the Museum-Go-Round to make room for a massive new headquarters for The Electric Company.

Equal Parts Innovative Design and Simply Gross

From the Website:

Anhelus gathers the water intended for the baptism from the air of the congregation - water condensing on the cool brass point drips into the suspended basin. Since the humidity is increased by the breath of the people (lungs convert oxygen into water and CO2) and likewise by perspiration, all persons present in a sense participate in the act of baptism in which a new member is received into the Christian congregation.

My reaction:

Ewww...

Wal-Mart to Start New 'Sam's Church' Chain

Walmart announced today that it is adding a new division to its Super WalMart franchise, "Sam's Church". It has already published plans to train up to 1,500 employees in a six-week theological correspondence course.

The new employees, known as Clerical Associates, will be available to conduct weddings, funerals and a standard Christian Mass. Said Wal-Mart John Davis, "Wal-Mart is emphasizing a new and streamlined Christianity. By simplifying the faith, we're making it even easier to Be a Believer."

Despite opposition from mainstream religious organizations, industry analysts predicted that the rollout would be a major success. Said one analyst: "The combination of convenience and low-cost will be irrestible for consumers. The ease of your wedding registry, haircut, suit and pictures all in one place means that Sam's Church can't be beat. The priest may have a marginal understanding of doctrine, the altar may be made of a white UHMW plastic and you could find the same benches in a bus terminal, but we're confidant that the majority of american consumers won't be able to tell the difference."

Carl Spackler Cackles; Several Orders of Rodentia Tremble

Behold the Rodenator.

From the manufacturer's website:

The Rodenator Pro is safe and environmentally friendly. The Rodenator Pro uses a controlled mixture of propane and oxygen that is injected into the rodents burrow. A built-in, self contained ignition system then ignites the mixture, creating an underground shockwave or concussion that instantly eliminates the rodent and collapses the tunnel system of most burrowing rodents species.

Suggested tagline: "A new weapon in the arsenals of golfcourse groundskeepers everywhere."



* * *

Fans 'Crocadile Hunter' Steve Irwin Begin Killing Stingrays in Revenge

From the BBC:

Dead stingrays with their tails cut off have been found in Australia, sparking concern that fans of naturalist Steve Irwin may be avenging his death.

Naturalists also expressed fears about the consequences if Australian PM John Howard were to die in a wallaby-related felching incident.



* * *

Pope Announces Catholicism 2.0: Open-Source Christianity

Vatican City, Italy - Pope Benedict XVI has accounced a startling new initiative he calls 'Catholicism 2.0'. In a statement released today, the Pope will "apply the guiding principles of Silicon Valley's 'open source' movement to reinvigorate the holy body of Christ, the Catholic Church. The goal is an open, welcoming and above all 'user-friendly' Christianity."

The document described several features of the new initiative, including:

• Open participation in Church rituals
  
• The Creative Commons Mass (TM)
• User-defined Church dogma

The Pope is seen as reacting to recent criticim that concepts like dogma are viewed as too inflexible and the Church is intransigent in the face of a changing society. It is hoped that opening up religious and lay orders to people of all lifestyles will encourage greater participation in Mass, while user-defined Church dogma (or UDCD in religious parlance) will bring back lapsed faithful.

American Catholics have responded enthusiastically to the change. According to Gloria Bogan, an Ann Arbor, MI resident, "I can't wait to get home to download the new Mass protocols and get cranking on an all-guitar Liturgy of the Word! This really brings the Church in line with the new millenium." Other plans include the Esperanto Mass, the 5-Minute Mass and TeleCommunion.

George W. Bush Gets Joke

Washington, D.C. - US President George W. Bush started laughing uproariously during a state dinner on Sunday. When Malian president Amadou Toumani Touré asked the President what was so funny, Bush wiped his eyes and reportedly said that "Dog is just 'God' spelled backward."

For Sale: Two Houses of Congress, Slightly Used

Administration officials announced plans today to spin off the legislative branch and auction it to private equity. Included in the sale will be both Houses of Congress, as well as the Government Accountability Office (GAO), and Congressional Budget Office (CBO). Analysts expressed surprise in the privatization scheme, but supported an effort to 'slim down' a federal government bloated with 'dead weight'.

Tom D. Harry, Bear Sterns analyst said, “Bush is working hard running the administration and is committed to continuing his current role at least until the end of his term. He and [Vice President] Dick Cheney are making the tough decisions needed to move the government forward and create taxpayer value. The value of the real estate alone is worth tens of millions of dollars."

When asked whether proceeds from the sale would be used to pay down the national debt, administration officials responded that the cabinet was looking at a wide variety of uses, including stabalizing the current pro-western Iraqi regime, supporting democracy in the middle east and fighting the War on Terror.

Potential bidders include Kohlberg Kravis Roberts, the Blackstone Group and Cerberus Capital Management. Halliburton is also said to be among the public firms interested in the purchase.

UN Authorizes Peacekeeping Force For American Southwest

The United Nations passed a resolution on Tuesday authorizing the deployment of a peacekeeping force 1,500 strong to 'monitor conditions along the US-Mexican border'.

Previously, spokesmen for the UN expressed concern about the planned deployment of state militias and the growth of the private 'Minuteman' groups patrolling the border. A UN spokesman stated the resolution was the result of "the increasing militarization, growth of drug trafficking, and risk of destabilization in the 'Frontera' region.

The force, composed primarily of Bangladeshi and Turkish troops, will be under strict orders not to fire unless fired upon. The Turkish government has expressed some concern for the safety of its soldiers in the state of Texas, due to the potential use of technicals, pickup trucks mounted with heavy machine guns or other weapons.

Yet the council cannot take any significant action on the resolution until the United States reverses its opposition to a U.N. force. Dimming the prospects for the resolution to actually go into effect, American President George W Bush rejected it.

Reaction from the administration was swift. "The American people will not consent to any resolution that will violate its sovereignty," a press release sent out yesterday said. George Bush's government as saying. The ruling party leadership called on the American people to "strengthen further their cohesion and ranks and prepare to face any development."

Detroit Removes Head from ... Sand; Acknowledges Reality of High Gas Prices

TOLEDO, Ohio, Aug. 28 -— The Chrysler Group, which is more dependant on sales of heavy, gas-guzzling monstrosities than any other Detroit automaker, said Monday that it expected gasoline prices to remain at ridiculously high levels for the rest of the decade.

The comments by Thomas W. LaSorda, Chrysler'’s chief executive, are the first time a Detroit automaker has formally admitted that it is screwed. They also signal a recognition that the industry may have to start selling the same fuel efficient vehicles, also known as cars, in America that it sells everywhere else in the world.

If Chrysler’s assumptions are correct, it means that Detroit's near terms sales volume will continue to drop through the floor. According to Mr. LaSorda, "at this point we're just hoping that all of Toyota's senior executives drop dead of massive heart attacks or fugu-related poisonings because that's about the only way we'll survive the next five years."

Analyst Jesse Toprak said the Detroit auto companies had been delusional. “They saw high gas prices as a temporary phenomenon,” instead of the inevitable result of a whole bunch of gas-guzzlers guzzling lots of gas.

Things You Can't Do In An RPG

If you've ever played an RPG, or even know people who have, you'll find the list 700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG hilarious, if a little exhausintg. Some of of my favorites:

50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
388. Pursue means 'chase after', not just make called shots to the knees.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.

Kent Press Conference Shocker: Superman Arrested!

Metropolis, Aug 25 - Superhero Clark Kent, also known as Superman, was arrested yesterday as he touched down behind a podium at the Grand Hotel. Mr. Kent was scheduled to appear at a press conference called following allegations that a former senior member of the State Department, Richard Armitage, leaked his identity to the press.

The arrest was shocking and sudden. As Clark Kent was poised to begin reading from a prepared statement, a loud commotion erupted from offstage. As Mr. Kent attempted to speak, four agents of the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) bureau appeared onstage. According to eyewitnesses, the superhero appeared "extremely suprised" as a masked agent slipped a pair of glowing green handcuffs around his wrists.

Later, the Department of Homeland Security spokesman Morgan Edge stated that, "Today representatives of the US Government took a foreign national into custody. Superman is an illegal alien who has made no attempt become a US citizen. He is a dangerous fugitive of uncertain goals and motivations, and a potential terrorist."

When asked whether Superman would be deported, Mr. Edge replied that "all options are on the table". An administration official today said that Superman might be chained to an Atlas rocket and "sent back to Krypton".

Superman to Speak!

Hot from the PR Newswire:

Metropolis, New York August 23, 2006 -- Superman is scheduled to speak at 10am EST Thursday, August 24 2006 at the Grand Hotel, Metropolis. He will make a short statement, followed by a brief Q&A period. Due to availability of seating, attendance will be limited to individuals with a valid press pass. A public statement from the Justice League will be forthcoming.

Speculation is rife regarding the subject of Superman's statement. Thursday will mark the first time Superman has spoken publicly since the "Kentgate" affair first broke in 2003.

New Report Declares: Kim Jong Il Hates Children, Dogs

United States public opinion has swung sharply against North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il in recent weeks after a UNESCO report was published indicating that the reclusive communist despot despises small children and dogs.

Analysts say that the first indication that President Kim despised the most vulnerable members of society occurred in the 1990s, when floods ravaged much of the country. Despite widespread devastation and the failure of successive crop harvests, North Korea turned down international food relief for "reasons of national self-sufficiency". This resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of North Koreans, many of whom were children.

Other actions highlighted in the report include sending spies to execute North Korean teen-age refugees and the sale of nuclear weapons technology to rogue states that could result in the deaths of countless canines.

In addition, visiting dignitaries report that they are officially welcomed by thousands of children who are forced to perform in hours-long synchronized dances. Said one diplomat, "And if that's not inhumane, what is?"

According to Dallas homemaker Kimberly Berman, "I am outraged by North Korea's actions. I didn't approve of the long-range ballistic missile tests earlier this year and now this! What about the children?"

Last month, North Korean spokesman Ban Ruk Tho attacked the report. "This report is an aggressive imperialist attack on the integrity of the DPRK state. On the contrary, Premier Kim loves dogs. They are a delicious source of protein."

After surveys indicated widespread "international disgust" at the remarks, another North Korean spokesman reported that Mr. Ban would no longer be available for comment and was in fact on a 'long holiday'.

Analysts suggest that US-Korean relations may be in for rocky times ahead. Rumors have long swirled around the secretive Korean despot's proclivity to confiscate sweets from infants and run massive prison camps to detain political dissidents. There is speculation that the North Korean regime may take aggressive moves to deflect this latest bout of criticism.

Top Celebrity Books

From an International Trade Weekly report on the top celebrity books of 2010:

• Samuel L. Jackson & the Art of Mother***ng Zen
• The Autobiography of George W. Bush: To Be A Warmonger
  
• Ann Coulter & Eratopublican Love
• The Bristly Embrace of Madeline Albright
• Celine Dion & The Sex Pistols: The Tour
  

Calendars Show Armitage Met Reporter: Superman Revealed!

WASHINGTON - The No. 2 State Department official met with Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane in mid-June 2003, the same time the reporter has testified that a Bush administration official revealed the identity of Superman's alter-ego, Clark Kent.

Official State Department calendars show then-Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage held a one-hour meeting marked "private appointment" with Lane on June 13, 2003.

The Special Prosecutor in the case has investigated whether officials intentionally revealed Mr. Kent's identity as a heroic defender of right and justice to punish him for stopping machiavellian industrialist and strong Bush supporter Lex Luthor's plan to destroy the UN and conquer the world.

When contacted at home, Ms. Lane declined to discuss her meeting with Armitage or the identity of her source in the Superman leak case.

The identity of Lane's source remains a big mystery because the Daily Planet reporter is the first member of the news media known to have discussed Kent's superhero status with an administration official. Lois Lane and Clark Kent, despite being co-workers at the Planet, are reported to not be on speaking terms at the present time.

Repeated attempts to contact Mr. Kent at the Fortress of Solitude have been unsuccessful as of press time.

What Republicans See When They Read the New York Times

Hilarious.

Courtesy of the Huffington Post Contagious Festival.

The Starting Line, Bedroom Talk: Ain't Love Grand?

Lyrics for "Bedroom Talk" taken from The Starting Line's 2005 release Based On A True Story:

I got the talk when I was younger
And understood as I recall,
they hadn't mentioned this at all.
My heart was racing like a sprinter
That tripped and fell
In love with a girl just for tonight and that's all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more
than just once
But I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just tonight

Maybe I'm getting old, but I just don't get emo.

Talking About Giving New Meaning To 'Spray & Pray'

Sorry Ordell, but absolutely, positively, killing every mothe.. person in the room just isn't enough anymore.

You've got to do it with style!

That's why Lauer Custom Weaponry is here - to meet my decorative gun needs.

(Personally, when I refinish my automatic rifle I think I'll go with Lavender!)



What do you think?

As Steve Lauer says, "“There’s a lot of guns. There’s far more than you’d ever imagine.”

Signs I Wish I Could Hang On My Office Wall

"Talking louder doesn't mean you're talking righter."

"If you don't like how I do things, please talk to my manager. He gives even less of a shit than I do."

"I wish you were five years older and had had your ass kicked by a woman a couple of times."

"Of course I make mistakes - I hired you, didn't I?"

"The door swings both ways, dunnit?"

"So what do you- No, but wh- Hey- Sh- Hey, why do- Shut up!"

"Here you're not just a name, you're a number."

I'll Bring the Tongs and Butter!

According to a recent news story,

Environmentalists and fishermen in northern Norway are warning of a Russian invasion of alien crustaceans which are threatening to ruin the local sea fauna.

Giant Russian crabs, eh? Whatever will we do!



I mean really. Let's pretend like we're a predatory, eternally hungry species that'll eat virtually anything on earth and we'll see what we can come up with.

* * *

Threats, Counselling & Ridicule Didn't Work. Let's Try Humor

The US Political Aristocracy

From The Proud Tower by Barbara Tuchman, describing US politics before 1910:

"Well-to-do, long-establish families did not shoulder - but shunned- the responsiblities of government...the adbication of the rich was born out of the success of the American Revolution and the defeat of Hamilton's design to organize the State in the interests of the governing class. Jefferson's principles and Jackson's democracy had won."

What the hell happened?

* * *

Political Statement, Fetish or Hobby: You Make the Call

German police are hunting the 'pranksters' who have been leaving George W flags in piles of poo. From the article:

The series of incidents was originally thought to be some sort of protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. But then when it continued, it was thought to be a protest against George W. Bush's campaign for re-election. But it is still going on and the police say they are completely baffled as to who is to blame.

I just hope that it's a really big dog.

via core77

The Shape n'Slim!

Behold: the Shape 'n Slim (c)!

Yes, with new space age carbon fiber technology you too can lose two sizes in two minutes! This revolutionary new product has been designed by those clever scientists at Kymaro to improve posture, lung function and make you look fabulous!

For an incredible low price of $39.95 - a great new sexy you! And order now to receive a free gift: Shape 'n Lift (the holistic thigh-management system)!

Note: this product is nothing like a girdle.

On the other hand... you can get the same product from Amazon for less than a quarter of the price.

Modern Hymns

As reported here and elsewhere, the Holy Father has called for a return to more traditional hymns.

In an effort to ensure our church music is acceptable and yet accessible, I humbly submit the following list of titles for honorable consideration.

• When We All Get to Heaven, Daddy-O
• Scat of our Fathers
• Drop Kick Me Jesus, into the Barrelhouse of Life
• Christian Soldiers In the Mix

And my favorite:

• A Mighty Hepcat is our God
  

With luck, faithful artists and composers will soon lay down some righteous (and rigorously orthodox) licks.

What Happened to the Big Bad I.R.S?

From a NY Times article:

The federal government is moving to eliminate the jobs of nearly half of the lawyers at the Internal Revenue Service who audit tax returns of some of the wealthiest Americans.

And another one:

So many superrich Americans evade taxes using offshore accounts that law enforcement cannot control the growing misconduct

Strange. Now, maybe I'm seeing black helicopters but it's as if the Republican-controlled executive is attempting to make it more difficult for the government to collect taxes. I know, I know! Call me crazy.

It Sure Beats Burmashave

Well, if you've got it you might as well flaunt it. Saint Louis must be pretty popular among the trenchcoat crowd.

No, not that trenchcoat crowd.

Mutually Exclusive Statements

Apparently, the use of guitars and tambourines has irritated the Pope, who loves classical music. "It is possible to modernise holy music," the Pope said, at a concert conducted by Domenico Bartolucci the director of music at the Sistine Chapel. "But it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music."

Excellent. So, we can modernize church hymns and incorporate modern music into the Mass as long as we follow tradtional Gregorian chants and 'sacred polyphonic choral music'.

I'm sorry, I just don't see it.

An Ode Against (For) Common Sense

As the Irish nationalist Arthur O'Conell was being jailed for sedition (1798), he handed out the following poem:

The pomp of courts and pride of kings
I prize above all earthly things;
I love my country; the king
Above all men his praise I sing:
The royal banners are displayed,
And may success the standard aid.

I fain would banish far from hence,
The Rights of Man and Common Sense;
Confusion to his odious reign,
That foe to princes, Thomas Paine!
Defeat and ruin seize the cause
Of France, its liberties and laws!

Of course, if the reader takes the first line of the first stanza, then the first line of the second stanza, and repeats the alternating process with the second, third and fourth lines, and so on, they will have no difficulty in writing out quite a different poem.

Shaken, Not Stirred

Dammit, I drink martinis. Not chocotinis, not appletinis, not bloody flufftinis.

Mar-teen-eees.

Vodka, a misting of dry vermouth, and a single solitary olive. Maybe, if I'm feeling risky, a little olive juice.

Oy.

Sorry. Just had to set that straight.

Out.

The USB Beverage Chiller: Is USB God's Gift to Geeks?

Well, compared to the USB Pencil Sharpener, this product is actually quite useful. Granted that's only because it's a USB pencil sharpener.

Compared to that, an electronic doodad that keeps a third of a soda cool for hours is a stroke of genius. In fact, I think we're seeing the beginning of the USB age, with USB toasters, food processors and hair curlers in the offing.

Is your product too boring, too 'vanilla', too mainstream? Or it may simply be kinda dumb. Well don't fear! Just slap a USB cord on it: instant geek chic!

Yes folks, this is a useful product! Plug it into any of the USB ports on your computer and you'll be able to keep that half-empty beverage of your choice cold for hours. Perfect for you hard-core programmers out there who get lost in the intricacies of machine language. Or perhaps its perfect for you busy bloggers who are too busy scouring the web for drivel.

If you're interested in this or other USB peripherals, I've included a link below. Or you could just start throwing wads of cash out your car windows.

A Many and His Blue Rubber Friend

He grips the shaft carefully in his hand. The blue rubber is slightly yielding, yet firm beneath his fingers, and it grows to a soft pliable head. He checks to make sure it is clean and dry, ploinking it gently beneath his fingers. He slowly inserts the head into his orifice.

As it enters, all sound seems to just...fade away. He is left only with the beat of his heart and his own raspy breathing.

The man probes carefully. The fit is good. The video showed how improper use could cause rupture or dulled sensation, so this is important.

Excellent.

His earplugs are properly situated. He can enter the manufacturing department now.

An Entry from the First Edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica

Woman: The female of man. See HOMO.

From trivia-library.com.

Questioning Your Assumptions

From Neatorama.

Three Gorges Damn

Chinese investigators say activist Fu Xiancai, who was paralyzed after a severe beating, inflicted the blows himself, according to a Human Rights in China (HRIC). Mr. Fu has been a noted critic of the Three Gorges Dam in Hubei Province, and a fierce defender of peasants displaced by the project. Investigators for the government had failed to find anyone else's footprints at the scene of the attack, and had concluded that he must have hit himself. The blow to the back of his neck was so severe that three of his vertebrae were broken, HRIC said.

Investigators later determined that Mr. Fu also hooked up his nuts to a car battery, causing extensive burns in a 'sensitive area' and had ripped his own fingernails out with a set of rusty pliers, later found wiped clean of fingerprints.

HRIC said it was strongly concerned about the independence of the investigation.

In Poker, We Call This a "Bad Beat"

• April 2006 - You are David Carruthers, successful CEO of BetOnSports.com. Your corporation is listed on the London Stock Exchange, market share is growing, and you are the darling of investors.
• Saturday, July 15th - You are planning on a brief layover in Dallas Fort Worth en route to your company's headquarters in Costa Rica.
• Sunday, July 16th - As your plane touches the gritty earth of Texas, you are arrested by Federal marshalls for violating anti-gambling laws.
• Wednesday July 20 - Federal prosecutors unseal a 22-count indictment that accuses your company of fradulently taking money from US citizens and failing to pay excise taxes. BetOnSports.com is forced to completely shut down its wildly popular website.
• Tuesday July 25 - BetOnSports.com announces that : “On July 24, the contract under which David Carruthers acted as C.E.O. of the company was terminated. Clearly, while he remains in the custody of the U.S. government he is unable to perform his duties.”

At Least It's Not All Bad

Detroit may have coined the term "White Flight", it's largest employers Ford & GM are getting slaughtered, it's got the worst crime rate among large metropolitan areas nationally and it can't field a good professional football team to save its life.

But hey, they got a new clock.

Secret Plans

State Department officials today discussed their 'secret plan' to resolve the latest Mid-East crisis by splitting Syria from Iran with a number of peace proposals.

They also went on to outline their strategy to eliminate North Korea as a threat by destroying their 'nukular reactor' in a 'surprise B12 air strike'. They emphasized that this would be successful only if the North Koreans 'didn't move the warheads first'.

North Korean officials were unavailable for comment.

Wal-Mart Names New Public Relations Consultant; Unions Cheer

Wal-Mart announced today that it has hired the ultimate Washington insider as its next head of public relations and government affairs. Unlike other recent moves, however, the recent hiring of Leslie Dach has won the corporation accolades from insiders as well as it traditional opponents, the unions.

Mr. Dach was a prominent Democratic operative who advised President Bill Clinton during the impeachment process.

When interviewed, John Sweeney, president of the AFL-CIO stated carefully "Well sir, we're aware what Mr. Dach accomplished in the past and we feel that Leslie is a man that we can work with."

Said Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott Jr., "We have been so impressed with Les' outstanding work with PR firm Edelman that, when the position came open, we just knew we had to have him."

Edelman, a global PR firm, recently made headlines announcing a distinct preference for companies "that suck".

Mr. Scott went on to say that, "We're looking at other acquisitions as well. For example, we've been in close talks with Ken Lay's former legal team, since they've got some openings now, as well as the marketers behind Phillip Morris and the introduction of New Coke."

"With the talent that we're bringing together, we can't lose!"

USB Pencil Sharpener: Apparently We Still Have Too Much Money

Recently voted Gizmodo's 'Worst USB Peripheral - Ever', it's the USB pencil sharpener. Why is it USB?

Why not?

I think it relies on the USB cable for its 5v power supply; there can't be much in the way of actual data transfer going on.

If you're actually interested in buying one you can do so here.

Kymaro Shape N Slim Post, Redux

One of my most popular posts, in terms of generating traffic has been this Kymaro Shape N Slim post. Presumably, these folks are shoppers and potential buyers of this 'wonderful body smoothing technology' and it must be a little disheartening to run into mockery instead.

And so, I apologize. As a public service, I've included the following link to a Wikipedia article on girdles.

And if you're still interested, I've also included a link to a similar product. It's called the Slim N Shape, from which I deduce that it's similar to Kymaro's famous Shape N Slim. It's also a lot less expensive.

Enjoy!

Let's Not Have a Double Standard - One Standard'll Do Just Fine

I was concerned that the US would be dogged by unfair accusations that we're taking Israel's side in the latest violence between Israel and Hezbollah in Lebanon.

After reading about how we're supplying Israel with high-tech precision bomb 'no questions asked' while preventing the UN Security Council from pushing for a cease-fire, I must admit to being relieved. At this point, any such accusations are quite fair.

Forty Million Dollar Slaves

See this post on a new book by William Rhoden called "Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete".

I haven't read the book. But, because I'm blogging, I feel free to rebut the author's thesis based on a third-hand review of his work. (Ain't life grand?)

In reality professional and semi-professional (college) sports is less about slavery than it is about money.

I wish professional sports was an exception to the rule. But your average corporate CEO (and team owners are just a variant of that breed) makes something like 200 times what the average line worker makes. And it's the line worker that's getting injured on the job and suffering from the slow erosion of their health, whether you're looking at the NFL, General Motors or Toll Brothers construction.

So, it's true that sports owners make a lot more money than their players. It's true that they leverage a dream factory to stay on top. But it's disingenuous to claim that this is in some way unique to the sporting world, or to say that it's more about race than it is money.

Tell me that George Steinbrenner is any different than Don King, under the skin.

A Modest Proposal for Preventing Illegal Immigrants in America from Being a Burden to Our Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

It is a melancholy object to those who travel in the country to see the tragic effects that immigration policy has wrought upon our great nation. I have a simple proposal that, if enacted, should meet the needs of the most ardent conservative while matching the requirements of the most passionate liberal.

Immigration poses a grave threat to homeland security via drug smuggling and potential terrorism. We need to make massive investments, including physical barriers, National Guard deployment and coastal monitoring. However, the dynamism of the United States depends on the young motivated workforce that immigration supplies. Therefore, any immigrants that successfully reach our shores should be immediately granted citizenship.

Unfortunately, immigrants pose a grave threat to native job security and wage growth. Knowingly hiring illegal immigrants must be a felony offense! On the other hand, competitive wages keeps manufacturing jobs within our borders; therefore, we need to increase the number of work visas and maintain a strict workplace non-interference policy on the part of immigration officials.

Finally, illegal immigrants drive up the cost of healthcare and education, while providing billions to social security through W2 deductions. As a result it is only right that we deny foreigners access to our schools and hospitals while providing them Medicare and Social Security benefits.

In reality this modest proposal is only a start. More good ideas are needed, especially around enacting specific ‘English-only’ language policies coupled with vigorous bilingual requirements in public services. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual.

From the AP Newswire!

St Petersburg, Russia (AP) -- President George W. Bush announced a 'bold new move in the war on terror' in a news conference at a news conference today. Speaking at the G8 summit President Bush proclaimed the creation of a special 'judicial mechanism to try terrorism cases without media, social or political influence.'

Congressional leaders are expected to introduce identical versions of the bill, the Selective Terrorism and Anti-Recidivism act on Monday. The brainchild of former Admiral John Poindexter, the so-called STAR Court will have wide-ranging and independent judicial authority to investigate cases of suspected terrorism.

In taped remarks from a remote location, Admiral Poindexter delineated the key features of the new body:

• Justices of the STAR Court will be appointed in secret and for a lifetime term,
  
• All US citizens can appeal directly to the STAR Court by submitting a brief in writing,
• Court sessions will beheld in secret, with no indictments, no right of appeal, no juries, and no witnesses.

In concluding, Admiral Poindexter said that "as I stand here, in the room where the new court will be constituted, I can honestly say that I have never been prouder. This STAR Chamber, if you will, represents the kind of forward thinking and revolutionary ideas that can only have come from current leadership."

From the Author of Brunching Shuttlecocks

The inimitable Lore Sjoberg and a new, odd website, Bad Gods.

Funny Little Observation

Unless you pay absolutely no attention to business news, you've probably heard about the trials and travails of the american auto industry. You know: massive employee buyouts, crippling legacy benefits costs, the inability to, you know, sell many cars.

You've probably heard how maverick investor Kirk Kerkorian's Tracinda Corporation bought a large minority chunk of GM and started agitating for a number of signficant internal reforms. You may have even heard of a possible 3-way Nissan - Renault - GM worldwide alliance (exact structure unknown) to bring the Ghosn magic to an ailing GM.

Meanwhile, FoMoCo has been playing the wallflower to GM's prom queen. No headlines, no mergers, no dramatic news stories. Well, there was this story on how S&P cut Ford's debt rating deeper into junk status. And now this - Ford's slashing its dividend and cutting the salaries of its directors. Here's what an analyst has to say:

“This is a signal that things are worse than probably everybody, both internally and externally, thought.”

It's said that animals can smell infection and run to avoid it. I wonder what Ford's managers and engineers are doing?

Things I Never Expect to See

• Two headbangers discussing how the Hegelian dialectic influenced the developmental progression inherent in the Cannibal Corpse song "Mummified in Barbed Wire"
• UN peacekeepers actually keeping the peace
• Compassionate conversatism
• Bill Clinton turning down either Big Macs or agreeable personal assistants
• Premium Spam
  
• Porkey Pig on Easter Sunday
• An American who loves the French or a Frenchman who loves Americans
• A nun retort "Yo mama!"

Humans and Machines Working Together Can Be Mighty Indeed!

A sensor implanted in a paralysed man's brain has enabled him to control objects through just the power of thought.

Matthew Nagle, 25 at the time of the trial, was left paralysed from the neck down and confined to a wheelchair after a knife attack in 2001. He was the first patient to try out the brain sensor.

Mr Nagle said the sensor had restored some of his independence by allowing him to carry out a number of tasks - such as turning the lights on - that a nurse would normally do for him.

Professor Miguel Nicolelis, a neurobiologist from Duke University, was critical of the research. He told the BBC's Science in Action programme that although some positive signs had been seen for one patient, the paper showed that the technology did not work in the second, older patient.

But, Professor Otto Octavius, an expert in nuclear physics and a noted inventor and lecturer, said "I think this is enormously important because there is real potential for helping people achieve their goals. This opens up entirely new worlds of cooperation between man and machine. I can only imagine what scientists like myself will come up with next!"

World Cup 2006 Finale

"No, no! I said your mother's a terrible bore!"

Gridiron Adventures

What happens when a small liberal arts college starts its first football team? Well..

"This is not to say that the introduction of 100 young men, generally large young men, to a small, predominantly female campus, is accomplished without challenge, college officials said.

"I'll never forget when I first brought 14 recruits, including some big 270-pound linemen, through the dining hall door and all conversation just stopped," Coach Barnes of Shenandoah said. "You could see the looks on the other students' faces that said, 'So this is what's it's going to be like.' And then the 14 recruits ate everything the cafeteria people had, they just emptied them out.

"The head of the dining staff walked out with this stunned look on his face. He whispered to me: 'We're going to have to start ordering a lot more food, aren't we?'

Of course, integrating two different cultures doesn't always go this smoothly..

At Utica College, the new football players clashed with the existing campus social order. "The fraternities on campus ran the social calendar, but the athletes did their own thing and there were some scuffles," Mr. Kemp said. "After parties, we would have five frat guys jump a football player. I kept telling my players that they couldn't fight back.

"When it kept happening, I went before the Greek council on campus and told them I was lifting my no-fighting ban. The next week, 12 frat boys jumped 5 football players, and the 5 football players beat them up pretty good. We haven't had a problem since."

Progress marches on.

Your Face Will Freeze that Way!

...



"I wonder if 'glum' is a verb."

They Call it Ge - No - Cide

Former Mexican president Louis Echeverria recently declared that he is innocent of genocide charges stemming from an alleged massacre of students in 1968. However, in a surprise ruling last week an appeals court sided with the prosecution and determined that there is enough evidence to charge the then-Interior Minister with genocide.

In other news, rumors abound that NAACP President Bruce Gorden and the Reverend Al Sharpton have met with ACLU representatives to consider charging then police chief Daryl Gates with genocide for the alleged 'shoot to kill' policies of the LA police force during the 1992 Rodney King riots.

Similar announcements have been made in recent weeks by the families of the 1970 Kent State shootings and leaders the Uzbekistan protest movement. Charles Manson has strongly denounced plans by the Tate family to level civil genocide suits again him and his followers. Former Chinese Premier Deng Xiopeng has also been sued by Yue Dongyue, one of the leaders of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre for genocide against the Chinese people.

On the political front, House Republican leaders have charged fellow Democrats with attempted 'political genocide' as they plot to reassume control of both Houses of Congress in the fall. "We categorically reject this blatant and unseemly power grab [by the DNC]", said Speaker Dennis Hastert at a press conference today. "This is simply an attempt to disenfranchise our Republican constituency and we strongly oppose this, as well as other, Democratic machinations."

In consumer news, porn star Jenna Jameson (I Dream of Jenna, Please Cum Inside Me) has announced plans to begin filming her latest skin flick "Jenna-Cide 3: Lust against the Wall". She has described it as a "sexy romp through the countryside of Myanmar, Botswana and the 'urban jungle' of Watts".

The gaming world is eagerly anticipating EA's release of "Dictator 4", the latest incarnation of its popular nation-building sim. Said spokesman Jeff Brown, "This game will not only knock your socks off, but kick down the door and execute your entire family. This is genocide on a whole new level!"

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Thursday expressed doubt the Holocaust took place and suggested the Jewish state of Israel be moved to Europe. His comments reflect widespread beliefs in the Arab world, as well as positions taken by a number of Western authors, speakers and ideologues.

British Researchers Declare: "Womb Environment Makes Men Gay"

English scientists recently conducted a study that determined that the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. (Biological brothers that is; step-brothers apparently have no significant impact on sexuality.)

Interesting.

No really, studying the biologial roots of sexuality is a pretty hot area of study right now. No issue with that. But what about the giant leap from empiricism to speculation?

"...the effect is probably the result of a "maternal memory" in the womb for male births. A woman's body may see a male foetus as "foreign", he says, prompting an immune reaction which may grow progressively stronger with each male child."

Well, apparently Melanie Klein's babies were completely rational.

It's been said before that scientific theories often say more about the scientist than they do about the science. That being said, what kind of social upbringing did this guy have?

Overheard at a Wal-Mart

Passing by the changing area:

Harried fifty-ish Wal-Mart employee in standard blue duds, with radio.

"I don't care. We need somebody over here now! We still have somebody stuck in the changing room and we can't get them out."

You Can't Blame This One on Colonialism

Zimbabwe just legalized magic. This one is really beyond words. Enjoy.

You Might Be a Postmodernist If...

• You blast professional sports for their obsession with linear narrative and objective scoring.
• You treat your various social diseases with lemon peel and green tea that your homeopathic herbalist recommended because western medicine represents an oppressive dictatorial metanarrative.
• When your dick falls off as a result of your untreated social diseases, you claim it's a 'anti-phallocentric discourse on womyn's liberation'.
• 'Showering' is just a metanarrative you won't succumb to.
• You voted for George Bush because, although you would prefer to vote for Democrats on principle, you oppose universal principles.
  
• You deconstruct your vacuum cleaner's instruction manual.
• You suffer a crisis of conscience when you learn that St. Augustine of Hippo was actually born in North Africa and so can't be considered a 'Dead White Male'.
• You support the pygmy tribe's decision to decapitate you because, as the headman earnestly explained, it's traditional in their society.
  
• You damn the annual Santa Claus tropes and the reindeer they rode in on.
  

From an nytimes.com article:

So, for now, higher gas prices and interest rates seem to be only irritants for many people here. But they also represent worrying trends. "Sure, I'm feeling the impact," said Willie Poole, 50, a factory worker. "It costs me $75 to fill up the tank on my Chevy Tahoe now. But there's not much I can do about it."

Well, I don't know: try selling the fucking Tahoe and buying a used Toyota Camry.

Or carpool.

Or buy a scooter for your trips to work. Those things get, like, 70 miles to the gallon.

I mean, really.

Fun With Words!

GURK (gûrk)

n.

1. The sound you make when you're driving down the road, blaring Ozzy Osbourne's hit single "Mama I'm Coming Home" ...

... and you accidently make eye contact with a fiftyish man and his two daughters standing at a grave.

Used in a sentence: "Awww, gurk!"

You Are What You Eat

I'm not sure if this say more about us as a race, or the British researchers conducting the study. From a BBC online article:

"Children largely inherit their taste for high-protein food like meat and fish, research suggests. However, Cancer Research UK found a liking for vegetables and puddings was less likely to be fixed."

Puddings?

...

Puddings?

Since when the hell did that become a food group?

More Views from a Highway

Bluehair: An elderly person, generally female, who is characterized by an ignorance of and indifference to the outside world. These ladies are going where they're going and you'd better get out of the way.

Bluehairs come in two exciting flavors: Half-Speed Biddy and Lead Foot the Iron Grandma. Half-Speed does everything sloooowly: everything from changing lanes, turning off or going the speed limit. The Biddy is superficially related to Farmer Joe but at least Farmer Joe won't turn directly in front of an oncoming semi.

Then there's Lead Foot. The Iron Grandma also runs at a constant speed; unfortunately that means she also runs into things at a constant speed. Driving in the vicinity of these frightening females is like playing russian roulette by rolling two dice to see how many times you're going to be pulling the trigger.

Bagos & Trailers: The red-headed stepchildren of the driving world. They combine the unwieldy size and speed of Semis with the sheer stupidity of the residential driver. They have a God-given right to pass anything on the road even ... if ... they're ... dammit ... only ... going ... a fraction ... of a ... freaking ... mile per hour ... faster.

Cellphone Yuppie: Close relatives include the 'Hair & Makeup Yuppie', the 'Fiddling with Car Audio Yuppie' and the 'Arguing with Passengers Yuppie'. What is the common thread here? In all cases, the Yuppie is self-aborbed and are willing to take their eyes off the common health & welfare (read: MY health and welfare) to concentrate on their own stuff. Screw these Yuppies, screw them!

Beer-Can Chuck: Chuckie will throw anything from his car window. Cigarettes, beverage containers, children & small animals - whatever. It doesn't matter. The point isn't that they're littering; it's that they're doing something personally convenient.

Mad Max: Thankfully a rare subtype. Related to the Lane Hopper, but harder to spot and more dangerous to boot. Mad Max drives sedately, within a few miles of the speed limit and doesn't even change lanes unless there's a need; a very safe driver. That is, until he's cut off by a Lane Hopper or Bluehair. It then becomes an affir d'honneur. Max will drive dozens, hell hundreds, of miles out of his way to get even with the offender. You have made him less of a man! You will pay!

Views from the Highway

With the advent of gated communities, America's highways are really the one place that all elements of society mix and mingle. Where do you fall out? Take our quick quiz below!

Right-Laners: They may be slow, but I have to respect these drivers. Right-laners know who they are and acknowledge their lack of speed. Folks, at least they're committed.

Bikers: Speaking of respect, my hat's off to this crowd. Anyone who travels highway speeds virtually unprotected whilst rubbing elbows with vehicles 20 times their weight gets two gold stars in my book. By the way, anyone who uses the term 'motorcyclist' instead of 'biker' just proved they aren't either one. Also spelled IDIOT.

Middle-Laners: May be marginally faster than right-laners but lack their saving grace of 'getting the hell outta the way'. Indecisive bastards, every last one of them, who need the option to move laterally left or right even though they won't, actually. That is, until they need to cut somebody off to get in the exit lane.

Left-Laners: All about speed. Do you hear me? SPEEEEEEED. For more on left-laners that are A) in a hurry or B) on meth, read 'Lane-Hoppers' below.

Lane-Hoppers: Note the syntax. A lane-hopper is not simply 'one who changes lanes', but rather 'one who has a pathological need to jump into the next postage-stamp sized opening' ahead.

Unfortunately, other drivers reflexively slow down when faced by lane-hoppers ... I've seen plagues of them descend on mid-laners and Farmer Johns (below) like locusts and nearly paralyze traffic.

Farmer Johns: The one in the old red pickup with F - O - R - D picked out in big white letters on the tailgate. Can be found in any lane always moving at 48 miles per hour, whether on the Interstate or Downtown.

Semis: In the ecology of the interstate, the big rigs are lumbering herbivores to cars' lithe predators. They are difficult to see around, obstruct passing and are often slow.

They are useful to have around in a pinch though. Driving rain? Pea-soup fog? Blinding snowstorm? I always grab the first semi I can find and hunker down three car-lengths behind. It's not failed me yet.