Wisconsin State Journal Surrenders

Friday Sept 22- The Wisconsin State Journal formally admitted 'unconditional and total' surrender in its pursuit of journalistic excellence or original reporting.

A senior staff member admitted, "Frankly we've been heading in this direction for a while. It all started with the 'advertainment' articles and puff pieces in the Sunday section. Then we started culling the more demanding stories - national economics, international politics; really we pulled anthing more challenging than what you could find on Springer.

"When nobody objected, we cleaned out 'Business', gutted 'World' and kept cutting until you could fit everything significant on the back of a matchbook cover."

"Finally, we decided - what the hell - since it's all pap anyway, we'll conduct an online poll to determine the lead story. Now sports leads four days out of five."

In a statement, the Wisconsin State Journal announced its 'Way Forward':

• The National section will consist of professional and collegiate sports, with local semi-pro and high school sports rounding out Local.
• All remaining stories will be consolidated into two new sections: Happy, featuring topics like comic strips, crossword puzzles and uplifting human interest stories; and Sad, containing information about traffic accidents, obituaries and the Green Bay Packers.

In conclusion, the press release reported that "the people of Wisconsin have spoken, and we will bow to the wishes of the lowest common denominator. Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!"