Wal-Mart to Start New 'Sam's Church' Chain

Walmart announced today that it is adding a new division to its Super WalMart franchise, "Sam's Church". It has already published plans to train up to 1,500 employees in a six-week theological correspondence course.

The new employees, known as Clerical Associates, will be available to conduct weddings, funerals and a standard Christian Mass. Said Wal-Mart John Davis, "Wal-Mart is emphasizing a new and streamlined Christianity. By simplifying the faith, we're making it even easier to Be a Believer."

Despite opposition from mainstream religious organizations, industry analysts predicted that the rollout would be a major success. Said one analyst: "The combination of convenience and low-cost will be irrestible for consumers. The ease of your wedding registry, haircut, suit and pictures all in one place means that Sam's Church can't be beat. The priest may have a marginal understanding of doctrine, the altar may be made of a white UHMW plastic and you could find the same benches in a bus terminal, but we're confidant that the majority of american consumers won't be able to tell the difference."