Why I'm Not A Nationally-Syndicated Advice Columnist

Can Gossip Be Good?

Q: The only thing my two sisters and I have in common is celebrity gossip. We love our three-way sessions. Is it so bad to gossip if it's something we love and enjoy? - C.P., New Mexico

A (nationally syndicated advice columnist - abridged): My first reaction: Who doesn't have a few bonding moments over celebrity gossip? I can't count how many times I have called a friend or relative to talk about tabloid stuff -- and relate it to personal experiences. ...

Bottom line: It's OK to let idle gossip into a conversation, as long as you use it for clues to talk about what's really on the minds of your family members or friends.

A (me): Jesus.

You mean to tell me that three sisters who, presumably, have known each other all your lives and have known and shared the most intimate details of your lives have nothing better or more significant to talk about than celebrity gossip?

You either need to do more or talk less.

I mean, shit, not only are you morally bankrupt - you're not even interesting. What a vacant and empty life. Let's compare: the Marquis de Sade may have been an absolute shit, but as least his life was interesting. At least it was a life.

You mentioned three-ways. Go out. Have one. Hell, start a knitting club, get a foreign exchange student, get a dog - do something. Repeat to yourself: I must have a meaningful life experience before I'm allowed to talk to my sisters. Now, go.

Damn.

Ted Strickland Must Be Thrilled

Who is Ted Strickland?

The governor of Ohio.

Why is he thrilled?

Because Ohio is, bar none, one of the most affordable places to live in the United States. According to the National Association of Home Builders:

10 Most Affordable Cities in the US
#7 Dayton
#8 Akron
#9 Cleveland Metro
(Ohio can also claim part of #3, Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, split with Pennsylvania)

And also:

10 Most Affordable Cities under 500,000
#2 Sandusky, OH
#3 Lima, OH
#4 Springfield, OH
#7 Canton-Massillon, OH

In the context of our times of course, "affordable" may be a euphemism for "whose economy resembles a giant sucking hole in the ground". Thus, this may be considered faint praise.

Din-Dins In Hell!

Normally I'd just post the entire image, but this is one you really have to see in its native environment.  Really - check it out.

Feeling Low?

Before Prohibition, wives with husbands tarryin' too long at the local tavern had an option: the time-tested White Star Liquor Cure, sold by those stalwarts Sears & Roebuck.  Slip it in his evening coffee, and mr. Mister won't be straying.

Main ingredient?  Tincture of opium.

Of course, wives whose husbands became afflicted with opium or morphine dependency also had an option: Sears White Star Opium Cure.

Main ingredient?  Chemically indistinguishable from Old Crow.

God, I love marketing.