Views from the Highway

With the advent of gated communities, America's highways are really the one place that all elements of society mix and mingle. Where do you fall out? Take our quick quiz below!

Right-Laners: They may be slow, but I have to respect these drivers. Right-laners know who they are and acknowledge their lack of speed. Folks, at least they're committed.

Bikers: Speaking of respect, my hat's off to this crowd. Anyone who travels highway speeds virtually unprotected whilst rubbing elbows with vehicles 20 times their weight gets two gold stars in my book. By the way, anyone who uses the term 'motorcyclist' instead of 'biker' just proved they aren't either one. Also spelled IDIOT.

Middle-Laners: May be marginally faster than right-laners but lack their saving grace of 'getting the hell outta the way'. Indecisive bastards, every last one of them, who need the option to move laterally left or right even though they won't, actually. That is, until they need to cut somebody off to get in the exit lane.

Left-Laners: All about speed. Do you hear me? SPEEEEEEED. For more on left-laners that are A) in a hurry or B) on meth, read 'Lane-Hoppers' below.

Lane-Hoppers: Note the syntax. A lane-hopper is not simply 'one who changes lanes', but rather 'one who has a pathological need to jump into the next postage-stamp sized opening' ahead.

Unfortunately, other drivers reflexively slow down when faced by lane-hoppers ... I've seen plagues of them descend on mid-laners and Farmer Johns (below) like locusts and nearly paralyze traffic.

Farmer Johns: The one in the old red pickup with F - O - R - D picked out in big white letters on the tailgate. Can be found in any lane always moving at 48 miles per hour, whether on the Interstate or Downtown.

Semis: In the ecology of the interstate, the big rigs are lumbering herbivores to cars' lithe predators. They are difficult to see around, obstruct passing and are often slow.

They are useful to have around in a pinch though. Driving rain? Pea-soup fog? Blinding snowstorm? I always grab the first semi I can find and hunker down three car-lengths behind. It's not failed me yet.