Fun With Words!

GURK (gûrk)

n.

1. The sound you make when you're driving down the road, blaring Ozzy Osbourne's hit single "Mama I'm Coming Home" ...

... and you accidently make eye contact with a fiftyish man and his two daughters standing at a grave.

Used in a sentence: "Awww, gurk!"

You Are What You Eat

I'm not sure if this say more about us as a race, or the British researchers conducting the study. From a BBC online article:

"Children largely inherit their taste for high-protein food like meat and fish, research suggests. However, Cancer Research UK found a liking for vegetables and puddings was less likely to be fixed."

Puddings?

...

Puddings?

Since when the hell did that become a food group?

More Views from a Highway

Bluehair: An elderly person, generally female, who is characterized by an ignorance of and indifference to the outside world. These ladies are going where they're going and you'd better get out of the way.

Bluehairs come in two exciting flavors: Half-Speed Biddy and Lead Foot the Iron Grandma. Half-Speed does everything sloooowly: everything from changing lanes, turning off or going the speed limit. The Biddy is superficially related to Farmer Joe but at least Farmer Joe won't turn directly in front of an oncoming semi.

Then there's Lead Foot. The Iron Grandma also runs at a constant speed; unfortunately that means she also runs into things at a constant speed. Driving in the vicinity of these frightening females is like playing russian roulette by rolling two dice to see how many times you're going to be pulling the trigger.

Bagos & Trailers: The red-headed stepchildren of the driving world. They combine the unwieldy size and speed of Semis with the sheer stupidity of the residential driver. They have a God-given right to pass anything on the road even ... if ... they're ... dammit ... only ... going ... a fraction ... of a ... freaking ... mile per hour ... faster.

Cellphone Yuppie: Close relatives include the 'Hair & Makeup Yuppie', the 'Fiddling with Car Audio Yuppie' and the 'Arguing with Passengers Yuppie'. What is the common thread here? In all cases, the Yuppie is self-aborbed and are willing to take their eyes off the common health & welfare (read: MY health and welfare) to concentrate on their own stuff. Screw these Yuppies, screw them!

Beer-Can Chuck: Chuckie will throw anything from his car window. Cigarettes, beverage containers, children & small animals - whatever. It doesn't matter. The point isn't that they're littering; it's that they're doing something personally convenient.

Mad Max: Thankfully a rare subtype. Related to the Lane Hopper, but harder to spot and more dangerous to boot. Mad Max drives sedately, within a few miles of the speed limit and doesn't even change lanes unless there's a need; a very safe driver. That is, until he's cut off by a Lane Hopper or Bluehair. It then becomes an affir d'honneur. Max will drive dozens, hell hundreds, of miles out of his way to get even with the offender. You have made him less of a man! You will pay!

Views from the Highway

With the advent of gated communities, America's highways are really the one place that all elements of society mix and mingle. Where do you fall out? Take our quick quiz below!

Right-Laners: They may be slow, but I have to respect these drivers. Right-laners know who they are and acknowledge their lack of speed. Folks, at least they're committed.

Bikers: Speaking of respect, my hat's off to this crowd. Anyone who travels highway speeds virtually unprotected whilst rubbing elbows with vehicles 20 times their weight gets two gold stars in my book. By the way, anyone who uses the term 'motorcyclist' instead of 'biker' just proved they aren't either one. Also spelled IDIOT.

Middle-Laners: May be marginally faster than right-laners but lack their saving grace of 'getting the hell outta the way'. Indecisive bastards, every last one of them, who need the option to move laterally left or right even though they won't, actually. That is, until they need to cut somebody off to get in the exit lane.

Left-Laners: All about speed. Do you hear me? SPEEEEEEED. For more on left-laners that are A) in a hurry or B) on meth, read 'Lane-Hoppers' below.

Lane-Hoppers: Note the syntax. A lane-hopper is not simply 'one who changes lanes', but rather 'one who has a pathological need to jump into the next postage-stamp sized opening' ahead.

Unfortunately, other drivers reflexively slow down when faced by lane-hoppers ... I've seen plagues of them descend on mid-laners and Farmer Johns (below) like locusts and nearly paralyze traffic.

Farmer Johns: The one in the old red pickup with F - O - R - D picked out in big white letters on the tailgate. Can be found in any lane always moving at 48 miles per hour, whether on the Interstate or Downtown.

Semis: In the ecology of the interstate, the big rigs are lumbering herbivores to cars' lithe predators. They are difficult to see around, obstruct passing and are often slow.

They are useful to have around in a pinch though. Driving rain? Pea-soup fog? Blinding snowstorm? I always grab the first semi I can find and hunker down three car-lengths behind. It's not failed me yet.