Today: At the Tap's 'Top 10 in 2006'

Over-alliterative is not a word in At the Tap's dictionary.

Now, this blog is all about enjoying symmetry and recognizing milestones.

And waffles. We're all about waffles, too. But that's a digression.

This makes At the Tap's 200th post. In honor of that, and in honor of the year gone by, we're going to take Grumps' conceit and submit a retrospective of favorite posts for the year.

(Apparently we're also all about stealing ideas, but we prefer to call it 'leveraging best practices'.)

To Grumps, who can either take credit or responsibility for getting me blogging in the first place.

At the Tap's Top 10 in 2006:

1. Back in April, I got a little mad and ranted about why I'm glad I'm out of style.
2. I wondered what the Cutting Crew was really saying in their single (I Just) Died In Your Arms.
3. Then there's the President's new 'tough on terror' initiative: the STAR Court.
4. My first public service post: You Might Be a Postmodernist If...
5. Back in August, Superman was arrested on immigration charges...
6. Also note: in this day and age, satire is getting much harder.
7. At The Tap noted the high journalistic standards of that 'other paper', the WSJ.
8. Wal-Mart develops its newest brand extension: Sam's Church. Any questions?
9. Peacekeepers for Texas. Whoulda thunkit?
10. And, to round out my favs: Voter Psychology 101.

Overheard

Today I heard an ad on TV: "The National Geographic Channel presents UFOs: Seeing Is Believing. Can 40 million people be wrong?"

The Answer: 62 million people voted for George W. Bush back in '04.

I rest my case.

Sean Connery Officially Older Than Dirt

Scientists have concluded that Sean Connery's transition from 'Sexy Hunk' to 'Leathery Old Man' is complete.

See the magic transition!

2006 Year In Review

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review

You Just Gotta Stand by Your Man

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand

But if you love him please forgive him
Even though he shot someone in the face
And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause that male prostitute is a disgrace

Stand by your man
Give him arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the pages don't return his calls

Stand by your man
Despite the slaughter in Iraq
Even though he no longer runs the Pentagon
Stand by your man

And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause he has to run in Texas

Stand by your man
Give him another phone line to tap
And something warm to come to
After he's busted for bribery

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

(apologies to Patsy Cline)

For Your Viewing Pleasure: The World's Oldest Website

It is (drumroll please):

Symbolics, registered way back on March 15th, 1985. And looks it, too.

via MacUser

Questions I Can't Answer

1. Why is it that extreme right- and left-wingers are equally offensive, but in such dramatically different ways?
2. Why is it that Americans are so worried about losing heavy manufacturing (automotive, industrial, chemical) overseas, but nobody wants it in their backyard?
3. Why is it you rarely hear about moderate or liberal Christians in the media? Don't Unitarians make good copy?
4. Will the global warming debate be decided before or after Miami is underwater?
   
5. When is the phrase 'venal politician' going to be officially declared a redundancy?
6. What, exactly, is the practical difference between a freedom fighter and a terrorist? And while we're on the subject, what's the difference between a looter and a finder?
7. When Bush prays for 'peace on earth, good will toward men', does he include a mental asterisk?
   

Where's COPS When You Need Them?

Here's the arrest I want a film crew at:

Police say a man they pulled over for driving drunk continued to swig his beer during his arrest. When he finally stopped, Allain allegedly continued to drink a 40-ounce bottle of beer, telling officers, "You can charge me with whatever you want. It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."

The Enlightenment Calls a Draw

Los Angeles, CA: The Enlightenment called for a draw in its long battle against Religion today, citing a long-term stalemate with neither side gaining critical mass. The Enlightenment, which began as a 17th-century European intellectual movement favoring empiricism, science, reason and rationality, has long been engaged in an intense 'hearts and minds' competition with the Religious authority of mysticism, spirituality and strict interpretation from the Bible.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment admitted that its victories over Scholasticism, 19th century Evangelicalism, and early Christian fundamentalism were temporary. "You know, I really thought the Scopes Monkey Trial was the clincher. Sure it went two rounds, but Scopes wasn't convicted and the law was eventually struck down."

But that victory was only a temporary setback for strict Creationism and Religion. Recent decades have seen Religion rally a related movement, Intelligent Design. Analysts suggest that despite recent Kansas court cases overturning ID laws, the Enlightenment is looking tired.

In a press conference, the Enlightenment outlined its plan to divide the United States into spheres of control. It claimed the West Cost, and Maryland through New York while ceding all land between the Appalachians and the Rockies. The scheme has ignited a storm of protest from small Mennonite communities located in upstate New York and Quakers in Washington while other communities such as Madison, Wisconsin have drafted plans to physically relocate south of Seattle, WA.

In response, Religion only wiped blood from its nose and said, "I'm just getting started. Bring it on."

If Not Now, When?

Christmas is a time of renewal and new beginnings. The days grow longer and winter starts to fade. In that spirit, maybe it's time to stage a new beginning for yourself.

Smokers - thinking of quitting?
Alcoholics - a new study has shed light on the mechanics of addiction.
And spruce up your financial health - here are five ways to climb out of debt.
Ever thought of going back to school? It's easier than ever...

Good luck, everyone. May the road rise to meet you and may the wind be ever at your back.

Christmas Crimes

Apparently we've moved beyond stealing lawn ornaments.

• An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.
• A motorcycle-riding Santa Claus with a stuffed Rudolph in his sidecar was arrested after allegedly grabbing an 8-year-old girl from outside a South Carolina convenience store. The man was in his Claus outfit filling his bike with gas when the girl's family stopped by the store.
• In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner. "And why Frosty?"
• David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C.
• In Wichita, Kansas, a mother of three came home to find burglars had kicked in her door. They took presents under the tree, turkey for the family's Christmas dinner, TV and computer.
• An Australian soccer player (they call them "footballers") was arrested for causing grievous bodily harm while home for the holidays. The fellow party-goer is still in the hospital with head injuries.
  
• In England, police are investigating the death of a young father who was found beaten up in a street. Ten men, aged between 16 and 22, and a 20-year-old woman were arrested over the murder of Daron Hargreaves, 32, who died after being attacked in Stoke-on-Trent.
  

Christmas Is the Merriest Time of Year

I went to Wal-Mart last night to pick up vodka, but even if I hadn't gone there for alcohol, I'd have bought it by the time I left.

I could describe the condition of store and shoppers, but you can fill in the blanks. Suffice it to say that I got a really dirty look from the cashier when I wished her a "Merry Christmas".

Slob Evolution

Who Am I?

What can I say, I am a virtual parasite. I'm either sifting through garbage, or I'm hunting you down. Hey, I have no problem being a bloodsucker. Neither do my friends, and there's a lot of us out here; more every year. We're becoming a real problem in the Midwest. Not that I care - I'm just trying to get my hooks into you.

Who am I?

* * *

I'm a lamprey!

I'll bet you thought I was making a lawyer, politician or journalist joke, weren't you?

Revealed: President Bush Commits Treason!

Washington DC: In a fast-breaking scandal sure to shake the capital to its very foundations, the administration admitted today that former president George W. Bush has in the pay of the Kremlin for at least the last six years.

George Bush, who abdicated the Presidency and fled the country in a Soviet-era Tupolev transport, denied the allegations.

"We're not sure when he was turned by the Reds", said a shaken Dick Cheney today, "It may have occurred at a fund raiser during his first run for the Texas governorship. On the other hand, a Natasha could have gotten to him during his hedonistic nose candy college days."

President Cheney continued, "My God, how could we have been so blind?"

"All that we know for sure is that his handler, Karl Rovovich, has been carefully guiding him throughout his presidency. In retrospect, it should have been obvious: since taking the Oval Office, Bush has taken every conceivable opportunity to destroy America's moral authority, military reputation and economic might."

"It will take decades to recover from this presidency."

Link Farms Report a Bumper Crop in '06

Wichita, KS: Experts report that link farms have seen explosive growth in 2006. According to some, link farms, whose sole purpose is to derive referral income from internet traffic without actually providing any economic or social benefit, are the fastest growing form of agriculture in the United States.

According to Gary Roehm, manager of one of MegaGo.com's numerous global data centers, said this year will be known as one of the bumper years in link farm history.

"Yep. We got all your good links here. I got your penis enlargers, your free PS3's, your trips and travels and shopping sites. And I got variety in varieties too! Why I've links to eboy, ebayy, ebya and ebbay right here."

Gary paused, then looked out into the distance over the racks of servers, "And one of 'em is even hijacker-free!" He winked. "But ya gotta click on 'em all to find which one it is."

Christmas Just Ain't What It Used To Be

Savanna, GA: Across the nation, America's parents are wondering what has happened to the Christmas spirit. The traditional holiday pleasures of peace, reflection and joyous reunion with family and friends have dissipated amidst the stress of planning gatherings, competition for the year's hot toys, tension at family gatherings and extra workload and overtime.

One southern resident Nancy Bell said with a brittle smile, "Well, I can hardly afford Christmas so I've been working double shifts on Saturdays since the weekend before Thanksgiving. I've not seen my husband more than two nights a week in months, but it'll all be worth it when we get to see Tom & Jenny's faces on Christmas morning!"

A bystander chimed in, "Yeah, it's so hard to know what to get. And when your kids' friends' parents are dropping a grand for presents, you kind of feel obligated to keep up, ya know?"

When 100 random people at areas malls were asked what their most treasured Christmas memories were, the most popular responses were: decorating the Christmas tree, a first kiss under mistletoe, visiting with cousins, and playing cards in front of the tree.

In addition, 14 of the respondents used foul language and knocked down the pollsters as they shouldered by.

"I've been working my butt off to just be able to afford the holiday debt. Isn't that the spirit of Christmas?"

Tell Me Again Why We Were Worried?

Ah: the 1980s, when groups like Twisted Sister were considered a legitimate major social concern. I'm glad we live in simpler times now.

French Military History in a Nutshell

I know you've read it elsewhere, but it's still amusing.

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Ever Met A Man With More Balls Than Brains?

Such a man was recently arrested for, of all things, trying to pass a 'poorly photocopied check' off as the real thing.

Unfortunately, the day he picked for his crime wasn't a good one: dozens of officers were at the suburban Detroit Wal-Mart helping needy children pick out items as part of an annual "Shop with a Cop" charity event.

He had to walk past 40 squad cars to reach the front door. You'd think he could have used the K-Mart across town!