Nifty Little Website

I have a new website for you logophiles out there. Check out www.freerice.com.

It's a vocabulary game - 1 word, 4 options; you choose match the correct option to the word listed. Each correct answer bumps you up a level and your words get correspondingly harder. For each word you get right, freerice will donate 10 grains of rice to the world food bank. (They fund the organization through pay per click advertising.)

My personal best is level 48. So...can you reach level 50? Test your word power!

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

Contrary to popular belief, journalists are human.

I know, I know!

But, in fact they are as vulnerable, if not more so, to the vagaries of repression and political correctness as the rest of us. Take their headlines, for example. Generally they're so truncated as to be a bare summary, a breathless description of the article underneath.

Occasionally, however, the journalists try to say what they really mean, and today I have divined the authors' true intentions by selectively editing their word choices. Please note, these are not the actual headlines; they are the phrases as actually intended.

• From NPR, "Cheney Found to Have Heartbeat"
• From NYT, "Hamas Urges Taking Israel"
• From Slashdot, "New Super Body - In Under a Minute"
• From Foxnews.com, "Inconvenient Gore Accepts WH Invite"
• From MSNBC News, "Bush Clouts Mideast Peace"

Play It Again, Sam

Is it me, or does John Coltrane sound better every time you hear him?

And I'm Sure that France Is Complaining About Cheap American Goods Flooding the Market

So I got back home to see the family. I had a chance to speak with a cousin of mine, who works in a foundry. Considering the economy, I was afraid that he'd been laid off but Billy surprised me by saying that they're busier than ever.

Why? It's simple.

"The dollar is lower in Europe, so everything we make is being shipped overseas."

I hope that all you American-made protectionists out there take note of that. The only thing keeping America from a full-blown recession right now is our vibrant export market, which is only possible because of NAFTA, GATT and all of those bilateral trade agreements that have been demonized in the past ten years.

But don't take my word for it. Check out this NYT article.

In the first half of the year, profits earned at home by American companies grew not at all compared with a year earlier, according to an analysis by Moody’s Economy.com. But profits abroad soared by 22 percent.

Isn't this how globalization is supposed to work?

Petraeus Goes Out On A Limb

General David Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq, conceded in an open letter to the troops today that the Iraq War is 'exceedingly complex'.

In other news, leading oceanographers have reported that the ocean is, in their words, 'extremely wet'.

Meanwhile, Back in the Real World...

The titans of finance shriek 'rate cuts - we need rate cuts to save the economy fast!' Stories of a collapsing housing market spread and there are worries that the contagion will affect other parts of the economy.

What is this, the flu?

In reality, the vast majority of homeowners are not going to lose their homes, even the ones who got ARMs. And in the broader economy:

• Worker productivity April - June rose at the fastest rate in two years, easing inflation worries,
• Unemployment claims fell last week for the first time in seven weeks,
• American exporters report record growth in sales due to a more competitive exchange rate,
• Retail sales in August surged with the back to school push.

Don't believe the hype. The economy is healthy and the sub-prime mortgage loan collapse was a necessary correction. This is one disease that mainly affects financiers and hedge-fund gabillionaires.

A plague on both their houses!

Why Didn't We See The Warning Signs Earlier?

From a NYTimes article on the recent troubles in the subprime mortgage market [emphasis mine]:

Now, some would-be buyers like Matthew Hennig are having to put off their dream of homeownership. In early July, Mr. Hennig, an air-conditioner repairman, signed the contract to buy his ideal home, a two-bedroom condo overlooking a swimming pool in a Phoenix suburb.

A day later, however, as he was on the job in a sweltering attic, his loan officer at Fairway Independent Mortgage called to tell him that the $185,000, no-money-down loan Mr. Hennig thought was a sure thing had been denied. Why? He was a first-time buyer with little credit history.

Unlike the professionals on the trading floors of Wall Street who lost billions and now seem shell-shocked, Mr. Hennig has moved on. Mr. Hennig, who earns about $40,000 a year, is now renting a room from a friend and saving up the money for a down payment when he tries to buy again in a year or so. He has also recently opened a charge-card account to bolster his credit score.

And a year ago, he would have been in like Flynn. I wonder why it all fell apart?

Pat Buchanan's War Against Chinese Imports

WASHINGTON - Writer, former presidential candidate and resident whackjob Pat Buchanan thundered against 'cheap, foreign chinese-made citizens'.

"People, haven't we learned enough from the lead paint scare? These reproductions are nothing but cheap chinese knock-offs! We need to ban these imports before they do tremendous and irreparable damage to the body politic."

Consumer groups across the nation expressed concern at Buchanan's recent attacks, noting that eliminating these imports would be blatantly racist, but that 'extensive testing was certainly called for'.

It's All In the Fine Print

* Not really free. It's sort of 'free to be free'. 'Free' in the sense of not being without cost. Yeah.
** Well, it's free if you don't mind spending four hours signing up for credit cards, secret shopper offers and spam email. Oh, and your credit card number too. We won't use it; trust us, it's for 'verification purposes only'.
*** Come to think of it, why don't you sign up for our credit-monitoring service? It's really good; we'll make sure all of those scam artists out there don't take advantage of you. Why, my aunt Martha was really taken advantage of by some jerk who got her credit card number and sold it at www.thepiratebay.com for what was really chump change when you get right down to it and Martha isn't all that wealthy and now she's got bad credit and needs a new car and groceries and a pacemaker.
****Shipping extra.

Tagged!

What do you do when you've been tagged? Well, by a happy circumstance I happen to know...

00: I happen to work for one of the largest food manufacturers in the world. I eat almost nothing that my company makes.

01: I am working on something I call UTOS - the Utility Theory of Stuff.

02: I ruled an underwater kingdom called Verlynia and was married to a selkie named Fiona.

03: I have eaten quiche.

04: I am currently reading 3 books: a history of English spelling, the story of the early Christian church and a history of the sword and sword fighting.

05: I once took a leading role in a musical only after being assured that I would not be required to sing or dance.

06: I have a very nice condo.

07: Pet peeves include people who insist on using the word 'ironic' when they clearly don't understand what it means. I'm looking at you, Morissette!

Thomas Barnett: The Pentagon's New Strategy For War and Peace

Political Madlib

_____________ Leader's Problems are Bush's Problems Too

WASHINGTON - The sinking political fortunes of __________ President __________ leave his defenders in Washington in an awkward spot, shoring up an undemocratic but useful ruler whose close ties to President Bush are part of his problem at home.

_____________ has an uncertain hold on power after months of political turmoil and his own missteps, and his recent attempt to _____________________ horrified his US allies.

Bush's top diplomat got the uncomfortable assignment of calling ______________ at 2:30 am EST to argue against a step that would play in the West as proof that an ugly dictatorship lies beneath _________'s moderate surface.

As President Bush said during a news conference, "In my discussions with President ___________, I have reminded him that we share a common enemy: Extremists and radicals who would like to do harm to our respective societies."

It's a fun game! I bet that in news-speak, they call this a 'Monday page 3', as in "Hey Lenny, can you type another quick 'Monday page 3? Yeah, we got another one.'

If Spammers Mixed Their Messages

• is it you? Lucy here - Save big on V1agra, C1alis!
  
• DeVry University: Find a date tonight
  
• Impress Her! En1arge your pen1s & your breasts!
• Best home job EVER: XXX in 15 minutes!
  
• Special offer - Bullnews! Are you ready to go wireless?
• Your July newsletter: halfhearted somnambulist
  

I Guess We All Have Bad Days

It Could be Verse

From Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks, by Lore Sjoberg. My favorite:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin'
"I want," Dylan said
"You to bitch till you're dead.
"I'll be cheesed if you kick it while chillin'."

What can I say? It speaks to me.

Top Ten Harry Potter Revelations!

10) Horcrux construction involves cornflakes and Murphy’s Oil Soap.
9) Voldemort's name revealed to really be an anagram of 'mold trove'.
8) Ron is really rather lame.
7) Book consists of 15 pages of text, followed by 658 pictures of pigeons.
6) To escape the Ministry of Magic, Hermione flees to Bangkok. How she pays the bills is unclear.
5) Book ends with Harry walking off in Nagini-skin boots.
4) The "Deathly Hollows" is actually a fish and chips recipe.
3) 'Death Eaters' renamed 'Huggy Bunny Care Bears'.
2) Harry Potter drafted into muggle army and, due to be deployed to Iraq, takes polyjuice potion to resemble Prince Harry and avoid service.
1) Nobody dies!

The Worst Job in Science

Hazmat Diver.

“The worst was at a factory pig farm,” says Steven M. Barsky, the author of Diving in High-Risk Environments, the industry bible for hazardous-materials divers. “A guy had driven his truck into the waste lagoon and drowned. Not only was it full of urine and liquid pig feces, the farmer had dumped all the needles used to inject the pigs with antibiotics and hormones in there.” Someone had to recover the body, and the task fell to commercial hazmat divers.

Personally, I think the hardest part would be at the bar after work listening to the accountant next to you bitch about how rough his job was.

I Love Australians

Check out this story on BBC.com:

Remember the British naval crew that was abducted by Iran a few months back? It seems it wasn't the first time. And I quote...

It turns out that Iranian forces made an earlier concerted attempt to seize a boarding party from the Royal Australian Navy.

The Australians, though, to quote one military source, "were having none of it".

The BBC has been told the Australians re-boarded the vessel they had just searched, aimed their machine guns at the approaching Iranians and warned them to back off, using what was said to be "highly colourful language".

Don't Do It!

A public service announcement from www.whatwereyouthinking.org:

Five Steps Not To Take When Committing Worker's Comp Fraud

1. If you're going to fraudulently claim a work-related injury, do not brag about it to your co-workers.
2. If you do brag about it to your (former) friends, do not attempt to start a home-based business while off from work.
3. If you do start a home-based business while committing worker's comp fraud, do not solicit your co-workers, who are now working overtime, to buy your goods and services.
4. If you do all of the above, do not post a business card and flyer at local grocery stores and in the want ads with your name, phone number and myspace page.
5. If you do all of the above, do not try and pay off the police when they come to arrest you.

Why Is It?

Why is it we buy the least fuel efficient vehicles in the developed world, then spend hours each week trying to find cheaper gas?

Why is that the Executive Vice President of advertising sales at NBC Universal is named 'Ed Swindler'?

Why is it that when Dick Cheney touched down in Baghdad, he walked off the plane wearing body armor?

Oh wait - I know the answer to that last one: he had to tell thousands of soldiers that their tours were being extended another six months.

Hope that armor protects your back, Dick.