SCREW EUPHEMISM

I know I'm guilty. Guilty as any and more than most: after all, I teach people how to speak within euphemisms.

Generally, this doesn't bother me.

But tonight, I was watching the news and saw a modern mother describing her teen-age son (Ari, who seemed like a decent sort underneath it all) and his descent into alcoholism as 'a process'. And, of course, she was engaged in her own process of learning and exploration of his process.

Then, a nattering 'expert' appeared, telling me that it can be hard to distinguish 'normal teen-age exploration' from 'poor lifestyle choices'.

I have a problem with this.

No, actually I don't have a problem with this. Actually, I want to puke.

Yes, it literally makes me want to vomit.

I'm sorry, but 'fucking up your life' is 'fucking up your life', regardless of the words used to describe it. And maybe - just maybe - if somebody had told young Ari that he was fucking up his life a little bit earlier, he might have listened.

Or maybe not.

But sugar-coating things, divorcing reality from truth, doesn't help anybody. Certainly not Ari, who's busy making his poor lifestyle choices.

And the worst part is that I'm going to go to work on Monday, adjust my collar, and slide back into double-speak.

Am I talking about Ari? Or me? You make the call.

He Must Have Wanted to Preserve Anonymity

In an article discussing Ian Paisley's recent decision to join in a power-sharing agreement in Northern Ireland, one interviewee questioned the reverand's motives. He was only named as

an 83-year-old Protestant unionist voter, who wished to be identified only by his first name, Gordon, and who said he had known Mr. Paisley since they attended Ballymena Model School in the 1930s

I'm sure Gordon sleeps much more soundly knowing that fanatics can't track him down. Well, as soundly as any 83-year-old sleeps, anyway.

Well At Least They're Admitting It Now

Why is union membership down?

"It is very difficult for the unions to get a foothold where there is not a need," said Brian Burton, vice president of the Indiana Manufacturers Association, which represents some 1,500 companies in the state. Burton said workers there are able to get nonunion jobs with good pay and benefits.

In the same article, Robert Shaffer president of the Mississippi AFL-CIO said:

"If they [Toyota] treat the people good and don't screw 'em around, it will probably be hard to organize them," Shaffer said.

Relevancy concern? Naw; unions are at least as relevant as the Moral Majority and the Christian Coalition.

Harry Potter Has a Thing For Horses

Yes, that's right folks. Harry Potter wants to get to know horses in the biblical sense.

Well, sort of. You see, it's not Harry Potter but the actor who plays him, Daniel Radcliffe. And he doesn't have a thing for horses, per se, but he is starring in an English stage production of Equus, which a BBC article describes as about "troubled stableboy Alan Strang, who has an erotic relationship with his horses."

This concerns me.

No, it's not what you're thinking. I don't have a problem with a guy interested in ladies of the equine persuasion; I mean, it's not for me but as long as the horse isn't being harmed - whatever floats your boat, I say.

No, it's the relationship aspect that bothers me. I could understand fetish, fixation or even sexual obsession - I guess. But I don't understand how someone can get involved in an erotic relationship with a pony, unless it's got a thing for him too.

I suppose I should see the play.

. . .

Do you think they share a carrot afterward?

From the Wire

Apparently the USAF has updated its oaths of enlistment.

If any of my readers are considering serving their country, I submit the following.



US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike- riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me so, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"


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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high- and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill.... fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer..... sailors wives.....air strikes.... yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute.... Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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Something for the Pit Crews

At last, a product to brighten the tense, stressed out and smelly day for NASCAR pit crews. Imagine waiting anxiously for number 14 to scream in from off the track. As you and your mates boil out toward the car you're greeted by: the sweet smell of lavender.

Yes, that's right. Lavender.

It's been hard to hold a conversation outdoors these last few weeks because of the constant cheering by mechanics all across this great land. The next advancement in automotive technology has come: Kumho Tire USA is releasing a new line of scented tires.

Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?

Jonathan Swift Calls It Again

So nat'ralists observe, a flea

Hath smaller fleas that on him prey,

And these have smaller fleas that bite 'em,

And so proceed ad infinitum.

It's Just a Matter of Perspective

You know, it's good to remember that, no matter how many things go wrong in a day, there's some other poor bastard who just drove his car into the ditch.

Here's One Commercial that Should Have Made it to the Big Game

But What If It Worked Out Differently?

According to Wikipedia, which knows all, the city of Rome was founded by twin brothers Romulus and Remus. They got into a quarrel over who would rule the city, however, and it ended with Romulus slaying his brother.

Romulus, of course, went on to become the first king of Rome, lending his name to the very city.

But what if Remus had won that fabled fight?

Would the Italian government and the Pope work out of the historic Eternal City of Ream?

It really makes you think.

Why Unions Start

Current temperature: 0 degrees F
Feels like: -22 degrees F
Winds: gust to 26 mph


And this poor schmuck is outside with a sandwich board to keep warm. I'd like to think they're paid on a sliding scale based on weather quality, but I know I'm kidding myself.

Money Changes Everything

When exactly did the American paradigm move from the bank account and coupons to rolling the dice? In the introduction to their book “Money Changes Everything”, the editors note that:

“Economists report that middle-class families are now carrying record levels of credit card debt, going without health insurance and filing for bankruptcy at several times the rate of the early 1980s.”

“Turns out those McMansions and shiny S.U.V.’s have us mortgaged up to our eyeballs, but until the wolf is truly at the door, you won’t find many of us admitting it.”

Ms. Schappell said she now believed, however, that the old-fashioned ideal of working hard, saving and gradually making it is a bankrupt one. Instead, the way people envision growing rich, she said, is through a windfall: “a malpractice lawsuit, the lottery or going on a reality show — it’s the new American dream.”

Somehow, It's More Appropriate Now

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Great words to live by. Check out an NYT Sunday Magazine essay by Michael Pollan.

"Humans deciding what to eat without expert help — something they have been doing with notable success since coming down out of the trees — is seriously unprofitable if you’re a food company, distinctly risky if you’re a nutritionist and just plain boring if you’re a newspaper editor or journalist."

I'm reminded of my great-grandfather, who ate eggs fried in bacon grease, pie for lunch and cigars after dinner for more than 80 years. Or was that George Burns?

Never mind; read the essay anyway.

Jane's Back

Jane Fonda participated in a mass rally against the Iraq war yesterday.

Do you think she'll be visiting an Mehdi Army torture house next?

Have You Heard the News?

The News: Rival students clash in Lebanon university; one dead.

The Leftist: Oh god, now Bush is going to send troops!

The Neocon: Oh God, now Bush has got to send troops!

The Postmodernist: But how do we know what we mean by 'dead'?

The Islamist: The House of Dar al Islam must stop killing its own.

The Stoner: Awesome - the Clash is playing at Leb U!

Pat Robertson: This was foretold in the Book of Revelation. The Rapture is coming soon!

The French: We oppose the US doing anything. Or nothing.

The Sports Fan: But how does if affect the Bears' playoff chances?

Joe Sixpack: Where is Lebanon, anyway?

BMG Surrenders to Shawn Fanning

Major record labels such as BMG and Universal Music privately surrendered to Shawn Fanning, creator of the original music sharing website, Napster.

"You win, Fanning - you win. We'll give you whatever you want - sale via .wavs, .mp3s, whatever.", said BMG chairman Nicholas Firth. "Just call off the Torrents, would you?"

According to one insider, "We realized, after a decade of declining sales, that people weren't going to buy a product they couldn't use. That's when the Ghost of Music Past appeared and showed us the error of our ways."

"If we can't sell the music, at least we can sell the advertising next to it. I'm told that Google has done fairly well with that business model."

Metallica Heads Back to the Studio

In an interview today, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said that the band was heading back to the studio to start working on a new album. "We've taken everything: all the best ideas, lyrics and riffs that we've come up with in the last three years and gone into the studio."

Mr. Ulrich went on to say that the band already had enough material for two good songs. "Not, you know, like "Unforgiven good" but at least "No Leaf Clover good".

Mr. Ulrich concluded the interview by saying "Yeah, we're still bad. So f*ing bad."

With Relief, the Nation Forgets About Martin Luther King For Another Year

According to experts, the thoughtfulness and reflection surrounding Martin Luther King day faded faster than ever this year, with 51% of Americans having forgotten the date of 'MLK Day' by January 17th.

According to Cleveland resident LaWanda Johnson, "You know, I really agree with Dr. King's position on nonviolence, equality and political self-expression. But nowadays his message doesn't speak to our day-to-day worries and needs, like my son Tony, who's in Iraq, and trying to get my daughter Latricia into private school. Public schools around here are a real disaster, you know?"

Other respondents felt the same. Area resident Sam White commented that "We give Martin Luther King one day; we only gave Jesus two days! Jesus goes back in his box by New Year's and it's high time that MLK did the same."

The Ethiopians Are Leaving! The Ethiopians Are Leaving!

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia: In recent weeks, the Ethiopian government has conducted a lightning war against the Islamic Courts movement that had conquered much of Somalia. With support from the internationally-recognized Somalian transitional government, Ethiopian troops have just ousted all radical fighters from the capital, Mogadishu.

Today, Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi announced that the Ethiopian military is set to pull out of Somalia within the next few days. African Union delegates are currently meeting to form a peacekeeping force in support of the fledgling Somalian democracy.

According to sources within the American administration, President Bush has repeatedly contacted the Ethiopians in an attempt to apply the 'African experience' to America's conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Allegedly, President Bush keeps asking, "But don't you need a Surge? What about the Surge?"