You Might Be a Freegan If...

10. You boast about the amazing set of candlesticks that somebody just threw away.
9. You do most of your grocery shopping behind Safeway.
8. Your living room is furnished with items originally tagged 'free - haul away at own expense'.
7. When you offer to bring a dish to pass, friends and relatives tell you hastily "no, no - just yourself is fine".
6. You surreptitiously sort your neighbors' garbage into 'recycle', 'non-recycle', and 'Christmas presents'.
5. You claim that hand-knit socks are really the way to go.
4. Hot water is only for special occasions.
3. Your definition of "living" is cracking open a slightly used 11-pack of Sam's Club soda.
2. Car? What stinking car? You gots the bus, man!
1. "Extreme consumerism" is a contact sport.

...

And please, don't think I'm making this up. See here, and here. Is anyone surprised that this movement started in San Francisco?

Public Construction - Done Right

From A History of the World in 6 Glasses:

"The workers who built the pyramids were paid in beer, according to records found at a nearby town where the construction workers at and slept. The records indicate that at the time of the pyramids' construction, around 2500 BCE , the standard ration for a laborer was three or four loaves of bread and two jugs containing about eight pints of beer..."

Ok. 4,500 years ago state workers created stone monuments that have lasted for the ages. And according to the historical records, they were drunken state workers at that.

Am I missing something here? How is it that the pharaohs were better at public works than we are?

What Would You Do If You Found a Woman Living In Your Closet

Yes. Living in your closet.

Where? Where else: Japan.

"Officers rushed to the house and found a 58-year-old unemployed woman hiding in an unused closet, where she had secreted a mattress and plastic drink bottles"

Well color me wtf???

Inflation Relief at Hand!

According to recent US government figures, inflation was only .2% in the month of April, and 'non-core' inflation (inflation minus those pesky food and energy bills) rose only .1% . Of course, food jumped a large .9%, which is the largest jump in 18 years.

According to a senior economist, “This is a fine inflation report if you don’t need to eat, drive or depend on your paycheck”.

Well, that's a relief. No need to worry folks, nothing to see here.

Have You Seen That New Romantic Comedy, "The Shining"?

It sure looks great!

Real Players Do It Passively

Check out PMOG (Passive Multiplayer Online Game).

Recipe:
-a dash of roleplaying
-a pinch of whimsy
-a touch of free time
-a lot of fun!

It's a game that you can play whenever you're online, regardless of what you're doing.

How does it work? By surfing the web, that's how!

You have to rack up points to buy mines and all the other stuff that makes the site fun. Every unique domain that you visit gives you two points, so you get points just from surfing the web. You can also give gifts of mines and other tools to others by leaving “crates” around...

Gathering points and completing missions leads you to higher levels, where you eventually choose a character type. There are six characters in all - two are “chaotic” and leave a lot of mines and portals. The rest follow the “torch of order” and focus on protecting others or creating useful missions.

One note - you do need to use the Firefox web browser (another great reason to switch).

Maybe It Would Be Quicker to List Things OLDER Than John McCain?

Visit www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com.

What are some things younger than John McCain?

• Alaska (as a state)
• The Polio Vaccine
• AARP
• Israel
• Spam

Yes, that's right. John McCain predates spam. It's actually a lot of fun, when you start playing!

Bob, Is That Your Hip Or Are You Happy To See Me?

Good Lord. According to an nytimes article, a new style of ceramic hip that came into vogue after 2003 is prone to squeaking.

How bad is it?

“It can interrupt sex when my wife starts laughing,” said one man, who discussed the matter on the condition that he not be named.

That's pretty bad.


.

The Murderous Record of Cosmetics

According to a Science News article, multitasking while driving can be hazardous to your health. Apparently, the brain can only do so much, and even relatively minor distractions can divert 'mental muscle' away from the wheel.

According to the article:

This finding suggests that people who combine relatively automatic tasks, such as speech comprehension and car driving, exceed a biological limit on the amount of systematic brain activity they can accommodate at one time, the researchers propose. As a result, the less-ingrained skill — in this case, driving, which is learned long after a person grasps a native language — takes a neural hit.

Which leads me to my hypothesis: tank tops and makeup kits have caused more accidents than alcohol.

The Secret World of Penguins

Digital Aphorisms

Aphorisms, adages, chestnuts and maxims: this is the verbal shorthand that allows us to communicate feelings and ideas in a few pithy words.

I was talking to a teen last week and told her to 'make hay while the sun was shining'; in return I got a 'what the hell?' look. After recalibrating for age and experience, I told her that you have to "sell out when your app is hot" and got an 'ahhh' of understanding.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I hereby submit the following starter list of digital aphorisms for those wishing to communicate with the younger generation:

• People with public Facebook profiles shouldn't post under the same name at www.XXXhardcore dating.com.
• A single hacked terminal can infect the network.
• A bad coder always blames his programming language.
• A committed Bidder is worth two Watchers.
• Caught between a 404 error and a gateway timeout
• A watched modem never connects

Boyle's Law As Applied to Society

Boyle's Law states that 'For a fixed amount of gas kept at a fixed temperature, Pressure and Volume are inversely proportional (while one increases, the other decreases)'. In other words, decrease the volume of the gas and you increase the pressure.

In New York, a muslim principal Debbie Almontaser was recently forced to step down by a combination of special interest groups that were attacking the academy that she founded. Her crime? Being on the board of a Yemeni-American organization that has occasionally let out office space to a group called Arab Women Active in the Arts and Media that created a controversial T-shirt emblazoned with the words "Intifada New York".

That's pretty ephemeral. Xenophobic hysteria, anyone?

The leader of the anti-Almontaser movement is Daniel Pipes, an activist also terribly concerned with:

• Muslim cabdrivers in Minneapolis who have refused to take passengers carrying liquor;
  
• municipal pools and a gym at Harvard that have adopted female-only hours to accommodate Muslim women;
  
• candidates for office who are suspected of supporting political Islam;
  
• banks that are offering financial products compliant with sharia, the Islamic code of law.

Heaven forbid.

What's the Boyle's law connection? By forcing any minority into a smaller and smaller box, you slowly increase the pressure...

Get the point?

The Grimace of Realistic Expectations

Week-old egg salad. Limp lettuce. Mysterious ham-like substances.

Have you ever noticed that everyone who's ever stood in front of a cafeteria 'wheel of death'-style vending machine wears the same expression?

It looks like this:


It's the expression of 'I really don't feel like eating here but I don't want to be distracted by hunger pangs'.

Senate Does the Right Thing; Nation Incredulous

Washington, DC: Sixty-two years ago, Congress voted to withhold veterans benefits from hundreds of thousands of Filipino soldiers who fought in World War II. The Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to restore those benefits. After the vote, several senators reportedly grew faint and had to sit down.

Across the nation, US citizens expressed shock and dismay. According to Peoria resident Judy Vimland, "Don't start trying to do the right thing, Senators. You haven't had enough practice."

While some rights groups celebrated news of the pension plan, other activist organizations were subdued, even depressed.

Said lobbyist Jack Arlington, who is advocating US adoption of the Kyoto Protocol, "History tells us that Congress does the right thing once every seven or eight years. We're probably looking at 2015 before we can get a carbon tax and emissions limits in place now."

Are You the Kind of Man Who'll Shoot an Unarmed Man in the Back?

From an NPR article:

"Three undercover detectives were found not guilty Friday in the 2006 police shooting of Sean Bell, a New York case that made national headlines.

Delores Jones-Brown of the John Jay College of Criminal Justice says the case has drawn attention because it's part of a larger pattern of police shooting unarmed suspects."

I don't understand. Of course the cops are shooting unarmed suspects. If they try to shoot armed suspects, the suspects are liable to shoot back.

If George Bush Were in a Famous Heavy Metal Band...

...it would be called the 'Military Industrial Complex',
...he'd be the drummer,
...it would (sigh) be a 'Christian Metal' band,
...George would do coke 'only if you've got it out already',
...4,041 American soldiers would still be alive,
...he'd be just as popular among middle age parents as he is now.

In On The Ground Floor: Rise with the Bubble Before It Bursts

Out with the old...

United States Housing Bubble (wikipedia)

In with the new...

"In financial markets, the retail forex (retail currency trading or retail FX) market is a subset of the larger foreign exchange market. This "market has long been plagued by swindlers preying on the gullible," according to The New York Times. It's commonly thought that about 90% of all retail FX traders lose money."

In Soviet Russia, Memes Spread You!

Best Response to A Lawsuit - EVER

For anyone who's ever been pushed around by a bully, read this.


I therefore think that it is important that, before closing, I make you aware of a few points. After graduating from the University of Pennsylvania Law School in 1985, I spent nineteen years in litigation practice, with a focus upon federal litigation involving large damages and complex issues. My first seven years were spent primarily on the defense side, where I developed an intense frustration with insurance carriers who would settle meritless claims for nuisance value when the better long-term view would have been to fight against vexatious litigation as a matter of principle...I am "uncompromising" in the most literal sense of the word.

Personalized License Plates

Tell me, what sort of fellow (driving a BMW I believe) gets BOW DOWN on their license plates?

Somehow I don't see him being Budweiser-and-barbecue material.

Catholic Beneath The Skin

According to a recent survey, more than a quarter of American adults have changed their faith to another religion or no religion.

I had a full Catholic upbringing: parochial school, alter boy, mass twice a week. Soup to nuts. I haven't changed my faith or left it behind; you could say instead that I've put it on a shelf.

Today, I found myself in church for the first time in a long time, attending the first communion of my goddaughter. I am aware of the irony of a nonpracticing Catholic being tasked with the proper religious upbringing of a completely respectable little girl.

The words and the rites all came back to me. I stated the confession of faith word for word with the rest of the parishioners, although if you'd asked me two seconds prior how it went I would have been at a loss for words. I knew when to genuflect and when to stand.

All of this is a roundabout way of getting to my central point. I was talking to a friend once about something completely unrelated to religion when he interrupted me, asking "you're Catholic, aren't you?"

We can leave our faiths behind, but that doesn't mean that our faiths leave us behind.

Religion, and other ideas too I suppose, change us in profound and unpredictable ways. Can we ever fully understand the scope of their influence?

Global Warming A Threat To Nation's Beer Supply

According to doctor Jim Salinger, "a warmer, drier climate could cause a significant decline in malting barley production, a key ingredient in beer".

... Perfect.

How better to bring millions of people over to the idea of a carbon tax?

"Bob: the Suburban or the Budweiser, it's up to you."

The Sexual Component of the Hula Hoop

All right. I'm sure we've all done this: while wandering the highways and byways of this wonderful interweb, you suddenly come to a screeching halt somewhere you never would have anticipated.

Thus, "The Sexual Component of the Hula Hoop".

But like a driver at the scene of a particularly eye catching wreck, I couldn't help but slow down enough to take a gander.

What, you think Americans bought the Hula Hoop for entertainment reasons? On the surface, perhaps. Subconsciously, we bought the Hula Hoop to unlock our sexual hips. The Hula Hoop was a subliminal sex toy.

Huh. Well, there you go.

Beer + Superstition = Grimm's Fairy Tales

"In medieval England the normal monastic allowance was one gallon of good ale per day, often supplemented by a second gallon of weak ale. The daily ration for the Black Monks of Battle Abbey in Sussex was one gallon of wine a day, more if the monk was sick.

English peasants were regular consumers of ale. For example, the maintenance agreement for Margaretatte Green of Girton in 1291 included in her pension enough barley to provide her with 2.6 pints of ale a day."

The above passage explains the "magical slumbers", wicked stepmothers and ogres found in medieval fairy tales. Squint a bit and it probably reveals the goblins, imps, pixies, nixies, sprites and fairies too. And don't even get me started on Joan...

Have You Ever Twinked Your Main?

...And that is to say nothing about PvP and Battlegrounds. The only other online games I've ever bothered to get into are Quake2 and Quake3. There is something irresistible about CTF and the other battlegrounds games. But to kick ass, you need a twink, which obviates the need for your main to spend all kinds of time grinding to fund your twink.

Then there is arena, where you attempt to twink your main, basically...

If Hedgehogs Are Outlawed...

...then only outlaws will have hedgehogs?

From a BBC story:

"A man in New Zealand has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon, the New Zealand Herald has reported. Police said William Singalargh, 27, had hurled the hedgehog about 5m (16ft) at a 15-year-old boy. "It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," said Senior Sgt Bruce Jenkins, in the North Island town of Whakatane."

Please sir, next time use a rock, or a bat or something. There's no need to bring an innocent hedgehog into your fight. After all, the other guy might grab a wallaby.

Regarding the Toyota Scion

Do you think people buy them in spite of or because of the fact that they are the boxiest, ugliest automotive monstrosities on the road today?

Hitler Youth Had Nothing On Hamas

Here's what the militant Palestinian movement Hamas teaches its children. From a nytimes article:

A "children’s program, “Tomorrow’s Pioneers,” has become infamous for its puppet characters — a kind of Mickey Mouse, a bee and a rabbit — who speak, like Assud the rabbit, of conquering the Jews to the young hostess, Saraa Barhoum, 11."

"The mouse, Farfour, was murdered by an Israeli interrogator and replaced by Nahoul, the bee, who died “a martyr’s death” from lack of health care because of Gaza’s closed borders. He has been supplanted by Assud, the rabbit, who vows “to get rid of the Jews, God willing..."

Sorry folks. Normally I'd try and toss a joke in here but this is sickening.

Remember this when you read about President XYZ pressuring Israel to sit down with Hamas. Not that Israel has clean hands here, but how do you make peace with people like that?

This Is Why Radio Is A Dying Medium

Overheard during a morning "talk/music" program.

Host: So Madonna is meeting with film executives: she wants to re-make the movie Casablanca [pronounced "cassa-blankuh"].

Dude: Oh God, no!

Host: Yeah, except she wants to place the movie in a modern war zone. Iraq.

Gal: I hate Madonna. She is, like, you know, so self-involved.

Dude: Where was the movie set originally?

Host: Uh, Casablanca. Cassa-blankuh

Gal: That's why I never saw Evita!

Dude: Oh.

Dude: Uh, where is Casablanca?

Host: Oh Casablanca Cassa-blankuh that's, like, Europe.

Dude: Europe?

Gal: Oh I loved that movie, but it's been, like, so long since I've seen it...

Host: Yeah. It's not Spain... Uh-

*click*

Study Shows Women Are From Venus, Men Clueless

The following is from the abstract of a study due to be published in the April '08 edition of Psychological Science. Researchers studied the differences between men and women being able to differentiate female sexual advances, normal friendliness, normal sadness and rejection.

According to the study,

"gender differences were captured by a relative perceptual insensitivity among men. Just as in previous studies, men were more likely than women to misperceive friendliness as sexual interest, but they also were quite likely to misperceive sexual interest as friendliness."

Science has successfully proven, yet again, that men have no idea what women are thinking.

Men seem to make these decisions based on clothing - they are more likely to perceive that women dressed provocatively are displaying sexual interest when they are not. They are also less likely to perceive that a women is flirting when she is dressed conservatively (the researchers cut a picture of Margaret Thatcher from an old lad mag).

Women, on the other hand, were more likely to correctly perceive sexual interest regardless of clothing style. In other words, it's not that men are always more likely to assume that women are flirting; rather, men and women may be responding to different sets of cues.

The bottom line?
Gals: men are crude and clueless. You need to be direct and to the point with us.
Guys: face it, we're clueless. When you want to flirt with someone, bring along another gal as your wingman. Have her clue you in to what's really going on. And watch out for those Margaret Thatcher types; underneath that frumpy red dress might be their 'dating bloomers'.

You never know.

I Would Be A Cheap Fortune Teller Indeed

...if I were to prognosticate some of today's headlines:

"Democrats, Republicans Differ on Whom Economic Aid Should Help"

"Violence Grips Iraq"

"North Korea Test-Fires Missiles"

"Critics Cite Fraud In Zimbabwe"

"Palestinians Fear Marginalization"

You could find the same stories in the NY Times last week. Or last month. Or last year.

In fact, you could go back 100 years and find much the same headlines, except you'd find articles about Teddy Roosevelt shooting large quadrupeds instead of Cheney shooting bipeds. And they call this progress!

Don't Be a Hater

FOXNews.com is headlining the following story:

"U.S. Based Revolution Muslim Website Spreading Messages of Hate"

So does Pat Robertson.

"Outspoken US Christian evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has accused Muslims of planning world domination, and said some were "satanic".

Is turnabout fair play only when they're not turning on you?

The Ten-Year Itch

The Savings and Loan Crisis: 1986-1988. Ultimate cost $160 billion. More than 1,000 S&Ls failed, forcing a massive taxpayer bailout.

The Collapse of Long-Term Capital Management: 1998. Ultimate cost only $3.6 billion, but it did nearly pull down the global financial system.

The Credit Crisis [Name Pending]: 2007-2008. Ultimate cost - well, we're not sure yet (and that's part of the problem), but at least $197 billion ($168 billion in tax rebates and another $29 billion on the Bear Stearns bailout).

The US taxpayer is either stupid or pretty damn forgetful, that much is clear.

We pay financiers top dollar to stick our money in ultra-risky investments, then we bail them out when it all falls apart.

Moral hazard, anyone?

Beware Of Hackers Wearing Ski Masks!

At least I think that's what Pandasoft is trying to tell us.


The image of a leather-clad ski-masked man sitting in a dark room while using the internet suggests several possibilities, none of which includes the concept 'hacking', unless thats what kids are calling it nowadays.

Regardless, I get the message: beware!

UW Badgers Basketball Postgame Postcript

From before the game:

"It's kind of like the old Green Bay Packers sweep,'' [Illinois coach Bruce] Weber said of Wisconsin's deliberate style. "You know what's coming. Can you stop it?''

The verdict: no. Not today. Go Badgers!

The Jail That Can Hold Him Hasn't Been Built

I bet you thought this post was going to be about Elliot Spitzer. Well, we here At the Tap are taking the high road on that story; after all, they jail the hooker not the john. That's called 'justice'.

No, instead we're highlighting the sad story of Salvatore Ferranti, a convicted Italian mafioso, who is being sent to house arrest because he's too fat.

From the story:

Guards at the first two prisons said they constantly needed to help Ferranti, 36, get dressed and undressed, move about and go to the bathroom.

I wonder if he tried to "make a break for it" when they came to arrest him?

If All Ads Were Like Political Ads...

At Coca Cola, we have a history over one hundred years old of providing a great-tasting beverage that generations of Americans have enjoyed. But at Coke, we're about more than just serving up soda.

We're about providing good American jobs, to Americans, and helping to build the American dream and the American economy. After all, we're as American as apple pie.

If you choose to drink Coke, we promise to continue this great soda-making legacy so that your children, and their children's children will have lots of fizzy brown liquid to drink. After all, we're just like you. Heck, we've worked the night shift too.

And unlike some of our beverage industry competitors, we don't believe in producing a cut-rate pop that sickens and poisons our consumers. No, we believe in producing a top-quality chilled beverage option that you can enjoy just about anywhere.

My name is Muhtar Kent, and I approve this message.



[Paid for Americans who love Americans that Drink Coke.]

Bush's Legacy As a Statesman and Teacher

GW has been frequently mocked for not being very smart. But when you think of it our current president has introduced more terms into the national lexicon than any other president in recent memory. For example:

• Rendition
• Subprime
• Hanging chad
  
• Unfunded mandates
• Foreign combatants
• Waterboarding
• SIV
• Axis of Evil
• Coalition of the Willing
• Strategery
• Warrantless surveillance
• Preventative war
• Nucular
• Unilateralism

And he's also bringing back some classic terms that haven't come up much in recent decades:

• Stagflation
• Quagmire
• Executive Privilege
• National Debt
• Soup kitchens

Now that's what I call a legacy. Can you think of some more?

Human Smoke: The Beginnings of World War II, the End of Civilization

Due diligence: I have not read this book. I'm actually taking standard industry practice and commenting on a work based on the comments made by someone who (might have) read it.

From VSL:

Baker questions the necessity of WWII (and all wars) by portraying the key good guys in a viciously harsh light — in his depiction, Winston Churchill wasn’t a grand heroic figure at all, and he and FDR were the original bring-it-on cowboys, who forced needless suffering on millions of European civilians. A Gandhian pacifism, Baker suggests, would have been the correct response to the Third Reich.

Beyond its profoundly revisionist central arguments, Human Smoke pioneers a fresh mode of serious nonfiction: It consists of hundreds of freestanding information nuggets arranged in strictly chronological order, chosen carefully (and tendentiously) to make his argument...

I dunno. I'm not a smart man, but I reckon that if I looked hard enough I could find enough slices of history to justify anything.

However, I'm torn because I don't know if Human Smoke is more or less distorted than the average history; at least it's 'honestly' slanted in the same sense that 'honest' politicians, when bought, stay bought.

Beware Silent Evidence

I don't ever remember seeing female mafiosi being arrested or on perp walks.

I wonder if it's A), because they don't exist or B), because they're smart enough not to get caught.

Hrmm..

Haven't We Played This Record Before?

Then:

FULBRIGHT HINTS U.S. WEIGHS USE OF TROOPS IN ASIA

WASHINGTON, May 4 [1961] -- Senator J.W. Fulbright strongly indicated tonight that the Kennedy Administration was considering the possibility of direct military intervention to counteract Communist threats in South Vietnam and Thailand...

Now:

U.S. Plan Widens Role in Training Pakistani Forces in Qaeda Battle

WASHINGTON [March 2, 2008]— The United States military is developing a plan to send about 100 American trainers to work with a Pakistani paramilitary force that is the vanguard in the fight against Al Qaeda and other extremist groups in Pakistan’s restive tribal areas, American military officials said.

Do Dogs Dream of Vegetables & Grains?

I'd like to point out something wrong with this ad. I disagree with its main contention: this advertisement is not about dog food, nor does it treat with dogs.

Folks, I kept dogs for many years and I've been around them all my life and I happen to know that dogs would be much happier nosing into a big steaming pile of animal byproducts than they would "wholesome whole grains" or "garden veggies and fruit".

If your canine companion can't survive without designer pet food or customized nutritional supplements then what you have isn't a dog it's an accessory.

So, as a favor to us actual dog lovers out there please refrain from calling Fluffy or Mr. Pebbles by the name 'dog' in the future. Thank you.

The irony? This ad is actually from the back cover of the latest edition of National Geographic. The lead story is "Inside Animal Minds". Somehow I doubt that vegetable dog food will make the cut.

Ford & GM Buyouts

“There was a time in the 20th century when you flashed a Ford badge in Detroit and it meant you were a man on the rise,” Mr. Brinkley said. “Now, the new status symbol of the Rust Belt is they are downsizing people better than other companies are.”

Personally, I think they're missing the point.

Why Are All Our Heroes So Imperfect?

From TED.com, we bring you the Jill and Julia show:

It's Not Arachnophobia I Tells Ya!

It's a light fixture!
It's a chandelier!
It's a biomechanical demon-spider coming to eat your face!

You make the call.

Police Officer In Clinton Motorcade In Fatal Crash

One has died already. How many more must be sacrificed before Hillary's campaign insanity is halted?

Hollywood Madlib

_____________ was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence early Saturday morning after her _____ struck a _____________ on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. Police reported that they also found a substance they believe to be _________ at the scene.

____________ and two other non-famous people were involved in the accident. When police responded to a 911 call about the accident, the officers found a "usable amount" of a substance they tentatively identified as _________________. They would not say where the drug was found other than to confirm ___________________.

A spokesman said ___________ — who spent time in a ________________ earlier this year — was driven from the scene in a different car to the hospital to be treated for minor injuries; the status of the other two is unkown and, frankly, nobody cares.

The incident was the ______ car wreck in the past two and a half years for the troubled star. At press time, _______’s publicist had not responded to requests for comment.

Hillary Clinton's Worked the Night Shift Too

Hillary, you've worked the night shift when you go in to work at 8pm on a Sunday (and won't get done until the following day at 8am) after not sleeping all day because it was the one day you and your family were awake at the same time. Going through paperwork at 7pm does not count.

As someone who did shift work for six years, I find that insulting.

I wonder if veterans have the same feeling when they see GWB in a bomber jacket on an aircraft carrier, or if disaster victims feel it when they're in a shelter watching television and a congressman (governor, representative, etc) is wearing a hard hat and frowning at a sea of devastation.

Fantasy Politics

How do you keep people interested in politics and the political process over time? People, who never normally discuss politics and actually show no sign of political awareness, have been passionately debating the relative merits of candidates like Barack, Hillary, Ron Paul, etc. And it seems that this happens every four years or so with the presidential election and interest swiftly ebbs thereafter.

It's almost... almost... almost like a sports season! And like all sports nowadays, we need a way to play along.

And so I present an idea: www.fantasypolitics.com. A place where you can go to build your own 'dream team' of politicians!

Don't bother visiting the site - it doesn't exist. Yet.

How would it work? Not sure yet, but I was thinking about 'scoring' pols by the number of times they are mentioned in the news media, or perhaps by more of a 'bowl season' mentality around whether they win their elections.

I think I may be on to something here. Compare the relative time spent by the general public on their fantasy leagues vs. considering the impact of, say, the patriot act.

Whaddya think?

CNN Headline News Bylines I Expect To See Any Day Now

...US Govt. reports entire tax base now consists of 13 teenagers in Decatur Walmart....

...OJ Simpson hijacks bus, robs passengers...

...Ipods now considered legal tender in continental United States...

...Russian President Medvedev promises reforms of Kremlin, political system...

...Premiere Putin snickers, apologizes, says he remembered funny joke he heard last week...

...OJ Simpson claims innocence in recent bus-jacking incident...

...Bush declares war on Iran, bunny rabbits as final actions as president...

...Hillary Clinton cruelly and with malice accuses Obama of 'inexperience'...

...Obama on record: Hillary Clinton strident, toothless hag...

...OJ Simpson apologizes to nation for 'errors in judgement'...

The 2008 Presidential Primaries: A Proprietor's Guide

Presidential contests always draw a wide assortment of candidates all the way down to Bill, at the corner of the bar over there. Hi Bill! However this guide is limited to the main actors rather than every Tom, Dick and Harry who had a few half-witted supporters. After all, if Tommy Thompson can't speak coherently for himself, why should I be forced to do so?

The Republicans

Ron Paul: Fan of libertarians and John Birch Society members alike, Ron Paul carried (carries) the standard of classic pragmatic conservatism. It's odd that despite the near-fellatio of Reagan's corpse by every Republican candidate, the candidate most similar to Reagan himself never had a chance. Really, watching Ron Paul campaign is like watching Don Quixote wind up for a go at a field of windmills. Last seen boarding a Greyhound bus headed for Austin.

Rudy Giuliani: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy - what happened? You had all the money and name recognition in the world and you still lost it all. Granted, you didn't have an organization and liberal Republicans have had a snowball's chance in hell since Rockefeller lost the soul of the party to Nixon, but hey. Rudy's loss also goes to show that voters may not mind a few skeletons in a candidate's closet (hi Gennifer!), but when you have enough bodies to start your own corpse baseball team, you may have a problem.

Mike Huckabee: Huckabee is still in the race, God knows why (ha ha). Icon of fundamentalists everywhere, Huck is actually the creation of the Moderate Christian Conservative Die & Stamping Company (MCCD&S Co), located in Ames, Iowa. Despite early momentum, at this point a win by Huckabee would prove the existence of an active, interventionist God. The near-certain defeat of his candidacy may mean that the Republican Party is starting to shake free of the grip of the religionists, but I wouldn't count on it.

Mitt Romney: John Kerry's donkey shaped-double. Who would have thought that a tall, rich former businessman accused of falling on both sides of every issue could fail in a political contest? Oh well. I suppose we should all be thankful that Smitty ran face-first into a wall before the Swift Boat ads started coming out. Surprisingly, Romney's Mormon roots proved to be a non-issue; his other faults and mis-steps caught up with him first.

John McCain: Almost certain to be the Republican nominee. Not sure why McCain isn't more of a darling by the Christian right; after all, his campaign has already come back from the dead once. John McCain is candidate whose major qualification is 'spent several years in a tiger cage'. Hey - he may not have economic expertise, strong organizational capabilities or physical vitality but the man has extensive foreign experience.

The Democrats

John Edwards: Apparently there were three candidates in the democratic primary. Who knew? I kid, John, I kid! Actually, Edwards has been running for president continuously since he first announced his candidacy back in 2002. Heck, he even campaigned for president during that stint as Kerry's vice presidential candidate. Unfortunately for John, after Hillary trumped him on the 'experience' card and Barack stole his 'outsider' thunder, it's no surprise that Johnny boy is still sitting on a ton of 'Edwards for President' banners.

Hillary Clinton: Playing the HD-DVD to the O-Bom's Blu-Ray. Hillary has fought the good fight, but political currents seem to be turning decisively against her. A victory for Hillary would be a win for substance over style because, frankly, Hillary has none of the latter. If Hillary does pull out a hail mary-style win over Obama, it would mean that Americans can accept a female presidential candidate, while a loss means they simply won't elect a bitch.

Barack Obama: the word 'baraka' is Arabic for lucky or 'blessing from God', so maybe Mrs. Obama was on to something here. A win by Barack would be the victory of style over substance because, frankly, Barack doesn't have any of the latter. Now Abraham Lincoln may not have had a lot of national experience before being elected president, but neither did Warren Harding so I'm not sure what's proven there. If you're looking for a president who will deal with problems by making a frowny face and beaming empathy, vote for Barack!


God save the USA.

Sweetness: Splenda & Saccharin May Be Making You Fat

Define: irony.

Consuming products containing artificial sweeteners in an effort to avoid caloric consumption and lose weight. However, due to an unknown metabolic effect, this results in increased hunger and a lower rate of burning calories.

Translation: It makes you fat!

Conclusion: Consuming exotic food additives may have unknown, unintended and unhealthy consequences for consumers.

You probably think I'm joking. However, this comes straight from an article at the Economist magazine and they think putting a pinch of salt in someone's cup during high tea is the apex of comedy.

Translation: they're pretty damn serious.

Now people have one more excuse for their bad behavior.

Bernie, why'd you wolf down the whole chocolate cake?
Sorry Tom, it was the Splenda made me do it!

So kiss your artificial sweeteners goodbye. Or not, and simply keep shoving the stuff down your maw.

At least it won't cause cancer.

Will it?

Where Have All The Real Estate Infomercials Gone?

(Thanks, Paula Cole)

Oh you get me ready in your 56 chevy
Why dont we sit down in front of the tube
And look for 'NO MONEY DOWN!'
The tv sun scorching,
Like a fresh foreclosure listing
I'll search the listings if you call the bank

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomercials gone

Why dont you stay the evening
Kick back and watch Carleton Sheets
And Ill fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from walking on new hardwood floors
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will finance our first condo if you pay all the bills

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomericals gone

I am wearing my new sweatpants today
But you dont even notice me
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes

We finally flipped the condo
When we marked it down 20%
And you took that job in tennessee...

Where is my john wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the real estate infomericals gone

In Honor of Saint Valentine

Book Review: More Natural Cures Revealed by Kevin Trudeau

Do you believe that the big pharmaceutical industry doesn't care whether you are sick or well? You're probably worth more alive and sick rather than healthy! In fact, you'd really be better off living in a rural Amazonian village of rude mud huts relying on homeopathic cures and natural medicine rather than be caught in the fist of Big Pharma. If you agree, then More Natural Cures Revealed is the book for you.

This 'treasure trove' of medical 'secrets' contains many mind-blowing cures, remedies and nostrums that the medical companies and your doctor don't want you to know.

As a service to you, dear reader, we'll offer you a sneak peak at one of these astonishing medical 'secrets':

It is also important to note that a common ailment in people who are sick is Lyme disease. Lyme disease is very rarely diagnosed properly. People who have symptoms of MS, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, etc. are never diagnosed as having Lyme Disease. Lyme disease is prevalent in person after person after person. The percentage is outrageously high to the point of being epidemic. If you are sick I would highly encourage you to check to see if you have Lyme Disease...

Yes, this is exactly the kind of fact-based incisively distilled medical 'wisdom' that you can expect lunging all over this book. Why you can't avoid it even if you want to!

And there is absolutely no fear-mongering here - it's all the straight truth, folks.

If you're still interested in this fine book of medical 'secrets', then I certainly can't stop you from buying it. If you're not sure you may want to hold off as I'm sure you'll be able to find copies in your local thrift shop or used book store very, very soon.

Least Likely Movies for a 'Director's Cut'

• Golden Child (Unless director Michael Ritchie feels strongly about re-editing to play up Eddie's unrequited passion for J.L. Reate.)
  
• Scary Movie 4 (Unless director David Zucker restores all of the clever irony and highbrow wordplay removed from the original due to IQ constraints.)
  
• Dungeons and Dragons (Unless director Courtney Solomon is able to return Marlon Wayan's character "Snails" to prominence as the true hero of the story.)
  
• She's All That (Unless director Robert Iscove felt Freddie Prinze Junior's character development was butchered by movie moguls only interested in ... Shoot. I can't - not for this one; I just can't. Sorry fans: it ain't gonna happen.)
• Beerfest (In pre-production, Directory Jay Chandrasekhar called the movie "Brie-fest". Not sure what the heck happened there.)
  
• Triumph of the Will (Unfortunately director Leni Riefenstahl is dead, and I don't think the Fuhrer approved of rework in post production anyway.)
  
• Clueless (Unless director Amy Heckerling is able to ... what? There is a special director's cut for this movie? Oh good lord.)
  

Wouldn't It Just Be Easier to Work at Burger King?

Seriously. Stealing a manhole cover is one thing. Deplorable, yes, shortsighted yes, but understandable. Pull up three and you have enough money to get drunk for a weekend. But this?

LONDON (Reuters) - Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief apparently also left a lit blowtorch at the scene. If he died on the spot, would the power company have been liable? More importantly, do you think a picture of the hacksaw is already hanging up on somebody's wall?

"The sheer stupidity of cutting through power cables should be glaringly obvious to everyone," said Phil Wilson, customer operations manager with local power company Central Networks.

Well, apparently not. We'll probably have to post additional warning labels somewhere.

"At the very least putting the hacksaw through the cable would have created an almighty bang and the line would have burned for quite a few seconds, showering them with molten copper... We can only assume they left in a great hurry or they were injured and were dragged away by an accomplice."

You know what they say: "friends help you move; real friends haul away your corpse after you've been fried by an 11,000 volt mainline".

A Republican's Jesus?

From Bad Gods

I Couldn't Have Said It Better

Help Fight Local Warming!

Bitterly Disappointed

Horology just isn't what I thought it'd be.

Nifty Little Website

I have a new website for you logophiles out there. Check out www.freerice.com.

It's a vocabulary game - 1 word, 4 options; you choose match the correct option to the word listed. Each correct answer bumps you up a level and your words get correspondingly harder. For each word you get right, freerice will donate 10 grains of rice to the world food bank. (They fund the organization through pay per click advertising.)

My personal best is level 48. So...can you reach level 50? Test your word power!

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

Contrary to popular belief, journalists are human.

I know, I know!

But, in fact they are as vulnerable, if not more so, to the vagaries of repression and political correctness as the rest of us. Take their headlines, for example. Generally they're so truncated as to be a bare summary, a breathless description of the article underneath.

Occasionally, however, the journalists try to say what they really mean, and today I have divined the authors' true intentions by selectively editing their word choices. Please note, these are not the actual headlines; they are the phrases as actually intended.

• From NPR, "Cheney Found to Have Heartbeat"
• From NYT, "Hamas Urges Taking Israel"
• From Slashdot, "New Super Body - In Under a Minute"
• From Foxnews.com, "Inconvenient Gore Accepts WH Invite"
• From MSNBC News, "Bush Clouts Mideast Peace"

Play It Again, Sam

Is it me, or does John Coltrane sound better every time you hear him?

And I'm Sure that France Is Complaining About Cheap American Goods Flooding the Market

So I got back home to see the family. I had a chance to speak with a cousin of mine, who works in a foundry. Considering the economy, I was afraid that he'd been laid off but Billy surprised me by saying that they're busier than ever.

Why? It's simple.

"The dollar is lower in Europe, so everything we make is being shipped overseas."

I hope that all you American-made protectionists out there take note of that. The only thing keeping America from a full-blown recession right now is our vibrant export market, which is only possible because of NAFTA, GATT and all of those bilateral trade agreements that have been demonized in the past ten years.

But don't take my word for it. Check out this NYT article.

In the first half of the year, profits earned at home by American companies grew not at all compared with a year earlier, according to an analysis by Moody’s Economy.com. But profits abroad soared by 22 percent.

Isn't this how globalization is supposed to work?

Petraeus Goes Out On A Limb

General David Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq, conceded in an open letter to the troops today that the Iraq War is 'exceedingly complex'.

In other news, leading oceanographers have reported that the ocean is, in their words, 'extremely wet'.

Meanwhile, Back in the Real World...

The titans of finance shriek 'rate cuts - we need rate cuts to save the economy fast!' Stories of a collapsing housing market spread and there are worries that the contagion will affect other parts of the economy.

What is this, the flu?

In reality, the vast majority of homeowners are not going to lose their homes, even the ones who got ARMs. And in the broader economy:

• Worker productivity April - June rose at the fastest rate in two years, easing inflation worries,
• Unemployment claims fell last week for the first time in seven weeks,
• American exporters report record growth in sales due to a more competitive exchange rate,
• Retail sales in August surged with the back to school push.

Don't believe the hype. The economy is healthy and the sub-prime mortgage loan collapse was a necessary correction. This is one disease that mainly affects financiers and hedge-fund gabillionaires.

A plague on both their houses!

Why Didn't We See The Warning Signs Earlier?

From a NYTimes article on the recent troubles in the subprime mortgage market [emphasis mine]:

Now, some would-be buyers like Matthew Hennig are having to put off their dream of homeownership. In early July, Mr. Hennig, an air-conditioner repairman, signed the contract to buy his ideal home, a two-bedroom condo overlooking a swimming pool in a Phoenix suburb.

A day later, however, as he was on the job in a sweltering attic, his loan officer at Fairway Independent Mortgage called to tell him that the $185,000, no-money-down loan Mr. Hennig thought was a sure thing had been denied. Why? He was a first-time buyer with little credit history.

Unlike the professionals on the trading floors of Wall Street who lost billions and now seem shell-shocked, Mr. Hennig has moved on. Mr. Hennig, who earns about $40,000 a year, is now renting a room from a friend and saving up the money for a down payment when he tries to buy again in a year or so. He has also recently opened a charge-card account to bolster his credit score.

And a year ago, he would have been in like Flynn. I wonder why it all fell apart?

Pat Buchanan's War Against Chinese Imports

WASHINGTON - Writer, former presidential candidate and resident whackjob Pat Buchanan thundered against 'cheap, foreign chinese-made citizens'.

"People, haven't we learned enough from the lead paint scare? These reproductions are nothing but cheap chinese knock-offs! We need to ban these imports before they do tremendous and irreparable damage to the body politic."

Consumer groups across the nation expressed concern at Buchanan's recent attacks, noting that eliminating these imports would be blatantly racist, but that 'extensive testing was certainly called for'.

It's All In the Fine Print

* Not really free. It's sort of 'free to be free'. 'Free' in the sense of not being without cost. Yeah.
** Well, it's free if you don't mind spending four hours signing up for credit cards, secret shopper offers and spam email. Oh, and your credit card number too. We won't use it; trust us, it's for 'verification purposes only'.
*** Come to think of it, why don't you sign up for our credit-monitoring service? It's really good; we'll make sure all of those scam artists out there don't take advantage of you. Why, my aunt Martha was really taken advantage of by some jerk who got her credit card number and sold it at www.thepiratebay.com for what was really chump change when you get right down to it and Martha isn't all that wealthy and now she's got bad credit and needs a new car and groceries and a pacemaker.
****Shipping extra.

Tagged!

What do you do when you've been tagged? Well, by a happy circumstance I happen to know...

00: I happen to work for one of the largest food manufacturers in the world. I eat almost nothing that my company makes.

01: I am working on something I call UTOS - the Utility Theory of Stuff.

02: I ruled an underwater kingdom called Verlynia and was married to a selkie named Fiona.

03: I have eaten quiche.

04: I am currently reading 3 books: a history of English spelling, the story of the early Christian church and a history of the sword and sword fighting.

05: I once took a leading role in a musical only after being assured that I would not be required to sing or dance.

06: I have a very nice condo.

07: Pet peeves include people who insist on using the word 'ironic' when they clearly don't understand what it means. I'm looking at you, Morissette!

Thomas Barnett: The Pentagon's New Strategy For War and Peace

Political Madlib

_____________ Leader's Problems are Bush's Problems Too

WASHINGTON - The sinking political fortunes of __________ President __________ leave his defenders in Washington in an awkward spot, shoring up an undemocratic but useful ruler whose close ties to President Bush are part of his problem at home.

_____________ has an uncertain hold on power after months of political turmoil and his own missteps, and his recent attempt to _____________________ horrified his US allies.

Bush's top diplomat got the uncomfortable assignment of calling ______________ at 2:30 am EST to argue against a step that would play in the West as proof that an ugly dictatorship lies beneath _________'s moderate surface.

As President Bush said during a news conference, "In my discussions with President ___________, I have reminded him that we share a common enemy: Extremists and radicals who would like to do harm to our respective societies."

It's a fun game! I bet that in news-speak, they call this a 'Monday page 3', as in "Hey Lenny, can you type another quick 'Monday page 3? Yeah, we got another one.'

If Spammers Mixed Their Messages

• is it you? Lucy here - Save big on V1agra, C1alis!
  
• DeVry University: Find a date tonight
  
• Impress Her! En1arge your pen1s & your breasts!
• Best home job EVER: XXX in 15 minutes!
  
• Special offer - Bullnews! Are you ready to go wireless?
• Your July newsletter: halfhearted somnambulist
  

I Guess We All Have Bad Days

It Could be Verse

From Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks, by Lore Sjoberg. My favorite:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin'
"I want," Dylan said
"You to bitch till you're dead.
"I'll be cheesed if you kick it while chillin'."

What can I say? It speaks to me.

Top Ten Harry Potter Revelations!

10) Horcrux construction involves cornflakes and Murphy’s Oil Soap.
9) Voldemort's name revealed to really be an anagram of 'mold trove'.
8) Ron is really rather lame.
7) Book consists of 15 pages of text, followed by 658 pictures of pigeons.
6) To escape the Ministry of Magic, Hermione flees to Bangkok. How she pays the bills is unclear.
5) Book ends with Harry walking off in Nagini-skin boots.
4) The "Deathly Hollows" is actually a fish and chips recipe.
3) 'Death Eaters' renamed 'Huggy Bunny Care Bears'.
2) Harry Potter drafted into muggle army and, due to be deployed to Iraq, takes polyjuice potion to resemble Prince Harry and avoid service.
1) Nobody dies!

The Worst Job in Science

Hazmat Diver.

“The worst was at a factory pig farm,” says Steven M. Barsky, the author of Diving in High-Risk Environments, the industry bible for hazardous-materials divers. “A guy had driven his truck into the waste lagoon and drowned. Not only was it full of urine and liquid pig feces, the farmer had dumped all the needles used to inject the pigs with antibiotics and hormones in there.” Someone had to recover the body, and the task fell to commercial hazmat divers.

Personally, I think the hardest part would be at the bar after work listening to the accountant next to you bitch about how rough his job was.

I Love Australians

Check out this story on BBC.com:

Remember the British naval crew that was abducted by Iran a few months back? It seems it wasn't the first time. And I quote...

It turns out that Iranian forces made an earlier concerted attempt to seize a boarding party from the Royal Australian Navy.

The Australians, though, to quote one military source, "were having none of it".

The BBC has been told the Australians re-boarded the vessel they had just searched, aimed their machine guns at the approaching Iranians and warned them to back off, using what was said to be "highly colourful language".

Don't Do It!

A public service announcement from www.whatwereyouthinking.org:

Five Steps Not To Take When Committing Worker's Comp Fraud

1. If you're going to fraudulently claim a work-related injury, do not brag about it to your co-workers.
2. If you do brag about it to your (former) friends, do not attempt to start a home-based business while off from work.
3. If you do start a home-based business while committing worker's comp fraud, do not solicit your co-workers, who are now working overtime, to buy your goods and services.
4. If you do all of the above, do not post a business card and flyer at local grocery stores and in the want ads with your name, phone number and myspace page.
5. If you do all of the above, do not try and pay off the police when they come to arrest you.

Why Is It?

Why is it we buy the least fuel efficient vehicles in the developed world, then spend hours each week trying to find cheaper gas?

Why is that the Executive Vice President of advertising sales at NBC Universal is named 'Ed Swindler'?

Why is it that when Dick Cheney touched down in Baghdad, he walked off the plane wearing body armor?

Oh wait - I know the answer to that last one: he had to tell thousands of soldiers that their tours were being extended another six months.

Hope that armor protects your back, Dick.